People who've touched my soul!

Its 11 days after the new year born and its still snuggling under the cloudy blankets refusing to open its eyes and brighten the world. But i kinda like it. I just love cold, I cant bear heat. I guess that wont make me a cold-one. I do have a warm heart and i strongly believe made good imprints on many people than bad. I intentionally never tried to hurt people but yes there have been times when I had to work for karma and do revel my dark side too coz that was required for the whole thing to keep going and not to get stuck at a hump. I with full of my heart regret for hurting them and my sincere apologies, those acts could have given a good lesson or a great experience in their lives. So i am still glad.

This is 2015. 10 years back, yes 10 years is what a decade is. Holy crow! times super-fast. Ok 10 years back while I was still studying at the same time under-going the most painful time of my life, hoping and praying god for passing me from that state of vein, i would ask myself this question very often "what will be my life like after 10 years? ".."where will I be?"..."will I be rescued from this heart bleeding by then..?" and so many questions of sorts. I, many a times thought if i could foresee the future. But no! I didn't had that supernatural ability, I had to wait and kept going in the flow of countless number of faces gurgled passed me like a flood. It wasn't an easy ride, its still not. But it shaped me smooth polishing my sharp edges and nibs so that I can roll easily with the current. I am a strong person after a decade of being polished by different scenarios of life. I am happy and thankful to everything that made me the person I am today. Every good things and bad things, every sadness and trochees, every struggles and the many people who came to my life and left. some did care to scribble on the pages of my soul, but a few simply left quite.  I remember all of you still and forever. Above all i am thankful to myself to that person in me who kept encouraging me and who even played dramas in my mind keeping me subtle and calm. My heart could live a lifetime without blood but Love it was impossible to pump at once without it. It always craved Love and when at times in my life I was abandoned and left alone by destiny, my soul kept playing epic of love within my head with solid colour pictures and kept me confident. I still don't have any idea, how on earth would someone live a stage of their life in a completely imaginary world. I did my stuffs and followed a disciplined routine but i would escape to my world that i don't know if exist in any part of this world. This is where i find me as awesome as the greatest artists. Only things is this that my soul can execute something like that only within me but its just a crybaby when it comes to open its talent to the world.

So while it is 2015, and i am 27 now, I would once again like to look back at my life and judge my past. 10 years ago, I was as delicate as a wafer that anyone could break it smash it ground it and simply blow it in the air. As time pass by, I evolved in to something solid and beautiful like the great barrier reef, my talents and calibres are the pearls and corals, and now I decide to adorn me with a tiara made of it. Let me expose it to the world with pride. I would thank all of you who visited my soul and touched it drawing beautiful pattens on it. The first few people i would mention here would alwaysbe  you three whom I always had and still have; of course on the top Goofy (Abdul Rauf) a true friend who guided me and protected me from falling in to the dirty holes, Sosha (Alpha VJ) who still treats me as her only friend and no matter how far I go, would chase me somehow and keep in touch, Chandu (Chandhana) who have been a sister and cared me like her own,

My memory lapse. I know i am not even through the first trimester of my own life. But it just happens and i dont know how will i complete the list. Even though i dont remember the names, i still feel the ripple across my heart that was made from the tender touch of yours...some names are embossed on to my memory's shell while some faces are painted on the canvases of my heart..there are even vague..faded faces on the walls of my long ago ruined mansions of dreams that collapsed in the earth quakes on the run...i wont make you disappear rather i will preserve it for life and if another destruction rumbles you down..i would still dig and excavate and pick every pieces and ensafe it in the crystal cubes safely until.... until i get diluted in the dark vastness of this universe and my possessions take shape into toddlers of stars....

Resolution for LIFE

It’s a new year. And regardless of the fact that all these are created by ourselves for convenience, we just do things like we don’t know the fact that all these were created by ourselves for convenience. We ditch our conscience pushing it to believe that things were rolling down in the very same way in the very same direction even before mankind step its foot on this world. Things were this way, no argument, but the way we watch it is through a different kind of lens. We know everything that the mankind boastfully calls it its achievements already existed in the universe and we found it out and named it. Like we named the whole scenario SCIENCE… And we are like forever still hunting the universe for more answers. More answers we get more questions arises… at the moment I feel like a fool, what do I know? Nothing! Simply nothing! I couldn’t find anything unfound. I am just a parasite, consuming the little knowledge some people found out being mad, crazy and sleepless for years... I feel like a fool when I question myself about what am I living for, what it is that the creator installed in me to move a brick on the wall of this universe… Do I have any connection with the stars that shine high up in the sky every night while I jealously stare at them for being one remarkable part of this whole beautiful nothingness… Why do I feel incomplete? Is life meant to be as hopeless and wasteful like this? When I try to judge myself at times, I could place me in a high level of quality when it comes to leading a life as compared to many others who are living the worst times. I am thankful for whatever brought me here. But that’s not enough. I have way a long list of questions and confusions that suffocates me like I am locked inside a jar. Will I ever find an answer? Will I ever encounter with a guru who can guide me to my answers? Or is it all as everyone says buried inside me that I need to shovel it out removing the layers of dirt that sediment over it…?? I can sense the clock of my lifetime is ticking faster now a days and I am afraid I would have to leave, out of time, clueless and confused, coming back with more dirt sediment over the coal of knowledge that’s calling out from deep inside for a rescue… I sense that there are so many of them, so many of myself, dwelling within me…they all have their own ideas and part to collocate before me, and my difficulty is to choose which one and when…most of the time I fail to pick the right one at the right moment and I regret for my choices and the seconds that I just wasted… I have been trying hard to bring them all in one line and have their parts shouted on my face in unison which would echo in the air like it was shot out of a single lip. I am gonna turn 28 this year, my times in a battle to reach its destination quicker, which leaves me worried and sick. All I am doing now is shedding wrath that’s dancing in a circle around my chest in bliss through my tears… crying keeps it low… the impulses that behaves like a caveman, vigorous and vulnerable…

So what I decided in the moment under the created cloud of beliefs, while watching a year die and receiving another year having crackers splash paints on the starry night sky that this time I will run around the sun trying to find answers for my existing questions. At least I will dig down through the dirt, decomposed and hardened until I get the clangour of hitting on the brass vessel within which the treasures are hiding…this year is my work place, I will try the last pinch of my energy to master over my laziness and shake my clumsy head vigil… I was half sleeping throughout a few years and I am tapping on the floor hard to wake the busy- bee up. I have always been a doer not the mourner but was enjoying the state of being coddled by him with the love that kept pumping upon me… I would need it until I puff my last breath out but up until then his love is my life source and a minute without it would break me in to micro bits… This is not or can be a resolution but for the life… I need the answers not just to know it but also to have those old graying questions to move out and give space for new thoughts… An unanswered question is an aching hump on the back and it can bend you down and shrink you in to atom size…