Another good-bye

Um..i am controlling that burning pain on my chest and trying hard not to spill a drop of tear..i am not sure how far i can keep me tied this way..its not the hormones making me emotional, thats for sure..i dont know what to say, what to write, a thousand million words shooting against me at a second and i am struggling to choose the aptest ones..

Friendship. People considers it in many different ways. but for me its like a part of my soul, my body. its an organ or its like the blood that flows in me. our thoughts matches, our beliefs are same, so i am sure all of you have the same about it as me. I dont know munnu, whether i am happy about you being alone all these days here being apart from your love or you going back saying good-bye to this place, where our dreams lingers..though we couldn't succeed in making it real at least a half of it..but somewhere inside me, i felt secure, coz i knew even though we are located several kilometers apart in the same city, you are all 'just' a 'call' away being the 'friend indeed'..

We build dreams, we followed it but we failed to catch it..its gone in the wind so high that no more jumps would work to get it back..but thats ok..we are alive in this round glob where there is no end and we can walk through to reach the other one with ease..i pray god, not to make it complicated than this..i feels fainted as if the nurse took that syringe full blood from my vain..a loser feeling..i cant say "dont go"..you have your destiny to be fulfilled..but this is certain that it would ache me as long as i am here..where we wanted to be in, together.. :(

Lifes short, it makes me scared..relationships breaks..loved ones vanish..friends torn apart..this is a fact and none can stop it..we all are suppose to accept this..but at the same time there comes this..the heart defeats the brain..and the emotions breaks out like a water bomb of tears...

We pray that you both get everything that you always wanted in your life from now on..past is gone, let it burn and get fire like the dried leaves.. Hope to see you again for that one wide smile on your face and that warn hug..i would long for it until the next time i have it.. :(

We were and are busy, we may get even busier, but never forget that, in here lies the proof of our friendship from the day it started..this is the umbilical cord of IK4 that would keep us connected ever, forever. i want to take it along until my eyes cant read the keys and my fingers cant move to type..this is IK4..this is WE..and lets dont forget US

Love you all..!!

Being MOM

Hi gurls.. i dont know what to say. yes its again our lucky charm day 29th to write this here. Through this one year and four months of marriage i have experienced several things, visited many places, friends with variety of people and so on but this is completely different. I was excited to know one among us got pregnant and later become a  mother for how she will be happy being in that posture. I was happy cause she was happy and we were sharing her happiness but its now i am knowing what the real feeling is about being a Mom-going-to-be. the pleasure cant just be written in a few words. its more than anything but ya not as much as the love i received from him all these days ;-).

Intuition worked. somewhere some one in me made me aware that i am pregnant. It can be that soul which is about to enter me in another 1 month or a few weeks. but i was aware even in my sleep that i am chosen, no, that we are chosen by someone waiting for so long. I felt my stomach having cramps very uncomfortably and i found some other changes to myself. The wind in the morning lazed me than never before and i crawled and struggled to make me up stand. i checked me in the mirror more often and i observed my tummy bulges. i am sure its not gonna bulge out so soon but still i found me doing it. I dont crave or i am not nauseous either but some instincts played the role. even without knowing i was taking care while i was bending down, climbing steps and keeping him away from having sex. I felt me being rude but now we both are clear, he knew that the mother unknown growing in me was doing it.

So yes patch and munnucy, pangus done with her part and an happy mother. i thank god first of all blessing us with this. and i ll keep my prayers always for you two, anand and munnu. We are phasing out to the next step of our lives, motherhood. lets welcome it with all our heart and take care of ourselves and each other. May god protect everyone including the little soulless part of ourselves and make them reach each trimesters successfully..

Love you all..  

The Perishing Goddess..

My mind was relaxed, it was the hardest thing to escape myself from the cries and sobs and worries and dilemmas and questions and agonies. It kept me working all time and i sorted it one by one..Prayers, the voices of thousands at a time, like a rain, the muddled noise of every single drop crashing together on the earth, but then I had powers, I am a goddess, so they worship me.

I was fascinated with the odor of burnt camphor and the incense stick and ghee..they bathed me using turmeric paste and cows milk..they wore me a garland made of  basil leaves and fresh flowers.. i could feel heaven just under my foot..

I was distracted from the intense prayer that suddenly overpowered the thousand voices running in my head..i opened my eyes to find four sibling in which  one was a women. they were traveling all the way on foot from a little north and they wanted to take a part of me to be installed in their ancestral home. They believed it would be a pride, its a sign of dignity. i saw them through the smoke. Soon the priest came in and started chanting mantras which made me powerful everyday..yes these praises made me stronger..and they are really trained to do it perfectly following every steps intact. with every stanzas he utter my power increased and when the idol couldn't take it any more it emitted out from me filling the 'garbh griha' and then pushing out to all who lined out with their eyes closed spreading their prayers. the way the priests taking care of me really pleased  me and the devotees were granted their wish fast. All done and the priest closed my doors leaving a slit in between the two flaps..I heard the siblings requesting to the priest for my possession for them.

From the 'panchaloha' idol a part of me was transferred to a clay idol and i traveled with them in peace..the throbbing cries and shouts just extincted from my ears and all i could hear now was "help us be safe home fast" from these four again and again in different times and separate turns..they prayed it in silence and i kept blessing them..when they become tired i helped them giving small shades for them to relax. when they are thirst, i blessed them with little streams and ponds..and finally their place amidst the dark of big trees..It was a hut thatched with coconut leaves and the floor was smeared with fresh cow dung. there was children and old people in the house. The hut had lot of sections for the members and a special place with a low wooden stool and brass lamps for me..they chanted manthras and placed me in there clothing ma in a new red silk..i was garlanded and worshiped with lighted wicks and flowers and camphor and songs with claps praising my names. Every one was involved children, parents, grand parents and great grand parents.

The life here is tranquil, they offered me everything and followed the rituals properly. They had very less prayers, most of them had the same. " Mother, help us and our children from flood, earth quakes, diseases and dangers. Bless us with food, water and medicines when required. Bless us with health and long life". I granted them all these. At night i watch over them from the wild animals and harsh wind. They ritualized me every day and my power grown from a flame to fire. Years passed, generations passed. The house spited and families traveled to all directions to settle down. each of them carried a part of my possession from 'mukhya sthaana' wishing to place me in their 'mandhir'. Boys in every generations were thought the ways to perform the ordinance so that they can carry out the ritualistic performances and hence will be blessed with prosperity and goodness in their lives.

the passing away of every old generations take away with them a lot of things. It is no longer the same as before. The patterns of houses changed more forest were threshed to plain lands to build mansions. Inventions  took place and men become greedier and crooked. They become selfish. Soon it started to get prayers for others destruction. humans ate plants less and animals more. demons started to take birth as humans and the tranquility started to get destroyed. They travel in machines rather than on foot or bullock. the sound of the birds and moths and butterflies and squirrels dumb by the trashing roar of buses cars and motor vehicles.

Sooner people lost faith in me and the rituals to me become sometimes to never. They forgot that their glory was a result of their great grand peoples loyal and unreserved performance of worship to me. They prayed only when in need and once i blessed which helped them build a bungalow next to this old hut and this was now the adobe of just me. A few days later i got companies of lizards, spiders and snakes. They no longer take care of me but they have all that i blessed them with. Children played mud cakes in front of me and no devotees lined up. They don't see my misery, a few saw didn't cared to save me. I am their god, i gave them all but they returned me neglect. Yet i forgive them remembering the way their ancestors treat me. But with every day that passed my powers drained. Soon i lost powers to protect them all. A few fell ill, a few youth died, business failed, wealth lost, psychopaths increased, studies failed, brothers fight and the glory diminished. But i couldn't help. I had no enough power to empower them. The then old people alive sensed this. they were the last close to me. They  reminded their sons about it and they started to clean up the room and light the wicks for me every evening at least. They cleaned me from dust and spider webs. but the snakes refuge half of my place building their nests, it peaked like a miniature Himalayas on one side of me. Though the youth of the family don't chant mantras and praises for me they started devoting me with incense stick and lit ghee wicks. They placed their little prayers and I grab my powers and gave them what i was capable of.

To my surprise one among the elder people of the family foresee the danger  that is approaching the family in the near future as in a dream and the worried man consulted a astrologer who advised him to do "Thamboola Prashnam" which is the method of knowing the unknown. This traditional method also helps to predict the future of the family and the members in it one by one. The 'Thamboola Prashnam'  was followed by an even intense method called "Swarna Prashnam" using gold. And each member of the family was asked to reach the ancestral home where me and my fellow reptiles and spiders and cats and crows lives. Every one was warned about the havoc they are inviting by leaving the family goddess in ruins, the priests explained the situation of me and the impact of leaving me this way here further. i heard sudden rise of prayers seeking forgiveness for the fail to take care of me. They were misunderstood that the bad things happened to them was my curse, i wanted to correct them. It was not my curse but it was my powerlessness that made all the bad things happen to them. Skin disease and sight problems that swallowed the latest generation. For years as their ancestors kept worshiping me i had power and used it to be a shield for them protecting from all the negatives that was arrowed to them. Now i don't have that  power and its not me cursing you. I mean no trouble to any of you. This is as a family for me as to you. I belong here and you don't take me as yours.

Fear was stricken in every ones mind. They were all aware of their mistakes and the punishment as they think that reached them. A few of them wanted to help me, a few had no problem and they thought not to waste money unnecessarily. Every member was given a task with regard to uplifting me/my situation. They relieved me from the slither of the snakes. They gave a place of worship to the snakes alone in the farthest corner of the land where the beal tree, banyan tree and the palmyra palm tree(where the legends believe the ghostly women "yakshis" lived) tangled together like a dark wall. I was place-shifted to a temporary hut "balalayam" as they calls it and the old hut where i was brought first was collapsed in the promise of re building it. My ability to read the minds was also gone as i am now just a flame of dim light taken from the "mukhya sthaana". I need you to give my long lost power and the nobility back. chant the manthars, shout the praises i wish you all hear my sob now..

With the unavoiding evening prayers they present before me, the light from the ghee lamp and head bend bestowal of themselves helped me to gain some grace. I blessed them for their small wishes to come true but they never realized it happened because of me. Little by little they were protected from the troubles. but its the modern men, they don't value their own promises. They live for now, they do for now, they always run behind what that's not theirs and let that go  what they have in their hands. They traveled to other big temples, they give offerings to priests and practices. But they spent nothing for me. The work for the new temple paused at the foundations work.

The temporary "balalayam" once shook in a silent earth quake, the wall and the roof cracked. It rain hoarsely in the monsoon throwing the thunder light strike on the earth. It leaked and made me wet. None noticed. My adorn of red silk torn, none observed. I am draining out of my strength more than ever before. and there is no god to help a god. Men creates us and they destroys us. My good times are over and may be this is my time to perish or else they would help me doing their part, i soothed myself. Now that i am empty with the last blaze of my powers i suffer all the misfortunes by myself, yes even gods have to go through bad faith, a bad time..there are many histories about it. I could only watch the ill-fate they receive in the form of bankruptcy, family break ups, diseases, loss, impotence, filth, war, obstacles, death and total destruction . They left me helpless by their deeds..all i can do is to shed a few tears for them but the matter about it is this that..unknowingly my tears becomes a curse for them though i don't wish this to happen to them..

All i  wish is once they know the depth of love and care i have always given to them..

Namastasye..Namastasye..Namastasye..Namo Namah..!!


+Akshaya Dilroop, +pooja jith +adhith suresh , +Ashish Jeena, +shamitha nishanthi , +sujoy pr, +Jithu dancer Jazzrockers, +Rajul Ramesh, +Drishya Divakaran, +darshan divakar, +Anirudh Pradeep  

Our 5th Birthday..!!

Happy Birthday kootharas..!!

How lovely it was to call each other one of the vulgarous word in the dictionary of malayalam. but thats it..this has become the most pretty cool and lovely name in my dictionary. Cant imagine how fast we got past a 5 year..a wooden anniversary or a touch wood thats perfect "touch wood"..

I always wanted us 4 to cut a cake on this day, but god has not granted a day like that. But i guess if we try hard we can make it once, at-least once in this life..

Its my habit to go back and read the first birthday post on every birthdays of ours which in real aches my heart like a fire blow.. the first days of our friendship..our meetings and roamings..marine drive, Oven, North/South/Aluva Railway stations..the waiting and so on.. i..i dont know how to control the images that slaps me in to intolerable pain.. i failed repeatedly in my approaches to forget it and move on..

life has taken us so far, and see none of us gets time, its the dirty life that takes away everything from us. I know i shouldn't  call it dirty coz it has blessed us with a lot many good things but when it comes to the matter about US.. it really ditched us, it granted us every prayers of us but not a move after that point.. But kootharas, i wish life give you some time from the hustle and bustle to write something in here.. this is the thing.. this was always been that link that connected each of us to US.. this is it that i would call the Umbilical cord of IK4.. that would keep us attached always until we all die.. i love you all. but dont know how to express it or show it or what ever.. i have loved you all just like this from the start i remember..

On our 5th birthday i want us all to write a comment on this post.. just to know that you guys are watching the notice board of our friendship..our life..

Wish us again a very happy birthday..!! 

Will It come back..??

Life is strange..it gives a million pleasant and unpleasant things to each of us..some hurts like hell some sweets as marshmallows..we live every moment unknown only thinking of whats happening at the moment..but at times when we get upset missing certain things that has already gone from our hands..Starting from childhood till today we have met many people, loved many, but not all are in touch with us today.. destiny takes everyone to different ways but the foot marks they printed in our heart aches..its not just people but places, houses, schools, colleges and so many.. we left all these places when it was time to leave..but it was just the raiment out,the soul is still clinging in there as memories..Those days we spent cursing us were the most blessed ones..my first school,my grandpa's house, my old bedroom,my bed, the cute ceiling hangings, my books, my college,my friends and a lot many things..the dark monsoon that rumbled like a hungry beast, the power failure and thick blanket, the candle lite..the long talks and paper boats..the letters that i wrote in the blue papers of "inland letter" to my friends during summer..the ones that i got from a few of them..my god will i get a single day from that time again..i wish..

Memories are the most paining gift of god..the lost days are never gonna come back..life is really short..and i miss everything thats gone..people says i should stop doing it and move on..cause there are more days to come and i should create memories to cherish then in someday in then near of farther future..How strange..how strange everything is..nothings permanent..not a single thing including this..the moments i lost typing these words..

Tathastu..!! 

Awareness

"Having knowledge of" this is what google answered me when i asked the meaning of "awareness". It can be alertness, enlightenment or whatever. Right now i am having an Ice cream, its a pretty hot day and its just taking every pinch of my energy from me..i sleep most of the time like i dont have anything to do..none can complain me but doin it on the climatic change.. Yes so right now i am having an ice cream that costs a 200 buck.. and this sticky frozen stuff is not doing any favor to me but gonna effect my health but still for the sake of pleasure i spent that 200 buck even when i am aware that there are millions on some part of the earth who will take it as a blessing if they get this 200 bucks that i simply wasted melting in my mouth..there are many who starve on the street..i sleep under a cute and cozy roof switching on my fan on high..same time some poor fellows acidic and thirsty trying to find a shade of a tree to help themselves protecting from the monstrous sun that can blow you on fire.. I am aware of these facts and the truth is but whats stopping me from doing things like this..??

while i simply type these words, i am aware that a few of the city police is tracking some criminals, our great soldiers are guarding our country from terrorist attacks or attacks from our enemies on the borders sleepless, some scientist watching on changes within the earth whether some earth quake is gonna happen or volcano's are gonna erupt and great astronomers are keeping their eyes 24/7 on alien attacks or meteor strikes..i am aware about these all things too..but how can i extend an helping hand..?? Not possible, i wonder then why is my mind upset and guilty whenever i do things that pleasures me..??

i spent money on a lot of things, like cloths, books, shoes and accessories, food items drinks and crockery and so on..the list is endless..a few books i havent even touched after buying it so is about a few sandals and cloths..do i give it away..?? No then my mind would shout from behind " no no, you spent this much on this, who knows you will get an occasion to wear it" and i would go back to the women waiting eagerly to collect those old cloths in front of my doors and nod sadly saying Nothings left..!! I am aware how bad that women would have felt, and i am aware i could save those money that i wasted unnecessarily..but this just happens..i always tries to clutch my mind when i am in some stores or shopping malls but it requires a fraction of a second to slip away from the balance..

And whenever i see people cutting trees i am aware that this is inviting a mass destruction. I am aware that there are fraudulent activities going on behind the food and health markets/departments, there are manipulations happening with law n order, there are repackaging of expired drugs and foods happening behind my back and at times when required i only buy it..I am aware of a lot of positive and negative things but i am helpless..i am bound to act against it and many a times my conscience push me to do it but my body wont work..the over awareness had created a numbness within me and nothing could cure it..i surrendered myself before all these sins..even then..?? did i get a solution to get rid of the awareness of the truths and make me capable to battle for it../?? no rather i found out another way..

Be aware of yourselves..be aware of the inner self , listening to my heart beat, trying to listen to my own breaths, listening to the robotic works thats happening unstopingly within me.. I found out a way to be aware of my emotions and actions thus i control it before it become vulnerable.. awareness of my 'self' has created an harness that can take control of everything, everything means every single thing..It also allows freedom, it only controls me for itself..

Yes this is it..be aware of yourself and once every one do this..the whole cycle will motion rhythmically in a good way that produce laughter..not tears..simply escape within your 'SELF'

Fools day..!!

How foolish men are to invent a day for fools..?? its fun..rather it was fun while i was a kid..to fool around and to fool others throwing thousands of tricks..my memory blushes when i think of a few times..a few years..it was fun..we had fun a lott..yes..this day reminds me of that day i laughed my stomach out with jee and poo..humm..!! we earned ear-breaking scolds from their mom but the fun we had worth a heaven..it still makes me laugh..but the faces in my memory looks at me rudely now..they fooled me in reality..they behaved or mimicked as if they were true but they fooled me..it was just their act..act of kindness..act of politeness and love..for true love dont misunderstands..like WE..if a day i do wrong to you, my ik4..i am sure of one thing that , i will have a moment granted by you to prove my innocence.. to listen to the situation that led me to do that mistake..i am sad that the people i believed my own had kicked me out from their lives..it had to happen may be..but its sad!!

Life is short, this facts carving my neurons..we dont see the ones we used to see everyday from a particular day..we dont see those laughing faces constantly doing so..life changes..happiness fades..health decays..bones stiffens..lets dont revenge..lets dont curse..lets dont molest.. Lifes short.. realize it.. move ahead with joy, contently..

Stop fooling..or one day you will be fooled very badly..!!

From a long ago..

i saw me roping up water from the well with difficulty..i was lean and i could see my bag ribs moving when each of my hands pull the rope backwards with force..i wore a long mud color skirt, a blouse that made my body bare from under the breasts till the line of my waist..i am not fare complexioned..i was indeed wheatish..and the most peculiar things is this that..i wore a head cloth that covered my head till nose..i wore black metal bangles, neck and ear ornaments..and a dot of red at the center between my eyebrows..who was I..? why do i look so..??i was with all force filling the mud vessels with water that i pull out from the well..it was hot outside but the water was as cold as rain..with the next bucket of water i give a punch on my face with a splash of it..that literally wake me up from the drowsiness of the heat that gulped me..the taste of the water was unexplainable..it was sweet and taste herbs.. i put a pot on my left waste, one over my head and one on my right waist..i don't know how i expertise this..but i was doing it out of habit..i saw children running hear n there..and i was walking through the narrow of a street that had open stalls on both sides.. fresh vegetables and fruits..cloth weavers and shoe makers..

The color that i could see all over was yellow or muddy..the bricks were not cemented and emulsified..it looked like earth grown in to shapes..women were all in the same attire as mine..and the men shouted in loud voice..speaking some unknown unrecognized language.."khe mo na hicho he monthary" one lady asked me.when i was stepping in to a house, i think, my house..the doors were constructed so low that i had to bend and get in and the rooms were dark..there was a small ventilator that passed a narrow line of sunlight in to the house..the floor was muddy but looked like smoothened and polished by using it for centuries.. the roof could be touched..shockingly i replied to that lady " him cho he monthary lona wu" my brain translated it to me..that it means..
a few more pots to be brought from the well..a mud brick fireplace that boiled something in a mud pot which smelled exquisite..and my mouth watered..i stood there staring at it and the lady who was aside stalked me and that made me to approach the well once again..when i stepped out..i found me eyeing towards a carpenter stall..where i found a man..an enough built, wheatish, sweaty, muscled man dressed in a white-turned-cream dhothy and a sleeveless top..a black rope around the neck with a black metal pendent, a turban and thick curled mustache..his face sharp and eyes fired..this man could be the hero of that place..his body moved while he worked and his muscles danced fiercely attracting every women of that street..i noticed a girl enjoying him from the roof of her house and what i did in rage was so culture less..i took a handful of cowdung  and throw it on her face..she spit right on my face from above and ran inside..when i turn my head towards his side..he was laughing that killing laugh showing the fangs that i always wanted to be bitten by..my heart beated like it would just pierce my left breast and fall down..my breaths thicken and then a shout from inside my house.. I carried the last three pots the same way i did before..

a few of  the girls looked like of my age came to call me..they had cloths in their arm and coconut husk fiber in one arm..they were waiting for me to go for a bath..but why,,??dont i have an attached bathroom..i searched inside my house..in the dark i saw a few partitions of cubes thats not attached to the roof..a three fourth covered walls in between and there were three segments, all small and earthen and dark..i was surprised.. in which period of the earth am i in..i re winded my memories and nothing appeared as such in the near times..the group called  me in unison and i took the cloths, towel and the husk fiber the lady in my house handed me over and set out with the girls..we crossed the carpenters..he was completely concentrated in his job but i longed for one single look of his..i stared him..i scanned his features..there could be no other man as perfect as him..i loved him..but do he..?? i wouldn't know.. the girls teased me.. but his attitude turned me down..but he didn't help my disappointment to last longer..he raised his face with a raised eye brow and a one cheek smile..he was the most adorable person in the world i murmured to me..

it was  an open wide pond..and there were two sections one for the men and the other for the women..there were a few other women bathing and some bathing their children..everyone with me undressed and changed to long knee length towel worn around from under the shoulder..their long sumptuous hair caressed their back..those sculpture like oily figures made water balls rolling all over when they dip them in the emerald water..i took my head dress and other and changed to the white towel..it was now i realized that i carried a better roll of back silky folds of coiffure under the veil of mine..i sticked out the clip that holded it and it fall down like a satin curtain smoothing down..it reached just above my knee and it looked magnificent..i joined with a few of them applying turmeric paste..and the fragrance of it made the surroundings lusting.. a dip bath in the cold water made me realize the truth that..this is not where i was till yesterday..i have traveled a long road backward and now i am in the time of untouched sophistication of innocence.. i am here where there is no crime to oneself or to others.. love live and executing the karma.. thats for what people in here live for..

while i enjoy my first day here..trying to experience the every bit of it..i forgot everything.. my ears dint listen my 'sahelis' calling me..my eyes didn't see the lights getting diminished.. i bathed to wash out all the sins i did till yesterday and prepared me to started  a new long ago life.. it was then i heard a splash of water on the other side, the male side..i swimmed a few steps and lean to see who is it at this time..my intuitions said its him..that macho..:) (hehe) i peeped in to see him undressing his top..he looked like the only master-piece of god..he bend down to take a handful of water and splash it on his face..i completely lost myself observing him and fantasizing him in my mind while he swam and appeared just in front of me..i was for an instance shocked and then shy which made my hands ran across my chest covering the ripe underneath the transparency. my eyes rolled down and my wet lips widen with a smile of worry..his long hair that touched his shoulder muscles dripped water that oozed down his navel..he touched me on my shoulder and held his hands on my chin..he raised my face to meet his eyes.. i see love and ecstasy there.. the darkness clouded and it was quite all around.. he enclosed me in his arms and we melted in to one.. in his husky voice he asked me " hown tho rme shinthane"..(what the hell does that mean..??) yes he asked me if i am afraid.. i shook my head saying no.. " sto mein shen hown ry katnaiche.??" he asked me again..why didnt i wait for him here since last friday..this clicked me..so we really were lovers..and we used to meet here..at the point where we are now..i started to work my brain again..trying to recollect things..a set of modern building and cars and planes shuffled away and then the sceneries of lush green field and the sight of the abandoned tree at the top of the hill appeared in my mind..i was in the swing and he was waving it for me..we both were laughing and singing while the wild birds made tunes for us..the manifestation of intense deep passionate love..he carries me like a feather so gently and carefully..we lay down on the grass watching the motions in each others eyes..is this true..?? am i that blessed to be in a real paradise..??

his warm breath on my face break my thoughts in to reality..he was asking me a hundred questions but i was lost somehwere.. he bend his face close to mine that there was just a slight slit for our breaths to pass..his lips pressed to mine..and i tasted the sweetness of his mouth..he took a handfull of my hairs and smelled it with ardor..i kissed his arms and neck and face and eyes..his long tight eyebrows and his stiff forehead.. he ran his face from my lips to neck, neck to the center of my chest and planted a kiss right in the pond of my navel..it sizzled me..i shrunk like a shrimp.. he cuddled me tight and i had no strength to escape from it..

from somewhere with in me,,..i felt i was committing a mistake..i enjoyed it but i wanted to get this over because a part of me shouted that i dont belong to this time..my mind is acting impractical..and all that i was experiencing was unreal..god..!! it was yet another dream..it was not real and now i am sitting on my bed with messed up hair and wide-sorrowed eyes..i turned to him and he was sleeping peacefully..i fall down on my pillow and tried hard to remember each points i saw just now..a few minutes later he woke up and as usual we simply lighted up a small-good-morning-chat..i kept this matter hidden and then it was him who surprised me saying this.." i just dreamed something but i  dont remember much..it was so strange and the place looked like ages back and the language they speak was even stranger you know, i was asking something to someone..like " sto mein shen hown ry katnaiche.??" something like this..and i dont know what it really was.." oh my god..!! i had a relief hearing this from him..and i am really surprised that it was him i was cuddled by in that long lost era,, and i didn't cheat him over loving someone else and making out with some other man..i am really relieved ;-) ..i never wanted to be touched by another man in my life..and it didnt happen even in my dream..it was him..it was we..a long back..a long long long back..

i had a conversation with my mother a few days back while she says she had my horoscope taken to an astrologer and he told her that our match was impeccable..our love is the strongest and the understanding is wordless..we were in love and where lovers and later husband and wife for the past few births..may be what i have seen was an episode from one of our births..i wish we could still live in that peaceful..lovely time..where there is no harm but only harmony..!!

Silent Screams..

Incredible India..!! literally India was incredible but not anymore..i was always been so proud to be an Indian  who by birth itself gets a tag for having a rich culture and heritage.. well to talk about these too points we Indians have thousand tongues.. and there isnt any need to exaggerate but we forgets ourselves explaining and explaining.. But today I feel ashame..i feel insecure..and pathetic for trying to understand the fact that a few of my fellow countrymen are dead and a lot of them are badly injured and critically hospitalized..

The series of bomb blasts that continued to happen in our country. This is what that took all my feelings towards my own country.. To the country who gives place for its own traitors to live in.. India is an Independent country but still in the arms of terrorism and corruption.. we are all used to the latter one and as it dont demand a human life to be sacrificed we were ready to keep our eyes closed before it.. but terrorism is unacceptable.. This is our country, this where our ancestry belongs to and this is our motherland..we thought this is the only place we are safe in the whole world.. We pay tax, we vote for the rulers and what we get in return is thorns and hurling stones upon us that wound is in depth and bleeds for a life time.. we lose our love, mother, father, brother, sister, friends when ever some insane group of humans make terror blasting their explosive weapons.. I dont blame them..when given support who wont take advantage..?? In sucha big nation, which has the "Third largest standing army in the world" and ranks "Seventh in the military expenditure". USA being currently the only Superpower, India is one among the 6 BIG countries who are rapidly growing with their markets, military strength and economic potential on the line to attain the Superpower status.

[India possesses nuclear weapons and maintains short- and intermediate-range ballistic missiles, nuclear-capable aircraft, surface ships, and submarines ]

We have everything in hand and the support of 1,210,193,422 people, whats more is required. look at the size of human power which place us on the 2nd highest in the world.. It shouldn't be taken in that sense that yeah we have more than enough populated here..let a few get burned and killed..when one kills that means an atom in the Indian substance is lost..its a loss and in the past few years this loss continues and no proper actions to keep it in its original shape has been taken.. we lack monitoring..we lack a good system.. i know its difficult to collapse the existing old-worn-system in a snap..there are millions of hungry tummys but are we doing something honestly to help them from their starvings..?? No!! then where is it going?? to the pockets of the treasurers..?? where ever it is.. its time to change the old stands.. lets stop thinking about "me" and "my family" lets just fucking start thinking about "my country".. i dont have a shit in my bank account..but when i have something i try my best to share it with another whom i have never seen before but sure knew that he and me had grown from the same mud..from the chest of the same country.. this is a minute or a fraction of the minute of goodness that i am trying to do for my fellow countrymen.. i am proud about myself and those people i know of who do this smallest kindest act.. i bow them with all the integrity secured in my heart.. i dont deny this that there are rich people who do it richly. if i am feeding one stomach with one meal they might be doing it regularly or some are doing it for a big amount of people monthly..there are people sponsoring poor kids but i am definite about this fact too that not everyone are doing this.. whats is wrong in it..?? lets start imagining ourselves being a beggar or a highly diseased, leprotic..how painful that feeling would be..that pain we struggled to keep inside us when we find someone eating a delicious food while we haven't eaten for a couple of weeks.. that craving..that flushed saliva in our mouth wanting to have at least a piece of bread or to drink a drop of water.. imagine..imagine the pain we go through when we get a wound on our finger..imagine big, when we fall from the steps to the floor..imagine it to the farthest extreme.. having us being stabbed by a knife..we feel suffocated even while watching it someone doing in the movies.. then imagine the pain of someone who dont have money to cure major diseases like cancer, aids and etc..

Its Pitiful..that even in the most read/reading e-magazine/encyclopedia called Wikipedia explains India with a line of heart aching drawbacks [ it continues to face the challenges of poverty, illiteracy,corruption, malnutrition, inadequate public healthcare, and terrorism.] can any expect me to be 100% proud for being a citizen of a country categorized this way..?? Historic India had an outstanding ruling system..we followed the rules and regulations strictly may be because everyone knew how torturous the punishment would be.. its in a single hard hand that controlled everything which was a good thing.. Fear is the best treatment. Where there is no fear you can do any nasty thing that you feels to. When you have impeccable strength and goodness in you, then you will be positioned in that place that every levels of the followers can see you heading..and they will follow you with their eyes closed.. and the most saddest thing is this that, there is no such good leaders for us to believe blindly..

This happens continuously , the enemies succeed their mission various times..then what worth the lives our soldiers sacrificed for years protecting us in the boundaries..during their unslept..uneaten.. thirsty days and nights holding the guns and standing still vigilant for days and weeks..sometimes months means.. they are fooled..their souls would regret..we should not allow that to happen any longer any more..This is our country..we are Indian Hindhus, Indian Muslims, Indian Christians, Indian Jews, Indian Jain, Indian Buddhist and Indian Sikhs.. we are ultimately "just  Indians".. lets not support our enemy clan.. lets protect ourselves.. lets save our country.. you might have given shelter to the enemies but not from now on.. change yourself.. be in the way of God and dont cheat your own country.. die hundred times to hang one enemy.. they deserves it.. those who do bad for the humankind must be punished and those who support them must be fired as well.. No more innocent blood shed.. No more crimes towards our motherland.. One life..live honestly, compassionately, fearlessly and die painlessly..

"Bharathmatha Ki Jai"

+Dilroop Kurikkalot,

Those true EteRnal feelings...

Love. there cant be any other topic to write today..being a lover myself..being a true believe of love..who had seen it felt it and understood it.. Love was always on the top, and there is not a single human who are born that never had felt this emotion at least once in life..

Its Valentine's day. don't know why i feel this is my first valentines day with him. our marriage was in the month of Jan and this special day is in Feb..i am wondering, in which world i was last year at this time.. Yes i was lost..lost in the world of the most purest unconditional love..and i really enjoyed every sweet drops of it..i was like a new born in love and this year i am a year old and my heart matured, i dont like it to be that way but it just happened but the love, that kept growing like a big fat boy.. :)

Today i want to rewind or go back or to turn the time back to those days when it just bloomed, when the souls just got that lite flame of loves fire.. yes fire that grows and grows deeply which cant be ceased, which will never stop blazing in the hearts of those who carry the real, true feelings..

Love can catch you from any where, in the street, in the bus, in a super market, in a coffee shop, in a library anywhere if you are destined to..all you have to do is to get your eyes locked accidentally that will make you immovable..building an unseen link which shares each and everything hidden under the mask of your face and  in a moment you feel your heart pound loud.. because its not just yours but your loves too..in that moment you forgets the world around you..just read the stories in his/her eyes taking the halves of happiness and sadness and all that is inside..you will feel the goosebumps over your skin which gets severe..dry leafs flying in the air and the wind blowing all around..Loves beauty is immaculate..

As i told, love can happen anywhere .now a days in internet too, which i consider is the truest form of it..two people fell in love without seeing, without knowing with a complete unknown.. those who succeeded internet/ciber love is the most powerful ones..it is a proof for the fact that love happens in between two souls not two bodies..i am a captive of this form of it..only difference was that he loved me even before i knew of it..before years and kept it..secure it and gave it when god allowed the right time for him..i am blessed.. love is a blessing.. there are tons of humans who kill themselves for this.. so you know how important it is.. and how badly it thrall the human minds.. no matter who he or she is..how big, beautiful, stressful, virtuous we are.. it simply happens and your puzzled life will be changed..

2001, i was in my 8th standard and i happen to attend my cousins cousins pre-marriage-night-party..in the blue and gold frock that my mom tailored it for me..she had that habit of  dressing me up with her own ideas and she continued it even i reach as tall as her.. :) no wonder, for a mother, her children don't grow.. just their sizes change.. i attended the function with my dad and my little brother.. i was so nervous as i know there are a lot of boys who would stalk me, tease me and make me cry.. it happened before a couple of times.. my lil bro got engaged playing with his aged buddies in there and my dad too got occupied chatting with the people he know, in fact the elder people in that house are his cousins too.. i drew me back from the crowd and placed me in the empty hall..i was full in tension thinking about the guy who follows me after school.. the one who had an innocent face and beautiful smile with those sharp upper fangs on both sides.. his letter that had pink ink writings.. a few words that seemed passed straight from his heart to the point of the pen with a mixture of couple of lines from the band, back street boys latest song (Although loneliness has always been a friend of mine, I'm leavin' my life in your hands, People say I'm crazy and that I am blind, Risking it all in a glance, And how you got me blind is still a mystery, I can't get you out of my head..)i was confused, whether to neglect or receive his love..whether it was true or fake.. but the words he says simply vaporized me.. it was a first experience for me and i just didn't know what to answer him.. Sometimes intuitions play a vital role in life..i was longs lost in the thoughts and suddenly someones sight made it uneazy to continue with it..it might have been a very strong one.. i checked around and found a mess of humans laughing talking and doing a lot of things they wish all over there.. someone was staring and i couldn't catch up..it became irritated and i get on with my that style of sitting.. with ma heads bend down..

A few days after that marriage, on a weekend when i go stay at my cousins place, she teased me saying, "gorgeous you made two guys fall by that days visit to the party, one was the brother of the bride.." now who knows he is, but she absentmindedly mentioned his name and i know him i have seen him too in schools.. that serious looking, quite, lean guy.. a couple of times i had just said my friend that he is my cousin.. just to attain a position cause he is a full time member in school politics..

Years passed technologies grow, people got crazy in social networking and for an escape from the head aching tasks i also decided to open an account in it, i got engaged in increasing the number of friends and i clashed up on adding this guy, Dilroop. he was the first guy who had ever declined my request, a really charming profile with the cropped image of my kholed eyes..as i am used to use spectacles always, it looks bad when i remove it coz that part of my face dont match with other parts, kind of a damn mismatch like someone had cut a portion of someones eyes and fixed on my face..but when i cropped it alone..it looked beautiful..when he decline my request i felt it like a small slap on my face..i resent the request but for so many days he didnt respond..my eagerness grew, i had that long back hint in my mind that this guy once loved me..and now why hes behaving like this..i scanned his profile, his relationship status was single and interested in men only..i don't know why but felt a kind of relief..i asked myself why i was behaving that way..i kept monitoring his profile..scraps, updates and photos and then i found a photo of him holding a white girl in a blue dress dancing..a tint of jealous ran through from somewhere in my mind, but then i thought why am i bothered about it and simply commented on it.."is that your girlfriend..??"..the very next day..i got an update that this guy accepted me and a scrap in my scrapbook saying " i don't have any girl friend" and surprisingly i checked his album once again and the image was deleted.. :) an unknown happiness glared across my face and that's how we started chatting..in the beginning sharing a few scraps..every morning i simply get enthusiastic to open orkut and check the scrapbook and i would find at least one from him..through this conversation i came to know that in his office all these kind of things are banned during working hours so he messages me after reaching home..suddenly i became interested in going to office..i prepared words to share with him while i brush, bath, eat and walk..But i was not ready to accept the truth that it was love..

The eagerness, the uneasiness and the irritation boiled up..the tension the worry the unslept thought full nights,  the care..all this made a mix and gave me a ache at the center of the chest ..a sweet pain that made my each breath heavy.. i was suffocated with Love.. the man i had hardly seen a couple of times in the past. Who knows how he looks like now..i wondered if he still have that rudeness in his face.. the silence that caged his every feelings.. at the same time when i was undergoing this stress i refused to convert this friendship to the next step..we shared everything that happens in our life everyday through chat and suddenly we were completely updated about each other to each other.. even when it was banned in his office to use personal chats he took risk and started doing it for he wanted ma presence somehow and i realized it.. after a few days he disclosed me about a girl he loves. at first when i heard it i was hit with utter disappointment but then a belief strengthen in me that it cant be none other than me.. i wanted him to spit the truth out but he wanted me to ask him..all that he said matched me.. i was 99% sure but 1% still troubled me and i continued to get it out from him.. on a fine day while chatting, mistaking the word 'no' as 'no.' he gave me his number.. :) i still doubt that it was his trick.. but it looked like fun and in the next instance he asked me for mine.. i dint give..but i saved his name as 1. DK (its still the same in my mobile :) )

Some kind of mystery started to heat  in me and the blush, that slight pink stain that love fix on the cheek and that one bright light in the eyes that feelings creates made my friends doubt me..they never wanted me to fall in love cause we including me believed that love spoils people but then when i have him all my philosophies crushed apart in to a thousand bits.. i hid it from them for so long.. i being quite, lost in dreams not making any fuss made them irritated..the very Sunday after getting his number a kind of urge pushed me from my back to dial his number and give a ring.. holidays become the worst days of my life.. i withdraw me from the usual hangouts with my friends and that made them more angry.. i dreamed and slept, wake up and dialed then disconnect before it could have a single ring.. i waited for him to ask me again for my number but he didnt..i wished he would get my number from our cousins and would call me but he didnt..this made me desperate..but after some days he asked me again..he told he just want to sent messages and wont talk..my heart beat as if it will break out with happiness and i passed him my number..but he bluffed..the same day he called me and i couldn't stop me from picking the call..my hands shivered..for some seconds i could hear only his breaths and i noticed that i am responding the same way..i was worried how hard my voice would be heard through the phone and feared whether he would like it or not and so on..i corrected my throat a couple of times and then from the other side "hellon" :P that slightly rough, manly but cute voice traveled through my ears to all over me i literally felt it with my eyes open wide indulging in the waves of that voice which carried that one single word.. with a husky fearful tumbling vote i gave a "hellow" back.. "uuuuuuuuuffffffff renikutty..." this was the next from him and the love, care, affection and all those feeling that he protected in a shell inside him melted and dripped in extensively to me.. i could swim like a swan in it and just escape from this world with him to somewhere where there is only me and him.. his every words strucked in me like an arrow.. he explained me everything that came out like thousand colorful beautiful caged butterflies break the lid and come out of the jar..for these years he kept pushing it tight in, so that it would never come out and then when i am in his life again the frozen emotions cracked and flooded..i simply listened and blamed me for not being able to find the true love of my life from the time it took birth..its been 7 long years..but then we should accept that it has a particular time for things to happen..we kept texting, chatting but we spoke only for a few minutes before sleep..he wakes me in the morning with a ring and all these came under our routine..

We text each other every time and thanks to the service providers, they brought new offers up that supported us texting is a very nice way to open our heart..words danced on my finger tips and i could write words incomparable to any written poems.. :) love sweeped  the dust off from the unknown abilities of mine that existed somewhere inside me..i worked in between kept an ear for an sms beep..i made up reasons to write to him and everything changed in my life.. we started to have lunch together but from two different places.. Love never hold you in a single place, when you get one it demands the next, when the next is in hand it demands the other and the demands just roll out like a big lengthy list..i wanted to see him..to have a look in to his eyes and steal all that is in there.. i wanted to see his smile..i wanted to know his smell..i wanted to feel his warmth.. being a girl and taking an initiative did'nt sound practical for me..but as if god had listened to me something happened that could help us to meet up..though, it was an unpleasant circumstance.. He had to come to my place as one of his uncles was hospitalized.. and the day when he was boarding the bus to Cochin he called and informed me this.." i am coming there to see an uncle of mine. hes hospitalized, i am not sure if i can spare some time for us but i will surely try.." i just was so excited..the first thing that i did was run straight to the mirror..i checked my face one organ after one so keenly like a chemist or scientist or astronomer.. :D..oww my eye brows were grown and i was suppose to go do it this weekend but for tomorrow i should look pretty and what i did was simply shave with a razor blade..rest all was fine..then i opened my wardrobe and check on all of my cloths.. he wanted me to be simple..he hated make up.. he likes lite shades and so i choose a lite lavender and off-white kameez.. i couldn't sleep that night..as he was travelling he couldn't sleep as well.. we texted until i fell asleep but by them it was close to dawn..i wake up and groomed me..as simple as possible..i left my dark shads of lipsticks and applied a lite watery lip glow and a thin layer of kohl, my hair was left like that as it was trimmed..a very gorgeous short layers.. i checked my toe and applied a lite shade of polish..a wooden bangle on one hand and a big sporty watch on the other.. i looked nice..but still i wasnt confident..i was thinking that this guy is from a big city and he might have seen the most loveliest girls in there and ow would i  please him..??then i calmed me, i knew all this,,but i also know that he loves me regardless of the fact that he could get better girls as he had everything that a girl would expect of.. i took leave after lunch..but as boss was not there i waited for his call so that i can leave from there..after some time he called and asked me about any place that i know of where we could meet..we both were confused..he had his friends with him, among them had one of our other cousin..after a few unsuccessful calls in which we  discussed and decided but not being able to confirm our cousin had to suggest a place and they fixed it for Grand Hotel..one of the oldest but finest hotels in that city..

i waved everyone in my office, checked my face in the glass for the last time and left, caught a rikshaw and give directions to the driver..i was feeling nauseous and was sweating..my heart was thumping and i could hear it..my breaths become even heavy and i struggle to gulp in some air to keep me alive..i gasped and then to make my breathing steady i took a few oral inhale-exhalation.. i collected all my hairs and hold it in one side with a hand in tight to avoid a mess and then loosen it when i reach just before the entrance of the hotel..i paid for the ride and turned to find him..in an off- white human faced t-shirt and blue jean..:) look at the coincidence we both were in the same color..this is love..it connects through your heart no matter at which end of the world you are..and passes thoughts through intuitions.. we ran our eyes here and there for some time with sort of diffidence or impatience or something and then in between the hello-hi's it collide..that made us still for a few minutes..for the first time in life i too felt that enigmatic, mysterious, passionate, strange and unusual grip that hold me to the earth at the same time leaving a feeling that there is nothing under my foot..i was in the air..weightless..breathless and it was beautiful.. his big long lashed eyes took my soul from me..it simply made me unmovable..i found the idol of love in him and i vow to worship it for the rest of my life..the texts, those beautiful words those feelings those needs all splashed in my head and i felt i was spinning and would go unconscious in the relish of heat that his presence had brought. we approached together towards a circled table with four of them seated and staring us in anguish..no one would recognize us as we have met just now..we looked as close as those in a pretty old relationship.. it just occurred that way naturally..at this point i wanted to pause my life and live it for eternity.. i dont want it to end ever.. i wanted to die that way that day so that the last breath that i take would give me his odor and the last memory of me n him..and my life after death would remain  perfect..The sand in the hour glass kept draining and each grain in it took away those lovely moments that i never wanted to stop..food ordered for me rested on the table untouched..i was full with that hot sweet corn chicken soup that helped me burn the air that stuck in my trachea tube and made it easy.. i finished it in no time and the guys were surprised..an urge to touch his hand made me uneasy again..i calculated things in my head about my actions and moves..just to know how warm he would be..i tried to erase this though from my mind but my mind was wicked a 10 times more than me..it cling on to it and bullshit, when he was handing over the ice cream bowl..intentionally i placed a few fingers upon his..i dont know if he or anyother there noticed it..but the tips of his fingers were ice cold..to have that ice cream was really interesting my mischievous mind danced and jumped and rolled with merry inside me..i was sure about one thing..that my cheeks might have blushed..it happens whenever i keep some personal secrets..

a world of our own..!!

He promised me to drop me back to my office. by then it was time for me to catch the train..i waved to his friends and then we caught a rikshaw..he allowed me to get in first and i obeyed him..we sit in the extreme ends even i wished to have his hands around my shoulder, i always believed it to be the most caring posture in the world..after a few minutes of silence he turned to me and lit a conversation..casual things and then i find his face turned to watch the outside views but i knew something was running in his head..his eyes fixed in a position but was not watching anything..i realized his mind was acting in the same way as mine did inside the restaurant.. he turned to me his eyes crooked, brows wrinkled down and bit lips as if to control a smile.. he held his right hand across his down-half of face keeping his index finger above his upper lips and rest of the finger down the chin..that made me make out that he surely was planing something..and the bloody me was waiting for his actions..in a fast quite husky throaty voice he asked me if i would allow him to hold my hand..:) i was kinda shocked with my jaws open down..without getting a reply from me, he grasped my hands and encased mine in both his palms..only the tip of his fingers were cold..but the center it was warm and soft like a sweater.. my heart thumped again..like a rushing train..he bend his head and adored my hand for some time and to make me paralyze he planted a kiss on the back of my palms..his warm breath fondled my skin a few times..the smack of the kiss made me deaf and my hands shivered.. my eyes widen in astonishment with disbelief..it was so unexpected and unexplainable..my hands become as soft and moist as butter..and i quickly took it back..it might be a reflex action..soon after this i felt my senses ditched me..i wanted it to be cuddled in his palms as long as it can stay that way..since i took it back he thought i felt what he did was implausible..but it was not true..i wanted to tell it to him because i don't want him to carry that guilt any longer..the rest of the travel he kept his face outside blowing in some fresh air..i felt sad..i want to go with him..live with him..but i know this is not the time..and it is impossible..i opened my eyes to reality and it was time for the departure..we paid for the rikshaw and get inside the station..trains are coming and going..we stood at the coach position of mine in the first platform..he walked ahead me for a few steps..i fasten my steps to reach him and hold his hand..he turned his face to meet mine..he smiled and i smiled back..

We have shared and enjoyed the most purest and deepest love together for a few years..and the strength of our love made us strong to battle for success..we had gone through difficulties but faced it together..and even we are no longer in the safer road now..our paths are filled with thorns and the storm of struggle is stroking us..we never mind it, because we have always had each others hand that uplifted us when we were down..that supported us when we were tired..that guided us when we were confused..that kept us healthier to fell again and again in love with each other through every single day that passed..the great things about us is that we are in Love.. truly, madly, deeply...



Happy Valentine's Day my Love..  +Dilroop Kurikkalot