It was like a tradition followed in my family to call every subfamilies youngest ones "Ponnu" , In which my brother and my dads elder brothers youngest daughter were the most known "ponnus" who had born hand in hand with just a gap of a couple of weeks.
My dad and his elder brother "pratheesh" who looked alike, behaved alike were the most closest too..and as an unrolled ribbon the connections in between the family were so tight from the father to father, mother to mother, eldest son to eldest son, middle child to middle child (me and jee) and finally ponnu to ponnu. we grew up together fight playing caring and loving until one day the connection just hung on father to father only. we found it late about someone trespass our minds dirtying with poison of loathe. but by the time this happen we lost one precious gem from our minds crown.
We all grew up together sharing unbreakable friendship and sibling-hood. While both Ponnu's grew up building an invisible link just like twin born. Me and jee at the same time were even called twins for having being resembling alike somewhere. time passed and one day the girl ponnu started to feel unease finding her sister getting closer more to me than her. her sore mind was known to us but we took it as a childs things. it reached to that extend that she even told me on my face that i am stealing her sister. Life went on as planned by the almighty and it favoured her, that the plan took me far away from her loving sister and it was then only they both. God gave more reasons to be worried about and i hardly realize that this happened.
When i get back to my native after years, all i found was a beautiful women formed from an introvert, down, annoyed, irritated girl. She had that all grace which could blaze any lovers heart on fire. Boys run mad behind her. she dumped a few and a very few dumped her, she was miserably racing to find the perfection of the prince-charming in her dreams..but never found anyone covering the completion. There was none to make her know that no one takes birth as a complete person, its their lives experiences and the situations they lived makes them or mould them. Every human possess that ability to bend in to any shape but it always require a powerful sculpturers hand. When someone loves someone deeply, each of the lovers gain a hold in each others mind, body and soul.. they becomes an instrument of affection and care that they works on the partners way when winded correctly. Love is ultimately not finding a perfect person but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly. she failed to realize this fact and tried forsaking her whole to fed her fantasy.
after my marriage, a sand wind cracked the two families and literally we all broke up except the fathers. we never spoke to each other, we never met each other, infact we ran away from each other, somewhere we tried not to collide at the centre of the crossroads..but all i knew from then to now is that for a very long time i continuously dreamed of jee and patching up with them..i dreamed of the two sisters, the two i ever considered as my elder one and my younger one..i could never imagine this that we are out from two different wombs. finally after a very long time, being the food of another disaster made me forget them and carry on with what life gives me day to day or time to time. My life gave a big price to help me escape from the dreams that made me weep every single morning. The abortion..!!
Ponnu matured on top of her skin to be a bold, outspoken, strong, eligible women. she was the only girl born in that family who had that courage to sleep alone in our old house which had been now taken over by their father. her fantasy can be seen solid in her room.. it was decorated with a violin on the wall, a big teddy bear and a handful of soft toys on her dressing table an oval mirror, a pinky bedside foot mat and a white cloud like filigree bed net cascading from the roof till the floor making it look imperial..it looks like a perfectly ordered princess room..curtains and wardrobes and a big line of footwear's..what didn't she had? i question me. i have always seen her to be a perfect piece of gods art..
apart from other times of my life after marriage, these days i kept myself busy with the works i had. My self respect grew high watching myself skipping my food and TV shows . i was back to that state of excellence. dedication, Corresponding, talking, writing, thinking, calculating and so on. I was temporarily unavailable for my friends and family, i was busy planting the seeds to grow up and fruit money. It was then i got one of my sisters call, whom i wanted to call and check about herself and her long-waited baby. I gladly picked up the receiver and squeezed it in between my left shoulder and cheek so that i can free my hands to work on my laptop. She sounded cheerless and then she shocked me with this. saying "ponnu is gone. she committed suicide."
for a moment i was a cut out from every systems that kept me alive. my breath held, heart stopped and the receiver fell down..my hands shivered like a arthritic patient. My mind went back hundreds of days back..rushing like i am falling from the sky. weightless and powerless..wind blowing my skin a back..pictures of different occasions flipped through, i heard laughters and fights and yells. I couldn't believe that the moment was real, or what i heard was true. i bend down and picked the phone to hear her utter my name in distress. i couldnt say a word but mumbled something and then i realized that i am screaming..
as every time, i tried convincing my mind saying, i didn't get any call, it was a dream and nothing happened. everything was the same as before. i kept lying to myself in disbelief. My mobile ringed, and after more than 1 and a half years, i find this name appeared on the screen "Jean Blr". we broke up for no reason but we patched up paying a fortune. that wasn't necessary. it got our ponnus lifes value.. i didn't want it giving her whole self. for some reasons, i was not surprised to see her calling me. i picked up and my concious mind returned to screeching, yelling and shouting and crying and weeping. how would i console her? what will i tell her? "its ok?"..i listened to her and she listened to mine. both f our minds wandered with a WHY?
On hearing this news, he was out of his office to home. he knows the depth of me emotionally, mentally and physically. i become just a translucent layer of something through the years and i cant hide anything within me..no room for hidden files..i felt so blessed to have him and sorry to him for threatening him of dying for silly matters and promised him, i will never ever say that word again. i can imagine how much that might have hurt him to hear it in my voice..when i now know how much i feel lost and wounded to have this news of my little sister passing away. i kept searching every corners of my memory for what could be the reason for her to forsake her life, i failed miserably to find an answer. it was all complete when it comes to her. i always though that being her would be the most luckiest thing to happen in someone's life. she was blessed with everything a girl of her age desire about. I could make up my mind with just this, she died out of luxury. I would say only this..a loving brother..father..sister..mother.. her every wishes were always fulfilled..
I praised her courage at once and then i corrected. to live is the most difficult thing. death is as simple as swallowing a few pills. but to live is to sacrifice many things, undergo different pains, having mental and physical tensions, taking responsibility, bearing children, building a family. people go to hospitals to get cure from incurable diseases like AIDS, cancer and lot many ailments, why? they wanna live, they dont even seek a normal life, they just wanna be on the earth, alive no matter bedridden, or with external support, they just wanna take breath. many are there wishing to live for another day or month or a year. Life is short and precious. one day we all will die. we will see people vanishing from our lives. which i will say is one among the most difficulties to face in LIFE. losing the near and dears forever, we watch them smile, cry, play, love and care and one day all ceased in the air conditioned glass-box.
We are all born to die. then why dont we build that courage and be strong to face everything life presents us? Everyone does it, have done it and will continue doing it. Pushing oneself to death is just a running away from life. Its only complete, when we devour everything life has kept for us. It is the purpose of taking birth in this vast universe. To grown in the darkness of the womb, experiencing the first breath, to get breast-fed, to play, to learn,to make friends, to fall in love, to give commitments, to acquire great heights, to travel the world, to have pleasure in sex, to break up relationships, to lie at times, to devote, to marry, to become parents, to watch them grow, to raise the children, to become parent-in-laws, to become grand parents and great grand parents to spoil the children, to teach the lifes experiences, to guide them, to encounter everything that possibly comes your way, good bad, sweet sore, negative positive, sad and happy and then retire to rewind it, to cherish and prepare to go to the grave with that toothless wide smile of satisfaction. This is called a complete Life. This is for what one is on this planet. For this is why a mother press her pain down the navel to bring you into this beautiful world. her pain must not go in vein. show her yourself living in joy. Thats the one best things a child can give to their living goddess, your guardian angel on earth, The Mother..!!
After a long pensive journey, we reached there after the stars glow, its winter, and the sky is as clear as a dark azure blanket dotted with white. the moon was glowing like a round silver plate. it was all silent and my sight broke it. a sudden cry of grief echoed the whole place. a few aunts, my mother and jee were out to receive the falling me..i was placed on the chair and jee came to console me holding her breath..she hasnt changed a bit, some grains in my brain couldn't leave it unobserved. the night was passed unslept trying to find out a clue for this action of hers in our minds and then projected it to her room where things remained in the same order, how she left it. Her few things were in the custody of police, like camera, two mobile phones and her laptop. We being the sisters were asked to keep some of her cloths ready to dress her while bringing her home from the hospital. We choose her favourite purple dress, the one which she wore on my wedding and the accessories she used to ornate herself, her bangles, earrings, neck lace, bindhi and her favourite perfume. For so long, since i got married, we started planing for hers, we thought of what kinda cloths to get her for the engagement, pre-night party, the jewellery, the best make-ups and a lot many things. we even decided to cloth ourselves in our wedding dress on her great day..but..ultimately the plans are not ours..its all confirmed and sealed by the one above, moving the strings..
We watched the dawn, the sunrise, and then people started accumulating, relatives, friends, neighbours, colleagues. every visitor to her mothers room caused louder screams. which made it unbearable to control the pain thats pulsating at the centre of the chest. every eyes looked sore and swollen. her mothers tears rolled down enough to wash the whole face to neck to the narrows of her breasts that was once sucked by her last child in hunger and thirst whos no more now.
the sound of the ambulance banged my head, everyone was expecting to see her for the one last time. in the crowed there would have been, heart-broken young guys, her enemies, her friends and mates. everyone gathered nearing the hall way where her body was brought. me and jee for once refused to see her, we wanted to have that smiling, moving, lively face of her in our memory to remember her forever. But we were asked to go and see her or let her watch us bursting out our everything for losing her. Watching our baby on the floor all dressed up, still like a stone, eyes half closed and grey lips partially open was the most torturous sight we ever had n our life..she was just a flower bloomed, she had many more days to cheer but she took herself to a journey on her own, alone..i felt my whole body throbbing in disbelief, she was frozen in the mortuary for a whole day, couldn't imagine how they cut through the different parts of her mushy body. I watched her blink-less for the last time, our kiddo, shes gone and this is the last time we would ever see her, even though, she looked so different- life less. She was our pampered little doll. Her wrinkled-nose smile, which many times made me felt like shes not only smiling with her lips but her happiness glowed and flowed through her beautiful brown eyes. Her silk like hair, her jingling talk, we are gonna miss it all till the end of our lives.
For the last time, having her in front of us, made me feel like i was having a bad dream and hoped someone to interrupt me and wake me up. but the roars of grief draw me back and made me realize it is reality. Someone shouted that the corpse cant be kept for so long and they want to take her to the beach where hindu funeral activities were done. this made me feel dizzy, i tried my best to take in as much of air as i can or i will faint, my nose was blocked, my eyes were blurred, my hands raised itself to touch her for head and bless her for the last time, the blessing i kept to present her on her marriage. I placed my hand on her and it was just like cold concrete, as cold as an ice box, numb and unmovable, lifeless and solid..all i could do finally for her was to drop a kiss on her forehead, i placed a red rose on her hands shivering and trembling and kissed her skin slowly, it made the skin on my lips numb too..i looked at her for the last one time and turned to the room where we were waiting her final arrival..the cries become louder and sharp that pierced my heart from front to back.
The siren rang again, we heard the sound of the engine of the ambulance start, it was her last travel on the earth, we heard the doors shunt closed and then it moved..Saying bye to even a stranger is sometimes difficult then how can we say bye forever to someone our own? the cries reached the highest heights made the room quiver like earth quake..the yowl turned in to shouts, the shouts in to cries, the cries in to weeps and the weeps in to sobs, by then the tears were all done producing. the most difficult part is this, to watch someone cry tearless..
Life is not something to throw into the garbage. its worthy. love yourselves, live to the fullest and never die with regrets cause human brain is still not convinced about finding whats after DEATH. its a question still unanswered. No one knows what happens, and those who knows never explained..
The most wonderful things in life cant be seen or sometimes touched, it should always be felt. So its simple..its the feelings and emotions that keep everyone of us going in life. Our fellows not only invented all these technological master-pieces but also the fast and hurried flow of life. A life-style that only takes but never gives. I encountered a few people in the slow walks that i take, and could get surprise that many of them don't even realize that they breath. Life is "just". The run must cease one day. And nothing is permanent.
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