Seven

Seven are the colors

That’s paint my life

Seven are the hills that

I bound to climb

Seven are the notes of the music

That my soul play

And seventh is the haven

Where I ought to reach on my final day...

Selfless Possessions

From the weirdest wilds

I wake up with thirst

Breaking the all invisible

Knots, that binds me from

My inner to outer

I unwind my ‘self ‘

My selfless possessions

That I carried through 
And saved just for you...

November Night..!!

The days so bright and white

The sky is a fluffy bunny of clouds 

The chill blew my face frozen and pale

Taking every single red of my cheek to fade

They flare the wings wide, the birds so high

And the sight would just make me blaze my fire

The nights are blue and the stars shimmer

I help myself with a cup of  enriched Joy

Cross-legged and longed for a broken star

To rain the gleaming dust of Love

My eyes wide, my heart pound

As the wind caressed my undisclosed fancies

That are now broke out from the

So long locked and suppressed chagrin

No fragrance of jasmine soothed me

No splash of the rain smoothed me

I was still an unbloomed bud

That had all that nectar yet to fed

Sweet and sugary, the drink of the gods

Are still enclosed under the feather of my heart

Come and explore, I shout out loud

But the dumb world seemed gone deaf all around

The November night as

Always slime

Wearing the shattered silvers that chime 

I wonder how I ponder it always

Since I was grown to know its charm

Has always kept this marvel unleash

Love was in the air

Of the perpetual November

Strong and deep

Like the flavor of a melted

Dark chocolate that linger your tongue eternally 

Don’t leave, don’t go

Don’t rush, don’t retreat

Coz you have all of me to restrain

For your selfish needs to be gifted

And your selfless manners to be praised

Stay the way you have always been

Don’t let my heart get crushed in pain

And long for you to arrive again

After a ride of hundreds more miserable days..!!

Ruled by the Means..!!

The play of gain and loss is fury

We‘ve seen it from the start to the bury

The eras at the point of just burglary 

That a mother gets the rent

For where you were buried

And how you are nurtured

In her walls till surgery.

Funny is this, that you escape the route

As soon as your claws set firm on the floor

Taking pleasure in a whole and then rob the lot

Sinner is who not her not you

It’s the world that churns no more on the axis

But only on the means… :)

Back to the Start..!!

Still and motionless was

I in the desert

Sands under my foot

Grow up to shape a frame

Frame of human all around

Like the grains of sand infinite

They roar and shift

From place to place

As if a current is pushing

Them from phase to phase

My eyes wander for a

Known face in the rush

Of the unknown chase

The storm of the sand whirled a high

Brought down my vision to dry

Abstained the souls to

Their own holes

Leaving aback my

Cries ever so untold

My biased fury broke out

To the seamless space

Where the stars of my dreams

Used to glitter like a beryl

Yellow and silver

Glimmer and flicker

Till my eyes were eclipsed
By the sheath of the desertion 

Unrecognized by my fellows

Who, always kept me lively

Here I go wandering

All alone again in the

Search of the soul that
reside In me, undiscovered...

The Golden Unicorn (our ponnu)

It was like a tradition followed in my family to call every subfamilies youngest ones "Ponnu" , In which my brother and my dads elder brothers youngest daughter were the most known "ponnus" who had born hand in hand with just a gap of a couple of weeks.

My dad and his elder brother "pratheesh" who looked alike, behaved alike were the most closest too..and as an unrolled ribbon the connections in between the family were so tight from the father to father, mother to mother, eldest son to eldest son, middle child to middle child (me and jee) and finally ponnu to ponnu. we grew up together fight playing caring and loving until one day the connection just hung on father to father only. we found it late about someone trespass our minds dirtying  with poison of loathe. but by the time this happen we lost one precious gem from our minds crown.

We all grew up together sharing unbreakable friendship and sibling-hood. While both Ponnu's grew up building an invisible link just like twin born. Me and jee at the same time were even called twins for having being resembling alike somewhere. time passed and one day the girl ponnu started to feel unease finding her sister getting closer more to me than her. her sore mind was known to us but we took it as a childs things. it reached to that extend that she even told me on my face that i am stealing her sister. Life went on as planned by the almighty and it favoured her, that the plan took me far away from her loving sister and it was then only they both. God gave more reasons to be worried about and i hardly realize that this happened.

When i get back to my native after years, all i found was a beautiful women formed from an introvert, down, annoyed, irritated girl. She had that all grace which could blaze any lovers heart on fire. Boys run mad behind her. she dumped a few and a very few dumped her, she was miserably racing to find the perfection of the prince-charming in her dreams..but never found anyone covering the completion. There was none to make her know that no one takes birth as a complete person, its their lives experiences and the situations they lived makes them or mould them. Every human possess that ability to bend in to any shape but it always require a powerful sculpturers hand. When someone loves someone deeply, each of the lovers gain a hold in each others mind, body and soul.. they becomes an instrument of affection and care that they works on the partners way when winded correctly. Love is ultimately not finding a perfect person but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly. she failed to realize this fact and tried forsaking her whole to fed her  fantasy.

after my marriage, a sand wind cracked the two families and literally we all broke up except the fathers. we never spoke to each other, we never met each other, infact we ran away from each other, somewhere we tried not to collide at the centre of the crossroads..but all i knew from then to now is that for a very long time i continuously dreamed of jee and patching up with them..i dreamed of the two sisters, the two i ever considered as my elder one and my younger one..i could never imagine this that we are out from two different wombs. finally after a very long time, being the food of another disaster made me forget them and carry on with what life gives me day to day or time to time. My life gave a big price to help me escape from the dreams that made me weep every single morning. The abortion..!!

Ponnu matured on top of her skin to be a bold, outspoken, strong, eligible women. she was the only girl born in that family who had that courage to sleep alone in our old house which had been now taken over by their father. her fantasy can be seen solid in her room.. it was decorated with a violin on the wall, a big teddy bear and a handful of soft toys on her dressing table an oval mirror, a pinky bedside foot mat and a white cloud like filigree bed net cascading from the roof till the floor making it look imperial..it looks like a perfectly ordered princess room..curtains and wardrobes and a big line of footwear's..what didn't she had? i question me. i have always seen her to be a perfect piece of gods art..

apart from other times of my life after marriage, these days i kept myself busy with the works i had. My self respect grew high watching myself skipping my food and TV shows . i was back to that state of excellence.  dedication, Corresponding, talking, writing, thinking, calculating and so on. I was temporarily unavailable for my friends and family, i was busy planting the seeds to grow up and fruit money. It was then i got one of my sisters call, whom i wanted to call and check about herself and her long-waited baby. I gladly picked up the receiver and squeezed it in between my left shoulder and cheek so that i can free my hands to work on my laptop. She sounded cheerless and then she shocked me with this. saying "ponnu is gone. she committed suicide."

for a moment i was a cut out from every systems that kept me alive. my breath held, heart stopped and the receiver fell down..my hands shivered like a arthritic patient. My mind went back hundreds of days back..rushing like i am falling from the sky. weightless and powerless..wind blowing my skin a back..pictures of different occasions flipped through, i heard laughters and fights and yells. I couldn't believe that the moment was real, or what i heard was true. i bend down and picked the phone to hear her utter my name in distress. i couldnt say a word but mumbled something and then i realized that i am screaming..

as every time, i tried convincing my mind saying, i didn't get any call, it was a dream and nothing happened. everything was the same as before. i kept lying to myself in disbelief. My mobile ringed, and after more than 1 and a half years, i find this name appeared on the screen "Jean Blr". we broke up for no reason but we patched up paying a fortune. that wasn't necessary. it got our ponnus lifes value.. i didn't want it giving her whole self. for some reasons, i was not surprised to see her calling me. i picked up and my concious mind returned to screeching, yelling and shouting and crying and weeping. how would i console her? what will i tell her? "its ok?"..i listened to her and she listened to mine. both f our minds wandered with a WHY?

On hearing this news, he was out of his office to home. he knows the depth of me emotionally, mentally and physically. i become just a translucent  layer of something through the years and i cant hide anything within me..no room for hidden files..i felt so blessed to have him and sorry to him for threatening him of dying for silly matters and promised him, i will never ever say that word again. i can imagine how much that might have hurt him to hear it in my voice..when i now know how much i feel lost and wounded to have this news of my little sister passing away. i kept searching every corners of my memory for what could be the reason for her to forsake her life, i failed miserably to find an answer. it was all complete when it comes to her. i always though that being her would be the most luckiest thing to happen in someone's life. she was blessed with everything a girl of her age desire about. I could make up my mind with just this, she died out of luxury. I would say only this..a loving brother..father..sister..mother.. her every wishes were always fulfilled..

I praised her courage at once and then i corrected. to live is the most difficult thing. death is as simple as swallowing a few pills. but to live is to sacrifice many things, undergo different pains, having mental and physical tensions, taking responsibility, bearing children, building a family. people go to hospitals to get cure from incurable diseases like AIDS, cancer and lot many ailments, why? they wanna live, they dont even seek a normal life, they just wanna be on the earth, alive no matter bedridden, or with external support, they just wanna take breath. many are there wishing to live for another day or month or a year. Life is short and precious. one day we all will die. we will see people vanishing from our lives. which i will say is one among the most difficulties to face in LIFE. losing the near and dears forever, we watch them smile, cry, play, love and care and one day all ceased in the air conditioned glass-box.

We are all born to die. then why dont we build that courage and be strong to face everything life presents us? Everyone does it, have done it and will continue doing it. Pushing oneself to death is just a running away from life. Its only complete, when we devour everything life has kept for us. It is the purpose of taking birth in this vast universe. To grown in the darkness of the womb, experiencing the first breath, to get breast-fed, to play, to learn,to make friends, to fall in love, to give commitments, to acquire great heights, to travel the world, to have pleasure in sex, to break up relationships, to lie at times, to devote, to marry, to become parents, to watch them grow, to raise the children, to become parent-in-laws, to become grand parents and great grand parents to spoil the children, to teach the lifes experiences, to guide them, to encounter everything that possibly comes your way, good bad, sweet sore, negative positive, sad and happy and then retire to rewind it, to cherish and prepare to go to the grave with that toothless wide smile of satisfaction. This is called a complete Life. This is for what one is on this planet. For this is why a mother press her pain down the navel to bring you into this beautiful world. her pain must not go in vein. show her yourself living in joy. Thats the one best things a child can give to their living goddess, your guardian angel on earth, The Mother..!!

After a long pensive journey, we reached there after the stars glow, its winter, and the sky is as clear as a dark azure blanket dotted with white. the moon was glowing like a round silver plate. it was all silent and my sight broke it. a sudden cry of grief echoed the whole place. a few aunts, my mother and jee were out to receive the falling me..i was placed on the chair and jee came to console me holding her breath..she hasnt changed a bit, some grains in my brain couldn't leave it unobserved. the night was passed unslept trying to find out a clue for this action of hers in our minds and then projected it to her room where things remained in the same order, how she left it. Her few things were in the custody of police, like camera, two mobile phones and her laptop. We being the sisters were asked to keep some of her cloths ready to dress her while bringing her home from the hospital. We choose her favourite purple dress, the one which she wore on my wedding and the accessories she used to ornate herself, her bangles, earrings, neck lace, bindhi and her favourite perfume. For so long, since i got married, we started planing for hers, we thought of what kinda cloths to get her for the engagement, pre-night party, the jewellery, the best make-ups and a lot many things. we even decided to cloth ourselves in our wedding dress on her great day..but..ultimately the plans are not ours..its all confirmed and sealed by the one above, moving the strings..

We watched the dawn, the sunrise, and then people started accumulating, relatives, friends, neighbours, colleagues. every visitor to her mothers room caused louder screams. which made it unbearable to control the pain thats pulsating at the centre of the chest. every eyes looked sore and swollen. her mothers tears rolled down enough to wash the whole face to neck to the narrows of her breasts that was once sucked by her last child in hunger and thirst whos no more now.

the sound of the ambulance banged my head, everyone was expecting to see her for the one last time. in the crowed there would have been, heart-broken young guys, her enemies, her friends and mates. everyone gathered nearing the hall way where her body was brought. me and jee for once refused to see her, we wanted to have that smiling, moving, lively face of her in our memory to remember her forever. But we were asked to go and see her or let her watch us bursting out our everything for losing her. Watching our baby on the floor all dressed up, still like a stone, eyes half closed and grey lips partially open was the most torturous sight we ever had n our life..she was just a flower bloomed, she had many more days to cheer but she took herself to a journey on her own, alone..i felt my whole body throbbing in disbelief, she was frozen in the mortuary for a whole day, couldn't imagine how they cut through the different parts of her mushy body. I watched her blink-less for the last time, our kiddo, shes gone and this is the last time we would ever see her, even though, she looked so different- life less. She was our pampered little doll. Her wrinkled-nose smile, which many times made me felt like shes not only smiling with her lips but her happiness glowed and flowed through her beautiful brown eyes. Her silk like hair, her jingling talk, we are gonna miss it all till the end of our lives.

For the last time, having her in front of us, made me feel like i was having a bad dream and hoped someone to interrupt me and wake me up. but the roars of grief draw me back and made me realize it is reality. Someone shouted that the corpse cant be kept for so long and they want to take her to the beach where hindu funeral activities were done. this made me feel dizzy, i tried my best to take in as much of air as i can or i will faint, my nose was blocked, my eyes were blurred, my hands raised itself to touch her for head and bless her for the last time, the blessing i kept to present her on her marriage. I placed my hand on her and it was just like cold concrete, as cold as an ice box, numb and unmovable, lifeless and solid..all i could do finally for her was to drop a kiss on her forehead, i placed a red rose on her hands shivering and trembling and kissed her skin slowly, it made the skin on my lips numb too..i looked at her for the last one time and turned to the room where we were waiting her final arrival..the cries become louder and sharp that pierced my heart from front to back.

The siren rang again, we heard the sound of the engine of the ambulance start, it was her last travel on the earth, we heard the doors shunt closed and then it moved..Saying bye to even a stranger is sometimes difficult then how can we say bye forever to someone our own? the cries reached the highest heights made the room quiver like earth quake..the yowl turned in to shouts, the shouts in to cries, the cries in to weeps and the weeps in to sobs, by then the tears were all done producing. the most difficult part is this, to watch someone cry tearless..

Life is not something to throw into the garbage. its worthy. love yourselves, live to the fullest and never die with regrets cause human brain is still not convinced about finding whats after DEATH. its a question still unanswered. No one knows what happens, and those who knows never explained..

Winter Wind- The Melancholy

Winter wind, winds around loud

We were two and then came the third

Life was a lily, swayed in love

Blushed was we with the mighty tie

The greens of the grass and the reds of the roses

The touch of the butterflies and the buzz of the bumble bees

Filled our heart and stroke our ears

Like a balloon in the air and the lullaby to sleep

We curled down tight under, one hot blanket

Mumbled and laughed like the nocturnal birds

Ate and bath and roamed together

Cried and fought and frown to eachother

Days had gone so long along

The breeze swept us three to long afar

The chill made the walls strong and tough

Soon there was no, gap to touch

Someone turned and see none followed

Someone stopped and waited till dawn

Someone went on furious and haste,

Until there was no way to run

The lush of the green fade

The red of the rose grayed

The heart poor smothered

For a way to break

The hurdle of the shield

And the silence of the head

Lives are intended and none can control

All we do is to get away in the road

No tears and no sweats

No compassion and no pleasure

Row your boat and stop when you drop

Row it again to the horizon incessant

Until one day you are set free

From the raiment of flesh and the vast of the reminiscence

And then the winter is unessential
To keep your soul chilled and make you feel light..

And our KK2 's ARRIVVVEEEDDDDD..!!

So glad and happy with tears uncontrollably flowing from my eyes with billion arrows of happiness shooting my heart, i am announcing the arrival of our much awaited KK2 safely in to our colourful, lovely world...our own paradise..IK4..@ 12:45hrs today..

I dont have any more words to write..but all prayers were with her and will continue to have it till never-ending-time..We all have just a lot of, a very huge lot of love to shower upon her and..here our KK1 got her sister.. :) :) we will live our whole life watching them love n care each other..and hope more of the juniors would join them and these seniors rule them like "Hitler DhiDhi's"

God bless our babys and moms and moms to be's.. :P :P :P

I feel like i had fallen in to a fountain of chocolate.. feeling blessed and sweet..

hAppY bIRtHDaY pReGGy.. :)

We wish tons of happiness, love and care while you welcome our KK2 this year..a very happy birthday to you + 1/2 and may god show all the blessings upon you three...!!

Life & Death

I brought more than the normal level of excitement this time, while i travel to my native for Onam. The festival which had kept the half of the culture going through these years. Though the clarity of the exact togetherness has faded year after year, i felt it fine as every occasions were fairly followed particularly in this house/family. I am and will be always grateful to the god for bringing me here. But things didnt went the way i expected. Well no fault, nothing is ought to happen in the manner i wish it. Cultures being amended, lives being disrupted. i must admit that its really hurting some part of me. Things are changed, rules are violated and so on.

One thing that i am glad for was to have the news of a girl being born to this family after 24 years, and another 2 girls having half bloods of this ancestry. a  triplet birth of womanhood. birth and death still remains a mystery. but the way people receives the both never change.. what is it? how does it happen? i dont know. But a news of a new born multiples the cheer while death always grieves, no matter known or unknown, friend or enemy.

I am not sure about the billions of people in this world but atleast for me its like this.. a death news never made my face gleam rather takes away the last single laugh that remain in me. i was happy for my sister being able to deliver a baby girl without any major complication..but today having getting a morning call informing a women's death really killed my pleasantness that i carried till this day. It was my mother in laws sister and my fathers aunt..the network of relationships are very critical to explain in a few words so i am just leaving it here to be explained later. After a big round of household chores we planned to leave to that place, where i had gone a million times before and have blown up by that round face ladys one great smile which always revealed her long crows feet on the sides of her kohled eyes..her ruby nose stud always glittered, making her whole face shimmer like the rising sun. Our vacation visits to this place in our childhood are still remembered. when my little brother refused to go out for him to use his complete holidays on playing games, i convinced him to buy stuffs that he liked the most using my pocket moneys dripped into  my secret  piggy bank.

The drive to see her for the last time made me glance through the dying pages kept asafe in my mind..it had grayed like my nani..this was the place i grew up, Thalassery. The place that always carried the fragrance of a different kind of love. the place where we always loved to roam around..the color of that place itself seemed sepia. This place once did heat my teen blood. The wide range of Muslim handsomes found all around always attracted young women to this place. Their just-in fashion and suruma lined eyes and sharp arabic faces..how did they get these features, while the others are also born n grew up eating the same things as them..this always made me wonder.. they are different.. they did looked like the people in the iranian paintings. My research then answered me.. there was an era when arabs visited these tiny land cuts on the malabar coast. women were produced before them and the cloak worn men seeded their semen whereever they were invited.. women took pride in announcing the fatherhood of great Arabs travelled crossing seven seas.. The children grow up not knowing the person who is responsible for their birth.. but always resembled their unknown father, they carried that red skin, smooth hair, sharp face, revealing jawline, green eyes and dark joined  eyebrows.. while the women longed for the arrival of prince-charming who present a gift in her womb and never returned. some women were remarried.. some died in obsession and shame..

During Eid, tely always creates a feast for the eyes, the head covered, butter-figured women walks all ways getting their special dresses and other things to wear on the day they break their 41 days fasting.. this fasting makes them gleam even better.. i still couldnt find out how every muslim girl in there grow up to be a beauty-queen. they definitely keep some secrets i doubt. We took these occasions for our rounds of stalking guys. I bet you, you will all get blown by their karizma..too hot..too sexy and too gorgeous.. may be not all but almost all.. teenage really is a crazy period.. and all the best things happens in this time.. i neighbours always invited us for their daily-fast-breaking-feasts, our hearts bounced and wished if the long ray of grand parents, father mother, uncle aunts and other elders to give permission.. even if a few permits, the rest would crap it saying this and that.. but some guy would always come home to deliver a vessel full of delicacies.. and we all makes it an athletic race to reach the one standing at the door first..

We crossed many roads and almost everywhere i could still see the flags bleeding the blood of communism blowing in the air..passing a number of huge dombed mosques and the "Bang" from different directions made it feel like heaven..pigeons fluttered up when our vehicle interrupt their laziness..white capped men in gowns with beard were found in every corners..we passed hotels fragranting the malabari biriyanis..my mouth filled remembering the many times it having the melting taste of it..the masala..the tende jucy chiken..and the gracious amount of nuts and spices in it..yummm..!! this could be the only food heaven in this whole world..i confessed to myself.. The one thing about a muslim is, whatever they do they are true to themselves..they are the ones who have the glory of rich culture but at some point they forsake it in the name of madness..their fasting..their dressing..their way of charity..their fulsome mind of never ending helpfulness and their real love to the people they care..they are the only ones who remain the same from the day one you know them to thereafter..i pray got to punish the ones who use their chastity to the core and misguide and mislead them.. I bow my head to Malabars authenticity and aristocracy..many the hands of modernity dont kill it..

Our vehicle stopped at the point where the whole way was packed by people who reached from various places..amma got down in a hurry and squeezed through the crowed, i waited a few seconds to take my way before i could reach any further a loud mourn in unison broke out, in which i couldn't make separate my mothers..that could be of  her mothers, aunts, sisters, daughters, daughter-in-laws and grand daughters..who would grieve so loud than them..

We were tiny, nurtured n we grew up, matured, now we are absolute perfect women. till never stays still and soon we will find grays. if we are lucky enough life will collide our paths again else we would die not seeing each other until then..Death is the one great friend and one obsessed lover waiting for us at the full stop of our lives, imagine its pain, it would be same as we had during many times of disappointed lover crushes..while a teenager or while a matuager..the one that stands still for us from our start to the end is Death..so dont fear it..dont welcome it either coz its its duty to wait patiently until the right time comes..