Resolution for LIFE

It’s a new year. And regardless of the fact that all these are created by ourselves for convenience, we just do things like we don’t know the fact that all these were created by ourselves for convenience. We ditch our conscience pushing it to believe that things were rolling down in the very same way in the very same direction even before mankind step its foot on this world. Things were this way, no argument, but the way we watch it is through a different kind of lens. We know everything that the mankind boastfully calls it its achievements already existed in the universe and we found it out and named it. Like we named the whole scenario SCIENCE… And we are like forever still hunting the universe for more answers. More answers we get more questions arises… at the moment I feel like a fool, what do I know? Nothing! Simply nothing! I couldn’t find anything unfound. I am just a parasite, consuming the little knowledge some people found out being mad, crazy and sleepless for years... I feel like a fool when I question myself about what am I living for, what it is that the creator installed in me to move a brick on the wall of this universe… Do I have any connection with the stars that shine high up in the sky every night while I jealously stare at them for being one remarkable part of this whole beautiful nothingness… Why do I feel incomplete? Is life meant to be as hopeless and wasteful like this? When I try to judge myself at times, I could place me in a high level of quality when it comes to leading a life as compared to many others who are living the worst times. I am thankful for whatever brought me here. But that’s not enough. I have way a long list of questions and confusions that suffocates me like I am locked inside a jar. Will I ever find an answer? Will I ever encounter with a guru who can guide me to my answers? Or is it all as everyone says buried inside me that I need to shovel it out removing the layers of dirt that sediment over it…?? I can sense the clock of my lifetime is ticking faster now a days and I am afraid I would have to leave, out of time, clueless and confused, coming back with more dirt sediment over the coal of knowledge that’s calling out from deep inside for a rescue… I sense that there are so many of them, so many of myself, dwelling within me…they all have their own ideas and part to collocate before me, and my difficulty is to choose which one and when…most of the time I fail to pick the right one at the right moment and I regret for my choices and the seconds that I just wasted… I have been trying hard to bring them all in one line and have their parts shouted on my face in unison which would echo in the air like it was shot out of a single lip. I am gonna turn 28 this year, my times in a battle to reach its destination quicker, which leaves me worried and sick. All I am doing now is shedding wrath that’s dancing in a circle around my chest in bliss through my tears… crying keeps it low… the impulses that behaves like a caveman, vigorous and vulnerable…

So what I decided in the moment under the created cloud of beliefs, while watching a year die and receiving another year having crackers splash paints on the starry night sky that this time I will run around the sun trying to find answers for my existing questions. At least I will dig down through the dirt, decomposed and hardened until I get the clangour of hitting on the brass vessel within which the treasures are hiding…this year is my work place, I will try the last pinch of my energy to master over my laziness and shake my clumsy head vigil… I was half sleeping throughout a few years and I am tapping on the floor hard to wake the busy- bee up. I have always been a doer not the mourner but was enjoying the state of being coddled by him with the love that kept pumping upon me… I would need it until I puff my last breath out but up until then his love is my life source and a minute without it would break me in to micro bits… This is not or can be a resolution but for the life… I need the answers not just to know it but also to have those old graying questions to move out and give space for new thoughts… An unanswered question is an aching hump on the back and it can bend you down and shrink you in to atom size…