Yet Another December

Dear All...

Its been long time i have written something..to be precise after marriage i have visited the blog only twice..feeling so sad ..Everything around me has changed a lot. I feel so sorry ...i couldnt even read the wonderful blogs written by Achu.

miss you all ..

December is always special for ik4 i believe..its a month of memories, feel like a loser...The whole year is different for me...entered in to new life for which my family has been awaiting for years...even my dear ik4 were awaiting the same.

The year was full of mixed emotions.the days are moving so fast that wen it come to december i feel very sad...we have completed one more year in our life...

Wish we all gather together at Bangalore..and the dream that Achu saw come true...

Hope GOD will help us ...

and 29th the day which is always special for us and now our dearest Achu is getting married on 29th..Jan 29th...so happy for her..as we believe everything happens for a reason..wen we thought of 29th, we never thought one among us is going to have the most important thing in her life on the same date.strange!!!

miss those days wen we were together..wen we will have that good time together..hope for the best alle...As the destiny meant to bring us together earlier, hope that will happen again...


Love u all....miss you all....

:):)

a reality show in reality.. :)

Reality shows are ruling the tv channels now a days..

it may be singing dancing comedy shows or etc etc.. offering the glittering prizes which attracts the whole world and they filter from a million of applicants to choose the final contestants, each one with the only hope in their mind,heart and soul to get on the first place and grab the prize.. segment by segment the number of contestants gets eliminated taking home their worth less efforts and lost time. While another group who are smart, steal the minds of the viewers and judges with their attitude or looks earn the lowest ability scores and highest votes reaches the finals and one among them wins!!

now thats it about the television thing.. in reality we, Indian women are suppose to confront sucha reality show a double-dezon times sometimes.. the luckiest ones win their prices in the first few shows while some others have to face one after another until they gets theirs and some even hits century having participating every weekends soon after they are 18 years old.. :-)

the comedy in here is that i have been practicing for the great reality show of my life since 2009 even before the subjected program was planned by the channel(the boys family) and discussed with the add companies (the relatives).. Now in 2011 finally they had published the dates and my goodness there is no audition to get in the show.. cause the only participant is "me".. If they are not convinced with this show they will plan another one very easily (everyone craves for self-benefits in every area where they spent fuel and time).. So here i goes well behaving to the relatives with the glossy praises and a clown face so as to make them "vote" for me.. the prize (the boy)just have to polish his appearance with good outfits, shoes, hair, face and every bit of him to appeal "handsome" to every one on my side which must make them feel "yes the effort for the show really worth it".. none of the parents in the world would encourage their children to participate in a competition to win "mud-cakes"..

NOTE: this is just the introduction of the show. requesting everyone to be with me encouraging with all the prayers and good lucks to help me win.. to pass this quest i need your "votes" so please vote for me to 5353 and the format is *MM < space > A-K-S-H-A-Y-A. Thank you!!


*MM- My Marriage ;) he he he

At this moment

At this moment.. i am so sad and i fought back my tears but a few drops defeated me and washed down my kohl which stained an ash color circle on the shoulder of my dupatta..

the only one who can understand oneself is themselves.. thats it.. what ever you do to make someone understand or to convince will remain as some useless scarps..

At this moment.. i want to run away from "this moment"
i want to be mad.. i want to die.. cause at this moment.. i am all alone.. there is no one who is willing to listen to me.. there is no place on this big earth where i can settle down my burdens off my shoulder..

its a pathetic condition.. really..

i want some of my dear ones to call me.. but the same me dont want to talk to anyone..

faces of my father and mother.. it really bothers me.. it always does.. when ever i am atop a building to jump off or with a blade to cut my wrist or with some tablets to swallow in.. anything to welcome death.. those two faces troubles me.. those two faces who brought me to life.. still brings me back to survive.. no one would love me as unconditionally as they do..

i love you mom and dad..

hope WE will meet AGAIN!!

hope we will meet again.. take care!!

i never go that much inside the above clause as i did today..
Life is a vast ocean.. and we are the particles of a wretched ships.. we will be nailed together until its crushed by a giant wave..a turnover in life..

i was totally relived after shifting myself to the new hostel..i set my camp-cot with the bed and pillow provided by the hostel authority..i unfold the bedspread and put the pillow cover..stuffed my luggage's under the cot and took bath.. relax!! its been exactly a month i slept peacefully.. the previous one was located next to a cemetery and we could also see the railway lines through the window.. either of it spoiled my sleep everyday.. the new place was neat.. an old house. the front portion of the house was renovated but the rooms had all the charm of olden times.. the windows and the roof were wooden.. in the initial days there was just me n another lady called mini.. as she had a strange looks i always kept a distance from here even then its was we together who went all the 3 times of the day to take food.. after a gap of 3 days another girl came in.. the room was so spacious so we least bothered about the space we have to share with the new one.. when i cam back from office i found the new girl.. a short one with curly hairs.. unusually i started talking to her.. asking about her whereabouts her studies and purpose.. i was a stranger to myself for being that kind whom i used to admire.. the ones who would ask me with no hesitation.. the kind of girls i met in the previous hostels.. neethu answered me with necessary politeness.. with the way she talked keeping a wall of cautiousness i understood that she was another angle will a burden of problems.. she looked bold which i thought wasn't suitable for her looks as well as age.. life is this some unlucky ones have to be bold like her.. in a few days she earned the love of everyone around her.. she may be a bad console-r but was a good listener and a good distract-er.. she kept us entertained with her experiences.. and we learned that she was a small soldier who was fighting hard with her own faith.. i saw a long lost me in her.. she was 18 and was searching for a job to support her family as i did.. we sooner became so much closer.. the plus point of her is that she never try to dig in to my personal issues so i.. we will just pull over the time doing this or that.. listen to Fm.. make fun of the aunt.. a bit gossiping about mini.. laughing at jokes we throw to each other turn by turn..

on those days when i come back form office with dropped shoulders she would do some tricks to make me jump out of my bed and run aback her.. and when ever she was down i always takes her on my back which in my native calls "taking salt sacks".. and i would walk all the way through the guestroom, the hall way, the kitchen and back to her bed on my back.. she never weighed more than a 25kg for me.. she share her days things with me as i did the same.. i was lite as a wafer when she was around.. on some days when shes desperate having fighting with her boyfriend/ siblings/parents she would sent an sms to me asking if it will be possible for me to get down from the office early.. since i don't want her to feel bad i would try ma best and winds up my work early and we wud take a walk upto the marine drive.. some times we walks silently.. some other times we opened up about the things which disturbed us at that moment.. i learned that- the greatest pain ever discovered is to keep a secret.. if we could ever spit it out to at least one human we ill be happy like an emperor!!

i remember how she rolled inside he blanket when i made faces and scared here.. i remember how she holded my hand when ever we were frightened.. i remember how we steal those friend fishes and chicken livers aunt hid behind the tins of serials/pulses rack in the kitchen..

i remember the day we acted as CBI officers to find out the things about our warden.. there wasn't anything i guess ...but one day we heard the creeping sound of the backdoor which comes only once when someone tried to open it.. we doubted if the aunt had an affair with someone and shes opening it for him.. :-) on some days she used to shout at us ordering us to switch off the lights.. and after 10 we weren't allowed to go to the kitchen.. this made us suspect her more.. anyways we just dumped the matter later..

after some days 2 more girls came in addition.. but they never could tear the bubble and get inside our world.. for us they were some outsiders.. on some days when we feel badly hungry we would stay awake and wait fro the girls to sleep and by midnight we would open up the eatables kit without making any noise and eat under the blankets.. some times the munching sound will some out of my mouth and she would beat me as if shes my mother and i am her child..

i forgot to add.. as she is a small thing i started to call her "peekiri" which has the same meaning.. a small kind.. it really suited her- the mischievous one.. after some months we all had a fight with the hostel people for their greediness and our paths parted.. she went back to her home place and i shifted to some other hostel.. she was a drug for me.. and her being away made me screwed.. she was someone like u koothars who could take my heart so easily .. i kept trying to bring her back.. and again after some months we met.. made some plans and we started staying together..
After coming back.. she wasn't the old childish "peekiri" a bit more matured may be she had confronted some sore things staying home for a few days.. but gradually the frozen aura that covered her, since she went home started to melt... and then she was again the old peekiri.. she being working as a visa agent became finely involved in her job and brought her own issues everyday when she leaves her office as i used to do in the beginning days.. from our new hostel we have been nick named by our roommates a collection of nurses who are working on their first year training after their graduation in nursing.. they called us "Tom" and "Jerry".. the bigger one The Tom- me and the lil one The Jerry- her.. Tom and Jerry.. they says they watch us with the same wide eyes as they watch those animations on the cartoon network.. we really liked them called us that way!!

when she told me regarding her mother coming back from abroad after 3 years i was so much happy for her.. i spoke to aunt Alice..i shared their happiness.. one day prior to the day of Alice aunty's arrival she left hostel saying shes-going to pick up her mom with her siblings.. i sent her with higher excitement.. i enjoyed the laughter in her eyes.. i have seen the pain of missing the women who gave birth to her in that very same eyes.. and i have known her crying secretly at night.. i never interrupted her while she did it for her mother.. coz Mrs. Alice really deserved it.. the tears of missing from her children.. she said she will be going on 10days leave for which she took permission from her Boss.. 10 days passed, in between i called her many times she calmed me saying she would come this day and that day.. but she never came..

i lost hope in her words.. but i knew she would have some reasons which is keeping her sticked on at her house.. last Friday(08 April 2011) she called me and said she would come on Sunday and vacate the hostel on Monday(12 April 2011).. before she go she needed to talk to me she said.. i agreed a kind of emptiness filled my head for an instance.. i feared whether she would reside in the lot several people who livid in my life and left like the cold storms and never came back or even look back.. i don't want her to be that way.. i pledged to myself that i will keep in touch with her through calls or messages.. coz a 'kind' like that so true from heart and innocent is hard to find.. she really didn't required a hint to read my mind.. she was a real mirror..

i waked up early morning and sweat myself running a bit to get the first train(alleppey) but couldn't catch.. i caught the next one our usual passenger train which sprinkled some spices in to my boiling sadness.. the nostalgia is a weird thing.. i couldn't sleep on the berth so i jumped down and landed me on a window seat and started reading a book.. before i reached Cochin she was there with her all packed baggage.. i felt a twitch just below my chest and i intake 3-4 full breaths.. she seemed too small in her black leggings, yellow kurthi and a black and white check shoes.. i found a glare of sadness in her face too.. i am sure she will miss me too.. she in a rush unburden her mind telling me each and everything happened in her house.. knowing all that i will never be able to cling on her and cry to stay back.. i helped her keep her bag over the berth and had a small chat again.. the last word she said was "when will we see again".. i replied "hope we will meet again soon" i waved and she returned one..

i hate railway stations for this.. it always makes us miss someone..

i turned and walked my way to office.. i took my mobile and typed "really" for the first time to her "i will miss you :(" and she gave me a quick reply in the same second "me toooooo :("


we all are sure about some people for example our parents, spouse relatives and "some" close friends that they will be always there in our life what so ever happens.. IK4 is not a part of me but its myself..we are 4 but i never saw it as 4 pieces but ONE so i never felt losing you all.. i miss our days together.. at times i feels a strong urge to see u all.. but never felt i ever will ve to say the above words to u.. that's were it makes a difference.. after i reached hostel on the 12th evening.. what i found was some chocolates a hair shampoo , a Himalaya moisturizer, a fancy comb and a hair clip .. how sweet shes...she was...

the Silhouette Faces!!

Exactly half a decade now since i landed Cochin.. on a monsoon day..

it was heavily raining while i woke up by the telephone ringing in my bedroom.. literally our room.. i must say like that.. the room which has been shared by myself my younger brother and mom and dad.. :) we being grown up now really regret for being a china wall in between our parents!!

The room was dark as it was blackly clouded outside and i was really having a nice afternoon nap flowing in the lullaby of raindrops crashing on the dry leafs.. the house was amidst the woods.. it was so cold..i was in a crescent shape lying lazily on my bed.. i scolded the caller who ever it was for being disturbing my lovely dreamless nap.. i walked with my eyes closed expecting to fall back after the call..

Till that moment i didn't realize that this call would change my life so much..and would take me to here where i am now.. it was from a person called Benoy who was a job consultant and is a great friend of one of ma uncles in Cochin..

Regardless of other girls in my age.. i was'nt the one who was enjoying the holiday.. but was one who was taking a nap after so many days of tensions about how to get placed in some job..to reap the fruit of my 6 months long hard work to get passed out of the travel and tourism diploma i did..unfortunately.. i wasnt destined to be one who would hung the glory of a big brain.. who would exhibit on the visitors room wall the framed certificate for the great IATA diploma holder!! my result was totally against me.. i blamed myself.. but then made up my mind that.. i have done what i could.. i worked hard but my luck ditched me somewhere..

At that point.. that very moment even failure couldn't defeat me!!
nothing could embarrass my focus.. my decision.. that could really change the life of a 5 member family..the rain was pouring out heavily that i felt some drops penetrated my skin and cooled my hot flesh.. it gave a relief.. i couldn't turn back and look at my mom when i left my old house.. ma father held me tight to him that i could hear our heart beats dhum-dhum louder.. he was soo miserable..!! and we walked away the mud path leaving every thing behind.. the small stream where we used to play catching small fishes to pet them until it dies... :) the mosque which always made us aware of the time.. the small grocery shop to where we used to run a million times a day to buy those local chocolates.. and finally the ruined bus stop!

Dad placed my bag on top of the berth and sat next to me...totally mute..he was so tender that i could read him as easily as an open book.. too fragile.. he got two-three lines under his swollen eyes.. from which i understood that he hardly slept last night and had left his pillow soak in tears.. i was a piece of him.. and he couldn't bear the separation!! the train jerked and roared to move.. he left me in the lady's compartment and hung on the grills of the window..walking in the same slowness as the train.. it was then his voice started to come out.. told me to take care of myself.. and he would come and meet me when ever possible.. and they will call me everyday.. and so on..i touched his soft cheeks and said bye.. the rain washed his face along with his tears.. he waved until my wagon took the deep curve..i love him...

I was numb as a corpse. 6 hours rush so fast that i felt i reached my destination in a blink..

Face 1
I had my uncle Mr. Biju waiting for me at the station.. the person with whom i am not too much in touch.. but the one who helped me with out even a request.. he was a quite man who talks freely only to his mother and wife.. a young reserved guy.. i owe him..

He welcomed me with a wide mouth.. which i felt the depth of it in his eyes.. a real speaking eye.. he took me home in his two wheeler.. in the mean time.. i recorded in my head everything around me on the way.. the traffic was so fussy.. the city was crowded.. people running.. walking.. everyone busy!! so many sky high buildings on work.. and i felt the temperature is quite higher than my place.. the ride was almost empty.. we didn't spoke anything..

We reached a pale green color painted two storied house with lot of flowers hanging and potted everywhere.. i had a love at first sight feeling towards that house trust me.. it was a colony for customs officers and all around were those kind of hi fi people.. and i remembered i never had lived in sucha neighborhood so far..

Face 2
Aunty Indhu: The person who ran with a hug on the spot i put my foot there.. to be honest she looked younger than me.. :) she was the person who had been with me with all support and was a good friend of mine in the days i lived there.. the one who understood that i was bleeding because of the unwanted strictness everyone had towards me.. the one who finally helped me to escape to freedom from at least somewhere.. the one who still calls me and never said a word bad about me.. one who really missed me..

the very next day after reaching Cochin i was taken to Mr. Binoy's consultancy..he scanned me up and down and gave an approving smile to my uncle.. i was really sure about how i looked.. i was confident.. regardless of the little fluffiness.. i was all good for a travel professional.. i visited IDT on a good morning with ma uncle.. at about exactly at 10 i was there in place.. two guys were there and a seat was vacant next to them.. i already counted it as my seat.. i passed the interview with great ease.. they just wanted to check how fast my tongue moved with English..

Face 3
Madhu (Madz)The first guy with whom i felt a trace of crush after reaching Cochin.. the one who was cute, caring, kind and besides owns a beautiful voice.. who sings a lot.. the one who teached me the basics of this industry , who helped me through every hard times while workin in IDT.. who used to bring cakes and things when ever he lands back from dubai.. who still is in touch with me..

i must say it somewhere before i die.. those beginning days of my career was wonderful.. even though i didnt had any friend in here i was happy.. i was enjoying the solitude.. i enjoyed my lonely times at "Kaloor coffeehouse" a simple.. less crowded place..

when i was in my 11th i opened my first email account in rediff.. the year is 2004.. it was a shame in between my mates to not have an email id.. to be a person who dont have a chat friend and one who dont know about the basics of the cyber things was considered as IDIOTS!! so.. i was forced to create one.. the id was "sweetdil@rediffmail.com" (forgot the password and myt ve got expired..)..and i named me a fake one but stylish.. "Niharika Varma".. and also put a nick name for myself as niha.. :) i randomly added friends whom i saw in the kerala chat group..(mostly girls :P)..

Face 4
Alpha (sosha), i would bow to the technology for the treasure i got from rediffbol chat.. the one who many a times comfort me when i was in bad times.. the one with whom i shared my daily things and happening.. who made me felt lite.. who supported me at many times even tough the mistake was from my side.. :) :P..

i had her in ma chat list even before i came to Cochin.. but some irritated first days at work made me log in my chat and share the stupidities of mine which redden the faces of my colleagues sometimes with anger some other times terribly laughing at my blunders!!and god connected us with a single click on the curser.. the mild friendship molded in to a ticker one..

i always thot it was great to share our personal problems with the very strangers.. chat really helped me go happy.. some kind of a tread started to grow in between us and knotted us to an unbreakable relationship.. the reasons y i choose this way is she doesn't know me.. she hadn't seen me.. so she wont understand who i am even if we crossed our paths unknowingly many times..my face was always a cloud for her and she would never be able to criticize or laugh at the mistakes i did and the problems i have..after one year reaching Cochin.. we talked on fon first and later met for her birthday..

after somedays of chating with sosha i got another freind thats chako..

Face 5
Hanish Antony Arthur(chako) initially was alpha's chat friend and later became mine too.. the one who is soo much home sick.. one who had count less ways to resolve problems .. hardworking.. who came up to help me getting new job.. but i never accepted a single one.. who kept on updating me about the openings and things related to the great Travel industry.. whom i haven't still met.. yet consider me and alpha as his best friends..

it was me who put names for three of us.. soshaamma for alpha, chakochen for hanish and maryaamma for me.. :)

the next thing which i cant forget in ma life time is the hostel life i had for almost 1 and 1/2 years.. i got several friends from there.. being my parents away for sucha miles.. traveling every week was impossible.. and just like today.. my life was worst then the beggars after the first week of every month.. :) because of this reasons the hostel became my home, my roommates became my family..and the other room inmates became my neighbors..

it was after almost a 5 months from the joining of work.. another girl got selected as our accountant..

Face 6
Chandana (chandu), who was just a colleague for the first days.. then became my best friend.. the with each day that passed.. became my sister and later on became too possessive that she hated everyone who i cared.. who was there with me in doing the naughtiest of pranks which made my that time life full of laughter..

we joined the hostel together and we seemed like real sisters for the rest of the roomates..we got room form the oldest block of the missionary buildings just next to the st. Francis Xavier church.. 9 of us shared a single long room with wooden flooring and french windows... which is now a dream for me.. the place made me feel like i am not living-being but something in the fairy.. 9 different people from different places with different attitudes doing different things lived peacefully inside that "historic" block.. none of the nuns cared us.. as they thot we are cheap coz that was the cheapest block in there.. :) but i must say.. we were the greatest pranksters in the history of that hostel.. the world was really upside down with the 9 cracky chicks..

on the day we went to check on the rooms before joining.. the entire hostel was deserted since it was a working day and we went bunking the office hours.. the room was empty except a lean girl with silky hair.. who was woken up by the hostel-in-charge.. and was weirdly smiling at the strangers who entered her room without any notice..

thats she..

Face 7
Anitta(ani), no words to write about this girl.. we both are well known for our birthdays mine is on July 28th and hers on July 29th.. it comes in a different way with ani.. just brilliant shes.. highly helpful.. soaks herself in everyone's tears, who can never with stand people she loves to be in trouble.. gracious like an angel!! i must say..

she was very talkative and behaved as if she is the all in all..yes she was.. she was the hostel-leader.. and in a week we both knew everything about each other..

apart from her i got some special characters like cheemu and loose..

Face 8
Cheemu (srilatha), my another room mate tiny as a doll.. and cute as a duckling.. so tender and loving.. who was just opposite to me in size but was like my sayami.. always sticked beside me :) :)

Face 9
Liz Baby (loose), the third one.. the reason why i always remembers is that.. she was our story teller., who was so crazy abt harry potter that each and every lines of every books were by heart to her and she would stay awake the whole night even if you ask her to repeat the stories.. shes just soo good.. and it was so nice of her that she used to allow me to hold her hands while sleeping when ever i felt scared.. :)

i will never forget adv. soumya, elsy teacher, savitha, (ammu, renu, munni, achu)- the NUALS students..who will be advocates by next year.. the bracketed ones are still in contact.. and they never forgets to wish me on my birthday..

after 2years of my job in IDT.. everyone who worked with me in the beginning days left the company.. madhu, sinoj,sethu lakshnmi, chandana, ajimol, brijesh, saritha, archana, jinitha.. then was the turn of new people..

Face 10
George (Gorgeous) i dont know if we both consider each other as friends.. i have never said to anyone that hes ma friend.. just ma colleague.. but i must say it now- here.. YES HE WAS/IS MY FRIEND.. who still keeps helping even after i give dozens of troubles to him.. who was so innocent that many of the people takes advantage of him.. who used to bring what ever things we asked him to buy even though his pocket had a few grains.. and i never had given a thanks to him... here is a big THANKS for you gorgeous!!

Face 11
Sharmil (chammu) another one from IDT.. who knows every secrets of mine.. he he.. the one who kept a certain time of her day just to have a talk with me.. with whom i bunked the office hours and enjoyed crazy useless shopping's and ate a lot of dirty stuffs.. :) who always shared the half portion of her lunch with me which she brought from home .. with whom a few times i had fought.. but that never lasted more than 2 days..

the next segment of my life is my journey... the unforgettable train journeys.. where half a dozen of paths crossed and i got my lovely girls who are around me now!!

being back to staying home was like heaven for me.. i missed my parents and my brothers like anything in the world.. even though taking a shift from the hostel cracked a bit inside me..

travel was something which i least did and really loved.. and here i am with the "season ticket" for an eternity!! the word really fits here "eternity" those days would never die..

Face 12
Reshmi(resh) the extrovert girl..whom i felt like talking in the first days of my train journey..she looked bold..and some what same as me..character wise..out spoken..even without any introduction i made out that shes a "Journalist".. hats off to her will power.. a true friend.. talks uncontrollably without a full stop.. who sometimes behaves like a stupid.. :) but i love you..resh,, u are great!!

Face 13
Seemol (see), another of the just above kind.. the second person i felt to make friends during the travel..whos outfits, though minimal gave me an on the spot idea that she wud be a fashion designer.. who had a life similar to mine.. who is very responsible.. who have the great power to bite any pain so easily as a muffin.. soo caring.. who just have very few number of friends and who treasures me as a jewel and we kootharas, as her very part of life..

Face 14/15/16
Soumya (munnu)/ Anju (pangu)/ Shreepriya (paachu)

i dont have anything to write.. words really cant convey what i feels for u three.. just want u all always.. if there is another life ahead.. in what ever forms.. koothars should be together like this.. FOREVER..!!

4 and a half year old with cochin.. i felt saturated with the same work.. a 1650 days in the same place.. same room ..around same things.. in the same chair.. looking at the same computer.. ran me sick like hell.. i became so much like a nerd.. became lost in thoughts.. so much lazy.. and i developed myself a half obese..

som people area real crazy,, a handsome guy..as i said above.. following an obese girl first with a friendship request then with a proposal and that too on the roads.. how funny..??

Face 17
Fawaz Fardeen, who had irritated me, i dont know how many times on the roads.. following me all the way to my office and later proposed me.. the thing for which i would thank him is for the help he did when i was down during the accident i met with on 23rd Dec 2010.. thanks for recognizing me amidst the stunned crowd who kept their faces in question mark, whether to help or not.. fearing the problems they could face if someone go forward with a case.. thank you..thats for calling out my name.. and for directing the vehicle people to take me to the hospital for firs aid.. tanks a lot..

the fourth and final stage of my life in cochin.. the packing back from home to another hostel life.. was really a pain.. but my purse did hunger for the colored notes.. living a good life is always difficult without money.. this took me back to my old shoes.. and i joined DT (deleted an "I" from the IDT) another tour firm.. well reputed.. a fortune for me..!!

finding a comfortable place to live became a tough task in Cochin and hence i kept on changing the hostels until i got a value for money/ hygienic place.. it was from there i met the another "avatar" huh!!

Face 18
Neethu (peekiri).. the lil pie.. more than a friend..shes ma lil sis.. :) whom i met a year ago from another hostel.. whos tongue is bigger than her itself.. :P the one person who keeps me away from my tensions.. literally speaking.. she was ma radio player.. who makes me wonder with her facial expressions and unwanted spontaneous giggles for nothing.. :) shes just a mad creature.. but i will miss her always..

These are the people who wud always hung on the dash board of my mind.. the people with whom i feels to live again in the way i had.. the people who really had touched my heart with their wand.. who will always remain there cemented until god takes the breath away from me..

i love you all... may be in different ways.. but my big thanks to all of you to play those roles god assigned you all in a very tender way that.. even now while writing this...my stomach crouch with the feeling of...kinda pain of missing u all so hard like anything..

keep in touch...

Take time

Most people are rushing their way through life. They fail to take the time necessary to nurture their relationships, feed their mind, relax their body or get in touch with their soul's desire for freedom and peace.

Life moves relentlessly forward one day at a time, and there is nothing any of us can do to stop it or slow it down.

We are all getting older every day, but we don't have to grow older every day.Taking time to daydream, visit a friend, watch your children grow, or just play in your garden is time well-spent. There is a rush to tomorrow by all of us. We are being prodded into the future by faster computers, shorter delivery times, and a general need to have it, do it, and see it all: NOW!

Take time today for yourself. Take time to breathe in life, all of it: its color, splendor, smells, tastes, and sounds. From the smallest most insignificant event to the things you have taken for granted.

Tomorrow will be here before you know it. Today will be a distant memory before you realize it. We create our futures and memories in the present.

Go through life today, conscious of your surroundings.

Why not take a long weekend walking through nature? There are a lot of lessons that nature can teach us, if we will only carefully observe and listen.

Today is a gift of life. Live it with gratitude and don't let the sun set today without seeing it, embracing it, and enjoying it. Why are you in such a rush anyway? Is it because you:

1. Feel you have to do or have everything now?

2. Believe there isn't enough time for all that is important in life?

3. Are under some psychological pressure (self imposed) to achieve?

4. Are under pressure from some outside source spouse, parent, friend etc.?

You can't have it all, do it all, learn it all, see it all, become it all,teach it all, in one lifetime so why frustrate yourself and those who are in your immediate life circle with this relentless drive for whatever.

Not suggesting "vegetable status" here. Only asking you to evaluate your life philosophy and this need for something - that is missing in your life - and trying to make up for it by an over zealous push for something, anything.

One way to determine where you fit on this do nothing to trying to do everything continuum is to honestly get in touch with your ability to do NOTHING. Just sit or walk and reflect. No agenda, no deadline, just a laid back approach to life once and a while.


Love u all

Everything happens for a reason..

After a long break..lot of things happened in between..every time wen i open the blog, i wish i could write something..but the truth i cannot scrible anything...

As everyone knows, my marriage is fixed yet another turning point..i have heard people saying that the gap b/w engagement n marriage is like a dreamy world..the time wen we enjoy the most..but for me its not like that..For me, iam tensed ..nervous..don't know how to explain the present scenario..Iam afraid to get married...

I wish i could see my parents n bros happy seeing my future life..Anyways as we always believe everything happens for a reason..Let this be justified..

Love u all...

a new EYE!!

to inform every kootharas!!!!

today i started using contact lenses instead of the old black spectacles...

feeling great to have erased the square frame which i kept taking where ever i go.. i never have seen anything with my naked eyes like this before.. i think so..

the frame through which i have seen all the sorrows and bad times of my past.. through which i have seen the worst of humans.. the thing which many a times blurred my vision with the kohl mixed tears of my own eyes.. :(

a change is necessary for everything,, yes that's the fact!!

lemme just dumb with the old spectacle all the bad scenes that flipped in front of me..in the dust bin and close it forever..

m feeling like a new born..really... like m seeing each and everything with the most innocent curiosity.. i can read myself.. its just excellent!!

i wish i really have one.. good eye like all of you...at the same time.. i thank god.. that he didnt leave me with a black world all around me.. even though i am half blind..and can see only things which are very closer..

There still are many in this world who lives always through night who would never be able to differentiate the beauty of sun light and the shining stars..

I am blessed!!

love you god...

Holy Cow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Holy Cow!!!!!!!!!!

what you thot??? I am surprised or something??? then you are wrong..

though it is a catchphrase widely used..this post is based on the real meaning a Holy Cow!! hope u all know it very well..we have seen near the temples..especially in the Tamil Nadu region.. the stylish cows in the world..those ornamented ones..u wud see such only in INDIA nowhere else..

In some places in South India.. its also used as a decoy in houses.. so as to protect the place where it is kept and the people in them from evil eyes..
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getting in to the matter soon,

The truly modern and different setup of the office where i work now is the topic..

i know it is the best i deserve in the world.. i am aware of it..but m totally unaware which factor turned me from a white to a black.. something started to absorbed my confidence and energy with each day i passed here.. and today i am just the fritters of myself.. i m just an hollow inside me..

i must confess one thing that this is the one place i have ever seen soo much of ideas and creativeness put together in sucha way that every eyes would startle at first before they are completely inside.. even a pen holder here is something unique.. i admire the brains behind this effort..

and where ever i go i will be an exception.. if not always..mostly..

they have placed the caricatures of every staffs just above their heads on the wall.. it looks so different.. so funny.. that i never found any of the visitor left without a comment on it.. the exception of me here is that.. instead of a caricature of mine.. the thing which has been hung above me is a head of an ornamented HOLY COW!! :)how ridiculous??

i never felt anything while people used to make fun of me.. saying.. "akshaya u looks great in your caricature.." and i gives them a loud laugh to not disappoint them.. :)

gradually i got used to everyone's silly comments and i accepted it as my own image.. :).. it was then after some days i happen to hear the song from the movie "akale".. which has been made from the American classic play "The Glass Menagerie"

a story about an handicapped gal "Laura"..who loved collecting crystal statues.. who was so introvert.. who lived in her own world.. who always kept a secret space in her head for herself.. too shy.. For her, the real world was just an illusion. The private world in which she lives is populated by glass animals—objects that, like Laura’s inner life, are incredibly fanciful and dangerously delicate.

[“She is like a piece of her own glass collection, too exquisitely fragile…”]

[One day her irresponsible brother Tom brings home his Friend Jim for dinner who schooled with Laura and Tom years ago. she gets too shy and nervous that she became an alien in her own house seeing Jim with whom she had a crush during her schooldays..she was petrified to see him again.. but for her disappointment he shows no trace of remembrance..

During dinner, Laura – faint with shyness and anxiety – spends most of the time on the sofa, away from the others.The lights suddenly go out!!By candlelight Jim gently approaches the timid Laura. Gradually, she begins to open up to him. He is delighted to learn that they went to school together. He even recollects the nickname he gave to her: “Blue Rose.”

after so many dark days she started disclosing her mind to someone alive.. Jim encourages her to be more self-confident. he took her hand and started to dance with her. it was a first time in her life some one offers her a chance to dance being crippled legged.. Unfortunately, Jim bumps a table, knocking over a glass unicorn figurine. The horn breaks, making the figurine just like the rest of the horses. Surprisingly, Laura is able to laugh about the situation. She clearly likes Jim. and he declares:

"Somebody needs to build your confidence up and make you proud instead of shy and turning away and—blushing—Somebody ought to—ought to—kiss you, Laura!"

and he kissed!! ]

her frozen complexes melts with the movements of their lips.. as a dream world creature it was too easy for her to slip in to foreseeing about a life with Jim.. a world for just both of them..

Yet, a moment after the kiss, Jim backs away and bends himself after her asking for forgiveness saying he was already engaged to another gal called Betty..

When he explains that he will not be back to visit again, Laura bravely smiles. She offers him the broken figurine .. the horn less unicorn..as a souvenir.

she was broken.. like her unicorn.. so her horn too disappeared..in a hand she gets out of her private world..she learns to fight and live in the reality..

the incident makes Tom regret on how he hurt his dear sister.. he regrets for bringing her to worst of the situation than before which made him leave his house and run away.. he escaped....... but his dear sister Laura was always on his mind......

The final lines by TOM:

" Oh, Laura, Laura, I tried to leave you behind me, but I am more faithful than I intended to be! I reach for a cigarette, I cross the street, I run into the movies or a bar, I buy a drink, I speak to the nearest stranger—anything that can blow your candles out! For nowadays the world is lit by lightning! Blow out your candles, Laura – and so good-bye… "

This is Lauras story.. she was a beautiful unicorn with a single horn.. but i am here a holy cow!! with two sharp big horns.. :) not so breakable as crystals..

dont know when it started growing out of my scalp.. but it really ruined my SELF.. i am some one else.. i cant speak loudly when i am here.. i cant even look at anyone with a straight head.. they have buried me somewhere and i am just a living dead..

JUMP JUMP JUMP...d tHiRd one is UP.. he he.. Munusyyy!!!!

After a gap of one year and 05 months our next bird is fluttering her wings to fly away.. from her years long web of family, relatives, friends and others to a new place.. strange!! As far as we Indians are concerned its a womens new birth.. she must leave aback her till that day things.. her belongings her thoughts her everything even parents.. how difficult..??

it is even absurd that one have to change her shape size looks outfits and even attitude as per the wish of her man.. it really sounds rude but we have to go through!! to take life smoother as a skate.. a women is the axis of life.. it depends on her how a family is gona get in heights.. what ever happens the blame shoots to her always.. so beware!!!! be alert and don't at least blink.. coz the darkness of that second can remain forever... don't worry munnu... m not scaring u.. this is gonna happen /happened for everyone..
i used to wonder why every chicks spoils her fortune worth make up, weeping out over her parents and relatives and even pets while they steps out of her house with the groom..now i learned this is what which makes us frustrated..we are going to sit on top of a pin chair... :)..never expect comfort.. just confront what ever goes on your way... :)..

thats all.. this is reminder to the married ones and an advise to the goin to marry ones.. an advise to myself... :) how disgusting!!

stay tune.. picture abi abi baki hai mere dost... :)

AOL... a different art of Living..

i was wishing from a years time that i must experience something spiritual.. like while.. my body.. gains weight.. i needed my soul to nourish too.. i planned to go to the Shri Aurobindo Ashram in pondi.. but which was left merely as a dream.. i had some of my friend who was ready to accompany me.. but i couldnt make it out.. now.. that am completely running insane.. my positive side of brain compelled me to take a new year resolution that i will do something for the god in me..

it was all a voice.. which i really didnt hear,, .. but my soul was excited.. one fine morning soon when i opened my eyes.. the thought of AOL came in to my mind.. i can say louder any where to anybody.. that i am not motivated by anyone in the world but myself. on the 31st of December i called their office.. on the 03rd of Jan i joined them.. and yesterday they called me up and asked me to go there.. i left office at 6 evening and reached there..

to my surprise i found bunches of young guys and gals.. interacting to each other,, like i have never seen in my life.. everyone was so much lite at heart.. not even a glare of upset in them.. full of confidence.. i could see in their eyes.. an all clear mind..

on the very moment when my foot touched the floor of that hall.. they all called me by my name.. akshaya welcome.. i was surprised that they all knows me ven with out seeing me and was awaiting me.. i was asked to be seated in between them.. for a while stopped conversation was started again.. and one by one.. asked me what i am doing and all.. i noticed a guy bending before another guy with a long hair.. both looked young.. the long haired guy placed his hand tight on the other guys head..as if he was giving blessing..i asked the girl just next to me what that is .. n she told.. nothing but giving blessing.. giving the happy elements to the guy bended down.. things are really strange.. then i saw the guys in the group started to go in side another room one by one..

and when my turn was up with out my knowledge everyone loudly announced akshayaaaa..

i went inside with shivering hands and sweating foot..i found two chairs just on the middle of the hall. one occupied with a guy, who introduced himself as Ashwin and started to talk to me casually.. asked me how i came to know about this.. and what made me think about going spiritual..he added in between.. that i must answer anything which hits my mind on the time.. :) and the same way i answered everything.. i came out as cool as the climate.. it was the first time.. i think i have spoken so openly to a stranger.. trust me.. but ther was some kind of power inside that place.. i talked to the another gal whom i met on the day when i came to join. her name is Nisha.. she was also a tour consultant.. left her job and came to work for AOL now.. shes happy.. she says.. :) because shes enjoying what shes doin..

i was again seated in the old circle of talking people.. i heard them passing comments making fun of each other.. beating kicking.. :) i m really not in to this kind pranks.. in ma life.. but there i found complete equality..

The another thing i noted there is the way they were wishing each one saying " JAI GURU DEV" .. :).. i found a thing common on every one.. utmost devotion to their guru.. they all looked as pure and lite as a bubble..

some time later i heard something strange from some one in the corner praising a girl who looked weak for her strength.. it sounded like some kind of power healing.. and they do practice the same.. which i really want to experience.. the act of pumping positive atoms from a strong human to a weak human.. i really want to measure my strength.. i m completely unaware about how my inner self would be fed going for AOL.. but sure it will make a good difference..
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THOUGHTS OF GURU DEV

Breath

* Breath is the link between your body and your spirit and your mind



Love

* Love is not an emotion, it is your very existence.
* Here are the signs of love. When you love someone, you see nothing wrong with them.
* When you love someone, you want to see them always happy and you want them to have the best.
* Love is the highest strength, yet it makes you absolutely weak
* Love cannot tolerate distance, and hatred cannot tolerate nearness.
* You can experience love, but you cannot describe it or express it totally.
* Love is beyond sight, touch, smell, taste, and sound.
* When there is Love, there is no ego; ego dissolves like the dew drops with the sun.
* In the company of one who is living Love, you also cant but spring into that Love.
* Love is that phenomenon of dissolving, disappearing, merging, becoming one with.
* Love is that phenomenon of total letting go.
* The seers, the seen, and the process of seeing all merge. The knowledge, the knower, and the known, they all merge, become one & that is Divine Love.

Anger

* In ignorance anger is cheap and a smile is costly
* Make your smile cheaper and you anger expensive.
* The anger of the enlightened is a blessing




Silence

* Silence is the goal of all answers. If an answer does not silence the mind, it is no answer
* Only Silence is complete
* Smiling with all the existence is Silence
* Purpose of words is to create silence.


GOD

* When you know you own God you will not be in a hurry to get something out of God.
* When you have infinite patience, you will realize God belongs to you.
* God does not test you because he knows you completely - your past, present and future
* God is calling you every moment.
* God is the Seer himself. Who sees---that is God
* God is love. Being in love is sharing that love.
* This entire universe is made up of God. There is nothing outside God.
* God is responsibility, total responsibility.


Knowledge

* Be a Gopal. Be a friend in knowledge
* Be a friend in knowledge. Uplift each other in knowledge
* Knowledge is a burden if it does not set you free.
* Knowledge keeps everything fresh.
* In science you have knowledge first, and then faith follows. In spirituality, faith comes first, and then Knowledge follows.
* When you follow fun, misery follows you. When you follow Knowledge, fun follows you.
* Illusion is error of perception and knowing illusion as illusion is Knowledge.
* Suffering is a product of limited knowledge.
* For one who has awakened in knowledge, there is no more suffering.


Freedom

* Break through the barrier of the rational mind and find freedom for yourself
* Freedom is your very nature. Only with freedom do joy, generosity and other human values blossom
* Just an intention to be free makes you immediately free.
* Discipline protects freedom. You can choose to focus either on freedom or discipline, and this makes you happy or unhappy.
* Freedom without discipline is like a country without a defense.



Karma

* When you praise someone, you take on their good karma. When you blame someone, you take on their bad karma
* Performing actions cannot eliminate karma. Only through grace can the bondage of karma be burnt.
* Prarabdha karma cannot be changed. Sanchita karma can be changed by spiritual practices.


Ego

* The "I" or ego in you is a tiny atom
* Ego is separateness, non-belongingness
* The head level is safe for the ego. The heart level breaks the ego. The solve level dissolves the ego
* The inability to communicate occurs because of ego
* Someone experiences bliss, and that bliss, itself, becomes a trip for the ego. So the ego, in turn, destroys the infinity, the joy, the bliss.


Death

* Divinity dwells in the void as well as in celebration.
* Death brings you in touch with the reality of life.
* Wake up an see your life is too short. The realization that life is short will bring dynamism to your life.