The one Nomadic journey @ end of the year..

it was 8:30 PM on the 29th Dec 12. the vehicle waited for more than 3 hours for us.it was impossible to sack up these guys, you grab one..you lose one. and then all set to have the last blast of the year,,we depart jolting the whole place with the good-bye roar..!! the travel was planned in some other way, after a long discussion the guys decided we all travel in a single vehicle..i was a little worried thinking that there are 4 full days to spent with them as i know they got a weird habit of irritating women.. :) but by god's grace they were all quite..may be because of the spirituality grown in them :)..this prediction can be a mistake..anyways

the fun started with a toast and then it was a bottom-sip game encouraging each other with claps and howls.. that destroyed my sheepishness completely and then i was naked from the consciousnesses of this and that..good and bad..and dark and bright..i will be totally me than ever when the spirits of wines overflow in  making a half drowsy state..it helps me not to keep unspoken arguments and questions..it gives my throat a freedom from hush..and it pulls out the love i store deep inside to share a warm kiss..We stopped somewhere for the chauffeur's supper and order something to help us as well.. the guys amused us with their natural pranks and we joined them too.. being childish is good at all times.. cause it spreads innocence.. and an act of innocence cant hurt one..

the music played uproariously and the souls sprang in joy..the drowsiness become infectious and soon spreader all over inside the van..everyone of us bounced in freedom until our knees sore and the subconsciousness leveled to unconsciousness..the van drove in silence for good miles..a puking irritation interrupted the ghosting sail and made me rise up to stop it on the deserted highway.. snores of relief vibrated inward. i steeped out and sat right on the ground with splited legs. i took and few stomach full of breaths to get rid of the nauseousness..the head was churning and my vision dragged things to be a mess..he followed me and rested on the steps of the van..even if he was lethargic and badly sleepy..it was comforting to see him behind me..

dehydration waked me up, i gulped in a jug of water to fight my thrust..we stopped at Karwar Ship museum. (the warship I.N.S Chapel  has been transferred in to museum which was brought from Russia served the Indian army during the India-Pakistan war in 1971.) There wasn't enough time to explore the museum. we had to keep the history safe in the air unknown..as we were all troubled with natures call in the morning and were busy searching for some public toilets. unfortunately we had to control the sensations until we reach our hotel. As there wasn't any other ways we fuse in to a small chit-chat while perceiving the road to goa. The weather was transforming from dry/cold to humid/hot and our skin formed small bubbles of sweat here and there..We had to halt at the state border for the driver to take entry permit..we used this time to jiggle in a street-food vendor and ordered omelets and breads and a cheese potato sandwich for the veggies..i took bites from both and enjoyed a little mischief's taking advantage of the youngest position given..

We started spoting half naked white-man, tanned-white girls in sarongs and bikini's, goan-aunts in frocks and  a lot of cultural difference..the van approaching our destination took us through small but neat roads drawn between colorful cloth shops, marvelous antique and handicrafts shops, wines and bars and luscious street food centers, cashew shops where you will get the best fenny in the world (people says you will get it only in Goa), bikini-shops, tattoo saloons and spas, beach sports shop and so on..there is more in this list about goa.. Goa was ruled by Portuguese for 4 centuries and that shows in the architecture and life style which is rare..

Finally we reached our hotel after 15 hours. It was a serviced apartment and we were asked to wait in the restaurant opposite to the hotel (where me and my husband 'Dilroop Kurikkalot' stayed last time) an androgynous boy came for assistance he served a nice sweet coffee and then we ordered a good pizza, noodle, fried rice and fruit salads..we ladies freshen up by the time the guys lingered on the balcony prattling nonsense, stalking the women passers by and in between some spiritual topics - this is inevitable since there is an all time spiritual being in the gang.. :). it was evening by the time very one freshen up.our only intention for this trip was to be part of the FTV Play New Year Eves Party and hence without spending any more time on sightseeing or beach bathes we set out in search of Candolim beach where it was going to happen. Being nice to the chauffeur we let him sleep as he drove the whole night and we went on walk with the guidelines of GPS..that literally misguided us and made us walk some extra kilometers..the walk..the wander through the small tight street that open a bar/restaurant in front of every houses..took us in close contact with a lot of drunk n doped..this place is like an open ground where rules and regulations sway out..wanderlust..it brings freedom..it takes you close to the spirit and nothing seems important..but it was love that has always hold me back from diluting into nowhere..it was pleasure to at least feel it at once.. The walk grabbed me to the pages of the book i read years back;"The Zahir" - by Sir. Paulo Coelho..the mention about "nomads"..

[According to the tradition of the steppes—which is known as the 

Tengri—in order to live fully, it is necessary to be in constant movement; only then can 

each day be different from the last. When they passed through cities, the nomads would 

think: The poor people who live here, for them everything is always the same. The people 

in the cities probably looked at the nomads and thought: Poor things, they have nowhere 

to live. The nomads had no past, only the present, and that is why they were always 

happy. 

“What’s a nomad?” someone asks.

“People who are free and manage to live with only what they can carry. they are not poor” 

“What do you know about poverty?”-someone asks to the nomad

The Nomad answers: “Do you really think that poverty has to do with having no money? Do you think we’re miserable wretches just because we go around begging money from rich writers and guilt-ridden couples, from tourists who think how terribly squalid Paris has become or from idealistic young people who think they can save the world? You’re the one who’s poor—you have no control over your time, you can’t do 

what you want, you’re forced to follow rules you didn’t invent and which you don’t understand…” ]

doesn't that make sense..?? this night-one of he last nights of this year has given me an idea about how happy the said nomads would be..we roam around through the wrong roads..finding throbbing pubs, dark restaurants open exclusively for candle-lit dinners and the beach sand that sink our each step deep in, making the stroll difficult. Somehow we were there, paid and collected the entry passes and left with a grin..aspiration fulfilled.. after the long walk we thought of relaxing somewhere..just next to the resort there was a pleasant place available set in a garden where drinks were served..run by an old husband and wife. We ordered two bottles of cashew fenny which is the country liquor of goa and some snacks..8 glasses with the mixture of  lemon flavor soft drink water and fenny toast for the day, the tickets and New year..we passed a toast to the white couples next table and they return one back..glasses emptied..filled..emptied and filled..silence break and noises rise..it was cheer all around.. endless talks.. nonstop teasing..and a lot of care and love..whats great than this..?? The gang bang attracted two white hand drummers and they entertained us for a while..it usually happens the other way round, the Indians entertain them but with us everything was different..smirk smirk..!!  :P


The spirit  diffused all over us and then it was time for singing..i shouted the lyrics out and at times in good tunes even though i am not a good singer..but sanya..she was excellent in this..this was her first try of fenny and she unveiled all that was aching in her mind..it was emotional, he disappeared with her while i still shout some lines out loud vigorously..i remember it till this..and then it was all vague, hazy and unclear.. we sang along all the way..hugged a Spanish women who refuse to take a photo with me who told i looks like her daughter..i guess she was also drunk like hell or how would her white daughter look like me..?? i wonder!! my legs quivered but we walked the whole long way back sometimes disturbing the peace and at times amusing the bored..howling..jumping..shouting..tripping..snapping..and stumbling we flew in in the illusion of absoluteness..the humans we pass stared in discomfort and disbelief.. of course thats natural..when someone do something that they cant..then that someone is insane..but then insanity is not a wrong..its a difficult stage for a normal to attain..one got to taste it and they will be hooked up to it forever..i envy the lives of birds..they could wing out every bad things hurled to them..and then they are at ease..the existence of human, being earnest is meaningless..the life lived in the fear of ailments..pain..poverty and death gives nothing but takes everything..someone climbed a never-ending ladder and everyone followed not knowing where it leads..and people who are at the top fell in to the depth of misery..in to unrelieved suffering..life is short to hate, hurt  and tolerate..

The long walks kick out some of the dizziness from our heads. we become aware of hunger that whirled in our stomach.. a few wander for the restaurants open after midnight ended up in disappointment.. but someone managed for a couple of packets of Bread jam and butter..it was more than enough to lavish and we wrapped around it like starving stray dogs.. energy reloaded and each of us accommodate themselves on the chairs and the beds laid on the floor.. small talks to serious conversations to arguments.. it was me and the spiritual being.. calling him a spiritual being doesn't make me a physical being..i myself believe in spirits and the idea of being a soul in a body not the other way round.. the question he raised to me was "what love is"..for he says he is in love with the universe.. as for me the universe is GOD..i believe everything that exist and nonexistent, living and nonliving, moving and unmovable, sin and morality, good and bad, night and day, sound and silence every simplest and complex has god in it..may be that was the context of his point too..I couldn't reply properly fearing the scarcity of resources that was unrecoverable in my frozen dizzy brains..i remained half speechless..

It is all about what you choose. Spirituality is not about forsaking ones life. Learning the inner-self is good but  its not necessary to walk out of   humanistic qualities.in my opinion it should not be chosen to run away from life..for spirituality takes you to internal life, a life to learn about ones self or soul..go beyond the five senses..and this transforms a human   being to a spiritual being and it has got a time for it..you are born to do all the good and nasty things, have all the feelings, pain , to love, to care, to hate, to cheat, to do everything you want..for this faith is enough.. Spirituality is eternal..seeking answers for your own essence..its vast that it can vanish the reality from around you.. Be spiritual and live like a human being this is the good part..break the rules..try to make life simple and enjoyable not missing out any of the 1000 elements..the dimension of a sages purpose and a normal humans purpose is different..be any one of it but don't make yourself a coward being in two boats at a time and results nothing.. don't mock your soul..

as per my religious belief life itself has its stages..to enjoy ones existence to the fullest one must follow it the way it is starting from..Brahmacharya time to learn for the first one fourth of your life..Grihasta for the next one fourth that makes the half life time to get married, lose your virginity, have sex, bear children and protect the family..Vanaprasta- retirement from the social life to pilgrimage and then Sanyasa- this is it..a total devoted life to God, to oneself to the soul abandoning desire, responsibilities, hope and fear..To fulfill your life..one must go through all the stages apart from sticking on to just one..life is about knowing life..learning every leap..falling down and correct it the next time..

and the answer for the question "what is love".. i still cant explain as i told him right away,,its a thousand small things..its the care, the concern, the attachment, the commitment, the intimacy, the passion, the pure feelings to each other, being true, being safe and carefree to be yourself and a lot more..How i felt it?? through the pain of being apart, the longing to be in each others arms, the missing to hear each others voice and every tiny minute memories of togetherness..once you are in love you will know what it really is..its kind, trust, enlightenment and above all seductive..this is all i could manage..its an endless, boundless Joy..

Everyone interrupted the conversation may be they all knew this is gonna fume the atmosphere. he again encouraged us to sing and we made it out loud that the neighbor had to knock on the door a couple of times..we then decided to wind up..it was close to dawn couple of us already oozed in to deep sleep..me and sanya slept together she changed in to her gown and i in the same dirty cloths..somewhere in the sleep i heard me snore hard and i controlled it..

my alarm screeched at 7:30 singing "wake up..wake up..wake up..its a brand new day.." before it could continue with the second line i jumped up and dismissed it. the room was dark sanya was curled in like a french bread in her blanket..my eyes felt swollen and for a moment i was trying to hold the swinging me tight on the floor..i checked the guys room..they looked like puzzle pieces all done attached to each other intricately..i dint want to bother them so i came back to our room and slept again..the sound laughs waked both of us. when we opened the door the guys were in the same position on the balcony as yesterday..the younger  guys were searching hard for some female air..and the elder ones chit-chating..i don't have the merest idea what they were discussing about..may be of their last bachelor trip to goa..the way they might have enjoyed it in the pure-manly ways..tricking and tracking..May be the last time they were the predators but this time the protectors..:) who knows..its a boy thing.. :P

We ladies freshen up and this is the 3rd day i m gonna go out not brushing my teeth..i dressed up in a linen three fourth pant that i wore last time in goa and groomed myself with a tint of pricking annoyance..i was teased and made fun of for my dull complexioned one fourth barefoot..i silly blushed out of self-consciousness and then i let it go else that would spoil my day..women are on pin points when it comes to their figure, appearance and style any slightest bad remark can turn them down..DK realized it and came to me with comforting hands and i was more than ok with his one question "anything wrong??" i gave him a big-wide-bright smile and we both were fine..he kissed me on my forehead and we left the room..sanya was assisting her husband with each and everything he wanted..from tooth brush to towels from watches to slippers..she was so caring and he enjoyed being pampered..we directly drove to the beach..it was hot like a burning vessel on the stove..the crowd appeared unpleasing to us..we were expecting a whole row of foreigners but it was a mix..i blamed the locals spoiling the mood and making the whole place dirty..throwing all unwanted stuffs here and there as if it is a public garbage pit..we took a long table with beach chairs for 8 of us in a beach shack, ordered beers and breezers and squid, then the two couples(including us)and my brother went in to the water ..we enjoyed a few clicks of photographs.. it was the waves turn to pull our legs now..it was crowded..but the guys saved some good space for us to enjoy the waves splashed as if it wanted to defeat us..a couple of times it pulled one of us inside but our hand lock kept us on place..and at times it draw ma pants down too :) but no one noticed..the sea was draining the mud beneath our foot and we could feel it each time..we had a full bath in the cold sea water in sucha hot day..and then gave the guys to play together while we guarded our personal belongings..we both ordered a second breezer and chicken spring role and enjoyed it in the wheezing sea breeze..it was evening by now..we drove back to our hotel to get ready for the New Year Eves party..

Till now scum looked pack converted in to a really gorgeous group..4 of the guys in whites and 2 of them in black the girls in some chiky outfits..we had the red band tied on the wrist for the VIP's of the party..we placed ourselves on a cabana that was close to the beach..the music was pouring out..first drizzled and then severe..the dance floor was free and then people gradually moved up and made it live..a few ftv models took a few rounds showing off their a** cracks and skeletal structure which amazed a few present. the singles in our gang hyperventilated finding some beautys of their taste..i let him have the enjoyment for some time and he let me too..a gang of school-going-kid looked guy models pass us with those new-in-fashion cropped pants and nude makeup..they made sure everyone noticed and they walked away.. we helped ourselves with a drink and a plate of french fries..it was just the couples for so long the others vanished in to the crowd.. when the beats started to ascend my foot moved to step with the rhythm..my body loosen to hop and then i compelled him  to finish his drink.. we were then one in the crowd dancing with all force..the dj spoke but only some responded rest all was indulged in the wave of the songs played..bliss..to forget the world outside, just me and him on the center of the world..we sweat out a river but  never stopped..we shivered of tiredness but hasted in hurry until it was count down for the new year..this was the wonderful moment that i was waiting to share with him all these years..this was one in my dream..to hold him tight and hug him and kiss him while we step in to a new year together..when it was at last  "1" the lights went off and crackers in different colors rained making the whole sky turning in to an unseen nebula- a cosmic fume blurred my eyes and we look up in unison kissing each other and cuddling with all the love and pleasure we held with us secretly for some months..the howls and new year wishes thundered in the air..i inhaled love wrapping my hands around his neck tight standing on my toes..my dream come true..and i couldn't control my feelings.. his child-like face made me kiss him again n again..the music banged and we all return to the old stands of stepping up according to the music..when we felt it was enough we all walked to the beach side and sit there enjoying the noise of the waves..from afar crackers still bloomed and rained down to nothing..many people enjoyed their new year in the open beach..there were a lot of groups here and there singing and dancing and drinking and celebrating..the beam lights from the dance floor flashed long way in the sea making the splashing waves seem like blown up crystals..i was exhausted and i wanted to lie on his lap..i asked and he allowed..my eyes sink in to unclear memories..i was slowly getting away from the noise around..all i could feel was the warmth of his body..the sea breeze swayed..he ran his fingers through my hair lovingly for so long..after sometimes i was back to conscious but i still kept my eyes closed i didn't want this to get over..these acts of love always defeated me..and i would be ready to surrender to him always..its the small things that makes big changes..they  guys and sanya made me wake up and we had a final circlic sand dance and a roar to leave that place..we left the air of joy caressed us all the time from the start till now over there and boarded the van without a turning back to say good bye..over is over.. a brand new year is waiting with millions of happenings and we are along to enjoy it.. face it..and live it..

driving back appeared longer than driving forth..we slept till we are bored of it..stopped in between for food and smoke at times..the days of celebration was long lost and we swore to plan for some such trips..who knows whats gonna happen..every heads nodded in confusion..the loudest become the quietest..it was all silence..besides some long sighs..

A Year-Ending-Ritual

A year-ending ritual, thats what i would name this. We have been doing this since the first year Ik4 born and unknowingly someone of us kept updating a good-bye this year post and now we are gonna name it this- "Year-Ending-Ritual". Just to rewind the important, unforgettable incidents anyone of us remember in the gone days of the current year. All good and bad things. i m not thinking about omitting the "bad" coz somewhere it played a significant role in giving us some happiness. i don't think that everyone takes it like this but i believe it. so lets scribble down the good/bad things that 2012 presented us. i will write whats in my mind and you guys can add in it urs.. a mix of experiences..its not urs and mine its ours always..

Good:
1. 2012 was not the end of world :) i am happy that i have more years to be one in iK4
2. My Marriage, one of our greatest dream come true..and IK4 is complete with the 4 men.. :), juniors on the way
3. our union in Bangalore as i dreamed it years back (though there is some difference, but still i feel great)
4. Our company 'Cursosmith' founded
5. arrival notice of two new kootharas
6. the long list of journeys and trips..i am really blessed or lucky whichever word that match well
7. The one unexpected night stay @ paaachus place (but missed munnu/anand & anju/anil)
8. Our get together at munnus place with ammamma, was really memorable and lovely

Bad:
1. Even being in the same city we are not able to meet as we thought we would
2. the departure of one of the new kootharas(but i strongly believe his/her destiny was different so what happened was good )  
3. Anands travel to Dubai, we know munnus u would be very much missing him but the new year will bring u something better.

to be continued...

The Weeping willow

i was in a dark. all around me was just nothing. i felt me buried somewhere so tightly that i was unable to move a little. i felt like shaking off whatever upon me and run away knowing the fact that it is not possible. At times i felt cold, at times wet at times some wired long thing scrolling over me..i learned patience..i wished for this stage to get pass..days after days i found changes in me and around..one fine day i felt a kind of heat striking somewhere of me and i was startled me.. i could open my eyes and what i found was my mother as tall as the sky with lovely greens of silky hair..she looks beautiful..it was different over here..birds and clouds and sepia of the rising sun..a cuckoo couple on my mothers branch singing lovely..my mom shrugged and a rain of morning dew started falling..it tasted exotic..at last for the first time i felt "tranquil at mind"..  

My legs part from a couple to thousand..it spreader around to all corns searching for water like a thirsty vampire..my legs collide with others and theirs with mine..we created a web of  strong layer underneath..i enjoyed the mild heat, the bright light and the swaying wind. i grew up to moms  and some humans said..look at that new "willow"..now i know thats what we are called a willow. My pendulous branches appeared fairly beautiful with the spring pale green leaves at the bottom..we were so happy, sang and danced all the day..some noticed most of them neglected.. i become the adobe of a small herd of bird too like my mother..they nestled up in the curves of my arms and i protected them being astiff fearing a swing will disturb them..at night i enjoyed the cloudless sky with shimmering stars like diamonds across..   

children pay under my shade..some cats and dog took me as their shelter from the burning heat..the birds perched on..the chipmunks nibbled giving me little quakes.. what ever i do i was glad because i do only good. Its raining now and it formed a creek beside we stood that carried dirt and dust in the beginning and now fresh and flowing with fallen flowers..the burble made me sink in somewhere unknown..it didn't stop but tumbled and rolled rippling all the time.. the rain strengthen us we grow higher limitless somewhere in the wast of the holy mother-earth to whom i am rooted and disperse my veins through.. on one unstopping rainy day my mother said tales about our ancestors..a time when there was just our kind on the earth..and then the human and other animals came..things gradually changed..kept changing and still changing..the breeze and the light and the night and just we..i though how good it would be to live at that time..least if we had more of us around here..

i was taller than before and i could see the high houses where humans live..lately i found a girl looking through her window to me for so long..her emotion was plain..i wonder why shes doing so.. everyday with a cup off coffee she will stood over there or on her balcony and watch my hairs swinging in the wind..she might not be knowing that i am noticing her through my thick locks..my curiousness about her thoughts grew..but i am happy there's one in a million who loves a little green..

One day we saw two humans discussing looking at my mother..at first we didnt know anything and then one among them came with an axe clutched at his hip and climbed on her and started to cut out her branches..she bleed white but the self-centered human didnt cared. he cut her until shes bald..the reason they say is her height disturb the electric lines to their house. is that a reason for making her handy capped ?  is this world just for the sake of humans? will they survive without us? when will they understand all this sane truths? my mother wept out as the pain hurt her from all sides..her beautiful thick of  greens were brushed out from the ground and put on fire..all i could do was to weep for her..i was interrupted by a loud clangor..it was not other than the extreme sin of the moving brain-less flesh that they were cutting my mom from root..my veins shrieked..the earth under my leg cracked..but all ended useless..i shouted out loud .but none listened..i yearn for her life but none cared..a cheer broke somewhere inside me..yes they may destroy me too..i stood frozen waiting for the sharp iron to fall on me but it didn't happen..i could smell my mothers blood..all they left was the memories i had with her..turning to find a blank next to me..they are manifesting  the monopoly of dominating this planet as if this was their own place, under their own control all other creatures has to fear them, sacrifice them for the good of the humans..this is wrong..this is sin..some day they will have to answer for this..suffer for the cruelty they have shown to the other beings..

the night was darker than ever..it seemed scary all around..the wind blew me swiftly..memories till last night rolled in my mind..i wept and wept until there was no tear left..each drop of tears shed bloom as a new leaf and shielded me as grown whiskers..and a day came when i could conceal in the grieving tears for my mother..and people said "look at that weeping willow, looks so gorgeous" they laughed and disappeared..but me and the ones like me kept our self living in fearing the ruthless arms of those who laughed and passed.. Life is getting impossible in this world..all we could do is to be blind dumb and deaf...

Once again December....a recollection..!!

it was a surprise to wake up on a fair morning finding him curled under one part of the blanket with shiver.I felt my uncovered feet numb and cold. My sore nose, dried out skin and the shivers passing through my backbone that reach my neck shacking me brought me to make it out that its again December. I rushed up from my bed pulling of the blankets and opened my curtains wide..my eyes lit up and unknowingly my lips widen with difficulty stretching my skin with a little pain.. Fog! the streets were wet, but not because of rain..paving the black roads with yellow flowers fallen like a beautiful carpet.. men in bicycle selling fresh leafs found feverish dressed up in sweaters, gloves, mufflers and socks effeortfully pedaling the cycle having the chains frozen due to the gone down temperature..their howls emitted white smokes of chilled air.. he passed by crushing a few wet flowers on his way.. the trees looked spookified with thick clouds of brume here and there.. the air was icy and refreshing.. my body shivered creating goosebumps persistently, i quickly unfold the sleeves that i had coiled up last night.. the whole neighborhood seemed lazy under the blankets..making the street deserted..normally if there is no humans around on the roads i would find some dogs straying around but today even them have escaped to somewhere for the heat..it was calm! all around that i could count my own heavy breaths.

The awning of my window was dripping a few drops of dew.. i turned around when i hear him moaning in sleep, it was then i come to know that i was being so cruel to him to throw those blanks off the bed. 

he looked liked a heated shrimp. i felt so sorry and i spread the blanket atop him and wrap him like a little one. i kissed him on the forehead and lean back on my foot. from a distracted sleep he fell into a sound one having protected from his nerves chilling in the cold.. a satisfaction of quite snore disturbed the silence for a while and after sometime it was again back to complete silence. an infrequent passes of rikshaws interrupted it, otherwise it was just like at "eden" - the heaven. i closed the window and once again intending to help him and came out of the room. It was a lovely Saturday! holiday for both of us and it turn out to be perfect with the start of a new season, my favorite one, indeed the nostalgic one...the floor was frozen too and i had to help me with a pair of socks. i took a long stretch to get rid of the last few bit of my sleepiness and tried opening the main door of my house. It made me do a little exercise on it pulling it and pulling it a couple of times. the wooden door was also jammed. How strange that everything, the living and non living has an effect of environmental changes. the news paper was thrown just on the side of my door spreading the front page open. may be the boy also wanted to rush in to his house as fast as possible from this whether. :) but i love it. i wanted to have a nice, slow walk enjoying the misty wind.. but then i thought of my daily kitchen chores. i am a responsible wife. ;) i cant escape from feeding my sweet heart. winter and the hunger wont go hand in hand. i once more take a look of everything around. all windows and doors seen shut. the vegetable-on-wheel sellers face looked fainted with the wrong anticipation. the dry whether seemed like dried his business of fresh items just from the yards. one of my neighbors cloths hung on top of the terrrace to dry the previous day looked like dried up the whole life from it..for a moment i imagined me being one of those cloths, what a faith it could be,  pitiful! 

i ran my eyes through the headlines and put it on my diwan aiming to come back and i walked to my kitchen to make a cup of steaming coffee. i glanced around my house. it looked pretty like an adolescent. 

.we really succeeded in putting it up this way though its a very small house as compared to others we know. the shelf with books, bottles, gifts and toys.. a braid big brim english hat hung on a side, bottles of four seasons rich wine, the lace table drape and curtains, woolen carpet; it was all cute as a new born. the noise of the water bubbling draw me back to reality. i pour it in my mug from the pair we bought for both of us, in invert colors, mine is brown outside and cream inside and his is cream outside and brown inside :P..lovely! i added a few milk cubes, sugar and then the most gorgeous thing in the wold, grounded coffee. gave a stir and then i was struggling to control the ecstasy and the blinding aroma.... a sip of it made it warm through all the way it traveled in, i prepared a cup for him too, covered it, came to the living room and sat on my diwan and flipped through the pages of the news paper. the steam from it soften my face..the coffee and the mist together got something to twirl a magic on human minds. each sip takes us to somewhere, sometimes to the past..sometimes to the fantasies of future.. its good at times to just get lost being at where you are.. after a vague scan through the daily i folded it neatly and kept it on its place on the table. I opened the door to our balcony to feel the wind blow me from all the sides.

Winter was the most invited season of my life. My memory goes with a lot of friends in the neighborhood. 

This is during we live at our grandma's house. Every year when it is November we started to count days for Christmas holidays. The only hurdle for our happiness was the exams coming in between.but we knew, from this none can escape. we prepared for the exams as well as for the holidays. life was as lite as the collection of feathers we had. the first weeks of the month was the most restricted as the parents care more about the marks scored. we had to say a short good-bye to the play time allowed after school everyday. our houses were close that i could listen one of my friend reciting the lessons loud clearly. the days went on and our eagerness grown. we spent times at the greeting card stalls opened nearby. some sold small gifts too. To tell a name about on of my childhood friend was of her the little, runny-nosed girl- "jincy". her fondness to me had no limits. she steals cakes and candy's for me that her mother made for the nearest confectionery. she gifts me her favorite dolls and play stuffs. she wakes me up on Sundays as soon as  she wakes up through my window and at times she gets scold from my grandma. but she never mind it :). as we were in the same class, during the "malayalam" exams my mom used to allow me to go and have a combine study with her. and it was during then she showed all her possessions. a box full of glass-bangle pieces of different colors that appeared like gems, satin gift ribbons that she saved from gifts given to her brothers, a bundle of name-slip stickers, a few handicapped dolls :), pebbles, marbles, spinning top toy, and a mud-money bank. she gave it to me to weigh it. to my surprise it was very heavy. she started to fill it  since last December. for every December she n her brother will break it and buy stuffs for them like dress for Christmas, shoes, for her nice hair bands like that. i peeped through the coin-hole and it had a very few space to get fully-loaded. i had one for me made out of talc powder tin. and as it is easy to open the lid, it never reach even till the half but i still have a little money in it sufficient for some cards or gifts for Christmas.

on Sunday before going for Mass at her church, she waked me up  

through the window. she promised me of coming fast so that we can go to the Christmas stall near-by. i got ready brushing, having and started waiting for her. the church bell rang and i stood up in excitement for the mass dispersed and my little friend will be rushing to me. I took permission from ma grandma to play for some while and pursed in a good number of coins from my powder-tin bank. i heard her calling shhh.. shhh.. hiding behind the big neem tree near our gate. We ran  along until we get sight of the stalls and then stopped, breathless. When we both were steady we  made our forks in position the frills and flowers and the laces. We slowly reached the first stall hold each others hands with excitement finding the new stuffs in store which is absolutely distinct from last years. our eyes were rolling from side to side from up to down not able to choose which one for who. We selected a few number of greeting cards and a gift for our Christmas-friend or "Secret Santa". It is a game played by a group of friends randomly assign a person to whom we can anonymously sent letters and gifts. it begin with writing the name of all in the group and churn or shuffle it in a mug. each one have to pick one from it and the name in the paper you choose will be your Christmas friend. as per the rule none are allowed to disclose it until the Christmas night. the game starts 5-6 days before. The game offers a way to give and receive gifts. It may be some from our collectibles, sometimes handmade paper things, sometimes love letters.it was a season of bundled fun. All the gifts are supposed to deposit in a box that we made out of my grandpas shoebox, colored and decorated by all of us. everyday in between studies, we secretly wrote letters, made gifts, paintings all in the name of that secret friend. Me and jincy wanted each of us to get each other unfortunate it didnt happen as we wished. i was sad and i found her too the same way.

On the last days of the School i gave out cards to three of my  

friends. and they returned one to me too.while saying happy holiday, i didn't forget to buy the apple shaped- sugar candy for jincy. I came home, thrown my bag in to the cupboard and ran out to her house to see her mother beating her. i felt sad and for a few minutes i hid myself behind the half  opened door. i heard her mom scolding her for spending extra money from what she was allowed for the gifts from her-own money bank.  for a moment i recalled that she hadn't bought anything in front of me. when i asked her she told nothing but wiped off her tears with a little stuff from her nose and smiled saying "lets go and call everyone to check the gifts. i didnt know what to say. her hand was designed with a couple of red lines from beating with the cane-stick. in a moment, seeing me, she forgot everything and that made my eyes blurred.

By now we all had 4 gifts with us including letters, i got a pebble, 

a car-shaped rubber, a drawing of an elephant and a letter saying the friend didn't get money from his/her parent and that's the reason why its only a "naragamittayi" (a sugar candy in the shape of an orange carpel). it was melted and sticked on to the paper. I had it in no time.

Its 24th December, every houses were decorated with string lights, Christmas tree and stars. everyone created a Christmas stable  in their house with different designs. while the children made the stables, mothers baked cakes, cooked the Christmas delicacies, most delicious of their preparations. Fathers took out the hidden jars of fermented wines. Number of Christmas carols  pass through with the Santa and chocolates and tiny gifts just for the children. we waited more like them to have the number of our gifts rise.

And then it was 12 o clock, we placed baby Jesus in the bed with

Mother Mary , father Joseph, the Shepherds, the sheep's around and the angle hanging in front of the stable. Its now time to unveil our secret Christmas friend.  The one who always encouraged this game was my white-haired, white-beard grandpa. We gave the box to him and then he started to call out the names on the gifts. He then asked the one who sent this gift to come forward. The same happened for the whole group. All of us was so delighted to know each of our secret friend. we hugged and kissed and went back to our houses to keep the gifts and come back for the next section; grandpa reciting the story of Jesus's Life.

While i went to keep my present i found something wrapped 

in a glitter paper on my study table, when i took it, there it was with, a small card saying" Merry Christmas dear Friend" "with love jincy". I  was astonished and didnt know what to do with it. i unwrapped and found the beautiful blonde-legless doll in a cream-color gown. that day when we went to the stall, i saw it and stared it for so long, thinking if i had enough money i could buy this for my Christmas friend. she misunderstood and gifted it to me. I love her! when i was marveling it she came sat next me. i dint say anything. she slowly nudged me, all i could do was to hug her tight... it was then i realized that the reason for her mom beating her was me. it was for me she spend extra and that too a very good amount. I felt so pained for her and happy that i got sucha nice friend like her.. While listening to granpa's stories, my mind wandered. i felt shy for not being as good as her to me to her..

its only when we are children and have friends of our age we exchange the most innocent form of love and care. i thought! and its true..

by now my coffee mug was empty. the street gained a few, walking 

through. i looked around to find my budded Lilly's bloom a purple bunch of flowers. i ran my hands through them and started spraying some water on all of the plants to wake them as well..i felt a cold hand on my shoulder, it was him with his cup of coffee. he caressed me through my neck, turning me to see the shadow of the risen sun aback the thick clouds. he offered a sip from his mug and i had it without any complaint. it was just warm not steaming, he drinks hot stuffs this way, strange! he asked me, what i was doing. 

"just gone through one of my childhood's Christmas" - I mumbled!     

Destiny

1. (Akshi)

Going back to the year 2008. It was hard to leave the once who give birth to us even if it is a matter of few days or months. but this time it hit me hard like anything. this happened in 2006 and then i managed to paint a few colors on my graying days. Hostel gradually became my home and my parents seemed to be like aliens. only thread that connected us is a few lot of my childhood memories with them and then their voice. I stared getting relatives from different background and races and styles  in my new home. Life came back to tract and wagons moved smoother. IT seemed like a fun-house, in the hostel. little giggles, laughs, gossips, fights and love spiced up and it tasted like a dish that i've never had. Years went along like shredded papers in the air giving us memories of every seasons, every celebrations and every good-byes. Pain! We wont know how much we get closer to certain people until the time they leave from us. The last few months i cant forget spending in the hostel was during the end of 2007. A Halloween, visiting the cemetery at midnight holding my roomates hand shivering while passing each grave. it looked wonderful inside there. the whole blazing in yellow from the candle light, soothing wind flaring my hairs carrying the fragrance of lavenders and roses chilling my legs. I was sure, every dead men over there would be longingly waiting for that day because,even if its once in a year it worth waiting.

Saying good-bye was hard.On taking the last sight of the convent it looked like the dungeon of happiness and love though we had sore experiences from the management side. My eyes filled up and wept a few tears and then i saw Jesus holding the sacred heart and blessing, i heard an unsaid voice  that this is not where i belong, there are more people to meet up, more places to visit, and more hearts to love. I said to my self "everything happens for a reason" and went on..

It was again a summer. earth looked like on fire. and after a long days of high temp,suddenly on a good day it started raining giving a promise of  a temporary relief from being getting burnt. It was on that day i started commuting in the train. an all new experience. i took it as a good start and it eventually ended up the same way. It was rush in there at the station as if it was a human flood. i squeezed myself in between the hot fleshes of other females just in the intention to keep me safe and save a place to sit . being good fortunate i could manage a window seat.

The train was about to move. it roared a couple of times like eaten full. It was then i listened some heavy pats of foot on the floor of the marbled platform no:01. I turned around and found a girl running from a few compartments further wearing angle-white kameez, roughly done curls of hair, holding the dripping stole and the vanity bag kept atight to her chest, i heard the guard whistle and the train moved. i wanted to make sure if she is ok and boarded and then i saw her gasping hoarsely searching for some place to settle herself. She stood somewhere on the aisle. The wind was swaying my face and soon i fell into a deep sleep.

2. (Sadhvi)

Gasp! Gasp!Gasp!. Life was always good when we were kids cause there isnt too much things we are involved in. that time was the best of our lives. It is not that all we wish would come true but still i have something that i dreamed of. When i turn back to my life i feel good and lucky that i have never opened the space of my heart for someone, a guy. I was very courageous to decline what which is believed to be a treasure on earth  called 'love' so many times. All that i wanted was the happiness of the people around me. it was my decision that i will let the love of my life come to me through my parents. It isn't necessary that we need a single person to love and care about. i have always loved and cared my people and a few of my friends and i am happy that i could have them in my life. All i want now is to make my mom happy and free of thoughts.

Hindu marriages are the difficult ones in the history of earth. Its the most scientifically followed one having a tones of ceremonies. Why it is scientific is that Astrology plays the most part of everything. Though it is a wedding or birthday or death everything turns in the axis of a predetermined transcriptional writings called "Horoscope". At times it behaves like a mirror of future but at some other time it fails dramatically for the astrologers find an answer for that, that "some unpredictable changes happens in the cosmos influence the planets of a person which alter the things that has to happen in a persons life." Still horoscope cant be mistaken because it is not predictions but science. This brought some good things and bad things in to my life. Giving all respects to the so called science a few people came to my life and gone with the wind. vague faces and questionings, tea trays with cookies and smiles. As every women i was also agonized and worried about who that person would be who is going to be my better half.   

ah  so much of  thoughts  had  trucked  my  mind, its gonna be my station now, hope i will get to sit all the way tomorrow, let me  go and be at the door now. i turned  around  and  there  isn't  any  place  called  near the door  cause  a couple  of dozen of ladies  are  sticking  to  each  other  pushing  and  pulling  to be first to drop out. Disgusting! it is now i found a  girl staring at me, she looked rude and not my type, undone springs of brown hair , smudged kohled eye, a black thick-framed spectacles and a little huge in size, extra large bag on her lap, what a creature it is?? before that, why is she staring at me as if i have stole her something? anyways and then the train jerked to stop. the ladies slowly started to detach themselves from others rushing like some celebrity is standing outside. The day kick-started for me. And my mind said "everything happens for a reason" 

3. (Piya)

Cloudy and rainy. Was this important to have it happen today? i remember, when i was young i loved the rain, i loved to make paper boats to play in the tiny water falls around my house. Now i am grow and emotions started to rule me and never know that these feelings have connections with weather. I connected my head phones to my mobile and started scrolling down for some sad Malayalam songs to rise my emotions and cry it out. then it will be a relief and the day would end-up nice or i am gonna burst out amidst the crowd of my office. that is not a good idea. The song started with a violin play and my thoughts ran again to long back, faces of my mom dad and friends and dear ones laughed at me and faded away, my fantasies take a quick appearance and that too disappeared, then came my marriage, my new family, my separation from my home. 

being in an orthodox community, i had to face a lot of troubles as a youngster. My feminine opinions had no place in there except from them fried up silently within me. it was only at the college i was really me. i could speak loud what i had at the tip of my tongue. i had disagreements with a lot of customs and traditions that was happening in our country but my community was so strict and even i had to go with the traditions just by nodding to each and everything that come in front of me. I had to marry a stranger, well educated, good looking and from a good family from our own community. everyone seemed happy my father mother brothers their wives, relatives and friends so I. coz i believe "everything happens for a reason" . It was difficult in the beginning even to speak to that guy, my husband, i don't know him, he don't know me. i don't know his likes and i don't know his dislikes. We behaved like aliens from two different planets enjoying honeymoon in Earth. for a few days it went on the same way, and then something loosen up and we both felt a little free to each other. We went to the city where he works and for the first time in my life i am living with someone all alone without " amma,achan,mami,mama,chechi chettan,chitta cheriyachan,ammomma appooppan etc etc. the house was like an empty glass, i could hear the winds tuning, silent roars, i found ideas to keep me up all the time and one fine day i a got job offer from a bank in our native. it was only by then when we just started understanding each other, having love, talks and laughs. But the sheets of white papers that came by courier from my fathers address took those sweet things away from both of us like a cyclone crushing a blossom... 

its been 2 years and we both are still apart and becoming strangers day by day, we speak but not to us, we live but not for us.. life looked unworthy and meaningless..money grown but our love was still a dwarf..only thing that i felt doing was my work and then i sleep with my mother-in-low for whom i was her own daughter who born in a different womb. i had every freedom to speak open to her and that was a good thread to hang on. but certain things kept annoying me and i realized that the stages of life is not eazy to jump across from one to another but walk step by step slowly, sometimes on rock,sometimes on clay,  sometimes on sand and sometimes on thorns. 

I heard a big noise and suddenly rushed up having my head hit on the iron berth. it swept away the reel of happening from my head and then i know that the train is at the last station for a long time and i am at my destination. I stepped out of the train and found the Kooli's pushing down heavy square bundles of  something to the platform from the "goods" compartment. a few gave a nasty look and i had to sharpen my brows to them and they turned back to their work. i started walking with the maximum that my foot could, folding the head phone neatly and keep it in my bag. it was then i my eyes stroked on a girl who was sitting leg on leg, folding her right hand to her left and with her left hand twirling her "grape- bunch -like" knotted hair put over her shoulder to the left side front bending her head in the same direction, chewing a gum and looked lost in some other world. She was simple, sweet and looked friendly i passed a few quick looks at her not wanting her to notice me doing this but as if something had struck her head she came back to her conscious and then i understood, her phone rang. by the time i passed her and reached the rickshaw counter. 

4. (Kristina)

I was always been pampered by my mom n dad until this day, so that now i started giving what i received all these years from them to them. for them, their world was around me n my brother so for us. We were more than parents-children to each other and this made us not to do anything that discomforts the circle of four of us. All i had in addition was a good amount of friends who are the friends of my family too. Actually my family eventually became the friend of my friends thats the way things go in between us. I enjoyed it as there isn't anything in my mind to hide from anyone in this world. 

Everything i wanted came to my hands and that was it. this is what my life was. My Dad and brother made it always happen. All my family wants is to make me independent, strong and rigid to make my own decisions and face the world. They know its because of them i am a little clumsy, pampering me up until today. Now this is what i should attain, i must show them that i am grown without losing the "me"- i used to be. 

Having a friend like donald was a real blessing. he was not less than my own brother. I had his support and love when ever required and from deep inside me i know he cant be anything else rather than a real-blood-friend. Some people used to mistake the care but we both and our parents were sure about how our feelings were. I used to miss those eazy careless days of my college with my sweet bunch of friends.  There wasnt anything heavy that made my heart struggle to carry. 3 years went along like the waves on the beach. what left is the memories of some naughty deeds that we have done in group. the pranks, the cries, the laughs, the shouts.. everything is echoing in my ears even today.. why did god made memories?? i used to wonder..then i answered myself, as great men say only then we will know we have existed in the lost time. 

walking through the railway lines to my office was a different things, i had a million people who do the same regardless of the rule that says "crossing the rails are punishable". a lot of them hurrying, running, gangs of guys and girls gossiping, teasing each other. I wish i could do all this with some of my friends, but they were all settled with their own life, some gone for higher graduation, some got good positions at work and the only one left with me was my brother Donald. He is a god-fearing, humble and honest fellow. It was because of him i got this job and its again easy. I didnt had to have the new-joiner pressures, he was there to teach me and assist me with my every doubts. I was learning things quicker and a day came when i could do tasks independently. when i share this with my parents, they couldn't control the joy of it and i felt content. its true that "every thing happens for a reason" 

Working became an addiction to everyone and people started behaving as robots. time flew and the only thing i remember is sitting on my seat in the morning and getting up to leave in the evening. being straining in front of the computer made me tired and all i wanted was to have some sleep. i left my office and started walking through the rails, suddenly my eyes catch the yellow X on the back of my train far away at the platform and then my legs clutched and i was running to reach there. i found a lot of people on my sides doing the same and then i saw a fat girl run past me. Her hair was blowing in the wind and her foot steps were so string. Finally it was me and her on the door. The whole wagon was full. I smiled at her humbly, but she seemed like rude and struggled to stretch her lips to one side and made a smile-like-expression. When the train moved through a bridge and we both at the door,people pushing from inside, i saw the same trace of fear that ran through me on her face. I though of initiating a talk, just to get rid of the fear. 

K: Hi, which is your station

A: TCR

K: oh mine is the same.

A. Oh is it?

K: What do you do?

A: I am working.

I understood that this girl is very reserved like me and i kept quite for some time for her to ask me something. As i thought this, she surprised me doing the same thing.

A: what is your name?

K: Kristina. and yours 

A: Akshi. what do you do?

K: I am working in a travel firm.

A: ow thats great even i am working with a travel firm, managing tours 

K: This is not bad, we had to meet someday. 
A: yeah.. (with a smile)

we then fell in to business talks and educational back grounds and places and etc. by then the train oozed to the next station. A lot of people flown out like mustard seeds and we could manage a window seat where we managed to squeeze both of us in that single seat. but it was all ok. 
-----------------------
(Akshi)

Next day morning, it was again all new. I came early, and placed me on one of the waiting benches on the platform. So many faces passed by and In a matter of seconds those faces got  blurred in my mind to blank. A train came in to halt on the opposite track making a lot of people running from out side to in, some of them jumped across the tracks and some others checked around if people had noticed them running for the wrong train. From far away i saw the white dressed gasping girl, walking calmly, talking and laughing to some other lady and stood just beside me. A man selling coffee was passing, i thought of helping myself with a cup and ordered one. I slowly sipped the foam first while my eyes stared to no where. It took some big time for the train to come. The crowd grown like sand in the hour glass. a few grain.. to small heap.. and then a mountain size. In that crowd i found another girl, lean. She looked slightly depressed. a lite line of darkness under her eye made it clear that she is coming after a sleepless night. who knows whats behind it, i told to myself. She looked obsessed and was trying to go away from the world outside. the fat women sitting next to me walked away and this lean girl took her place there, she then took her mobile out, fixed the ear phones and switched on the stereo, she sat back closing her eyes pretending shes listening to the music. On seeing a little space in between us ,the girl standing next to me(sadhvi)  with curly hairs asked me to push a bit so that she can also have some relief from standing for so long. I was afraid fearing getting office late and i found the same on the girl on my left side. 

The train came we all boarded the train. On getting the seat i opened my bag and took out the book " Brida - by Paulo Coelho". I intended to restart reading from where i stopped last time. I noticed the yesterdays girl in white is today in Yellow and next to me. She looked so cheerful on face, she looked impressed of me reading this book. in a moment i understood that she got the same taste of books as mine. Dont remember how we started up with a conversation. but now we are done with our whereabouts and stuffs and then we were in to about books. Her name is Sadhvi which means Virtuous, Honest and Noble, the meaning of her name was reflecting on her itself and this is my bad habit to google the meanings of names. its since when i read a spiritual blog and the author says the name of a person got a serious connection to themselves .In the conversation, i came to know that she also started this commute only a month ago. I was glad to get some new comer like me for a company, that too with the same taste. Couple of days passed. me and Sadhvi got so close like we know from millions of years, like we were friends from previous lives. it was sucha joy that i got a friend to whom i could open up and i knew she had the same feeling. 

Some days later we both were having a chat together inside the train. I noticed that the old lean obsessed girl is sitting just opposite to me. I was thirsty and me and Sadhvi was waiting for next station to reach to buy a bottle of water. it was then when she took her gray color naked Cola bottle and started gulping mouthful of it. My thirst grown high like i would snatch the bottle from her and have it. As i couldn't control and my throat drying up, i asked her for a sip with a blush of shy. for the first time her eyes fell on me and she smilingly lend the bottle to me. Its then our Kristina came into sight. I felt that shes dreams while she walks too, her each foot steps could be counted a 10 times. I though i can take a nap by the time she reach me. Surprise that she first acknowledge to the girl with the head sets on and then she turned towards us. They already knew each other and to know that was a surprise for me. But why should i be, i thought. Everyone are in their own control  and its their wish to decide whom to make their friend. I introduced Sadhvi to her and she introduced Piya to us. Dont know what happened suddenly, the whole compartment was quivering with laughter. Its only when we took a gap of silence i realized that it was "WE" who made the difference. 

It was the start. it was the day when 4 pieces of something joined and made it complete. the days then cant be explained within a day or a week. i am sure i will fail finishing it, cause this is us, and this is our life and it will continue until there is no one alive to active this blog.

Destiny is what that connected us from different paths to one..and it will take us the whole, with no separate curves or deviations..we are meant to be together.. 

Life will go on, but sure with all of us together. Being in frequent contact or meeting everyday isnt important, it is great being apart and keep us all in the heart and remember the times we spent and spill a drop of tear with happiness for having a few pieces of our own soul somewhere away who feels the same as you... 

waiting for a time when we all get free from every nasty stuffs and hang around like monsters years ago...laughing and laughing..and again laughing for the worlds most stupid or idiotic stuffs.. 

i am sad. and miss you all. 

[dear k's, i made it in a hurry. i havnt reread it after finishing. i dont know if what written has its flow..pls dont mind if theres some mistake..:D :D :D i had twisted things at my convenience, just wanted to have a note about our formation] 

Today`

There are millions of quotes and saying about today, and majority of it says "live today". live the moment. live the day. gone is gone and we cant turn back the time. its true that every happening of life is just for once and then it is a history. but most of the time people tend to clung on it and let their today's and tomorrows just get erased from the page of life. What exactly is yesterday, today and tomorrow. if you ask yourself, you will find it difficult to extract a definition for it by yourself. Sometimes, everything seems nothing. Not a blank state. but something else. What is lose? What is gain? What is gone? And what is attained ? Nothing! All you have to do is, make yourself happy always. what ever happens apart from this has no meaning. enjoy and never leave a single wish of yours unfulfilled.buy things without caring the weight of your wallet, travel the world without caring your health, sleep peacefully without caring the world and soon a day you will find yourself flying high like a bird.. we wont know how much today is taking from your life unless you start noticing your skin wrinkles and your hair grays. life is not a competition to win others. life is a puzzle to solve by yourself but not the way that the time takes away the memory of  where you started it. Make mistakes, shuffle it, fix it and complete it then only you will know the most rare and eternal feeling a human can always die for.. self Contentment..

Finding Love..

I am married. to my love. I am living with him.

before marriage i used to wonder we all fell in love with someone, some gets marry some gets rid of it even before what so called 'love' blooms. i used to doubt if this is a thing that we can touch hold and keep it with us safely for ever like childhood possessions. i used to believe that it would stay n the same size and shape, unchangeable. but the truth is that, LOVE is as shapeless and uncontrollable as water,fire and air. it just comes and goes, sometimes it just be around you but you wont know. sometimes you search for it but wont see. in fact it is all around but it depends up on your mood that you will feel it. be calm, be happy, be question-less, be lite and concentrate, it will caress you like a sweet wind..

it was always difficult for me in the beginning when i used to compare the life of my dreams and the life that i am living. i had everything i wanted, fact is, he gave me everything i wanted but the filthy me was craving for even more, i know i was asking too much of him until he felt tired of giving without getting anything back :). i was taken to every where i wanted to go and i was given with everything i feel like having in total, i was a princess in the house of ours. but i was unaware that what i wanted was his time and where i wanted to be was just 'home'..all alone..have some love..have some laughs..and just be happy with out costing a penny..now how will i make him understand that i always wanted something as simple as this..that would hurt him i know..so let me just keep quite and wait for a time to share this with him..

His love is as clear as pure water, i could see it,hear it,feel it but i behaved like blind, deaf and impassive. I am always given a higher position in every crowd. I am being helped when ever i needed support not just me even my family. I was being kissed on the forehead every morning before he leaves office. I am being taken for walk in the evening even though hes tired after office just in the sake that i can have some fresh air out of the house. given head-massages every weekend so that i can start a good week on Mondays. being offered to cook so that i can rest at least a day from the kitchen chores and a loads more to type.. Now guys..tell me,  do i at least deserve to use the caption "finding love" ..??

what the hell is wrong with me :) :) :)..??? over-worked or..? gone mad with something..?

     

trance...

a state of being partially unconscious.. isn't that a nice stage. Some times it helps, to not see what that hurts your eyes, to not hear what that duffs your ears and to not speak what that can make your tongue a bloody sword. Life is not a journey of harmony, happiness and beauty, it is also an expedition of conflict, sorrow and repulsiveness. All we have to do is to pick a spoonful of every dish and taste it.Some of it will be sweet some salty some bitter some hot and some of it can be plain. taste it with all your heart, do not spit, do not gulp, let it spread through your taste glands completely and hit your senses and then enjoy it as it is. life is this-an existence of a soul to go through different stages..live it..!! and once you are done with every stage you are free to free yourself from all the millstones. its then you are in trance but not partial..a complete one..as lite as a feather in the air..    

2012 seems great for IK4..!!!

2012 looks like too good for us kootharas..!!

At the beginning of the year..the most awaited incident happened.. my marriage after a long tension full time..then comes our first baby and now the second one.. so happy..! may be the wombs are different but they will grow with three extra mothers for their own..to grow them..to fed them..to make them laugh..to scold them..to see them on the heights and squeeze one another to hold the excitement..

just waiting for them to land in some time.. :) :)

happy with a few drops of happy tears..

love you all..and love you the new ones.. lets set their cradles..!!