Those true EteRnal feelings...

Love. there cant be any other topic to write today..being a lover myself..being a true believe of love..who had seen it felt it and understood it.. Love was always on the top, and there is not a single human who are born that never had felt this emotion at least once in life..

Its Valentine's day. don't know why i feel this is my first valentines day with him. our marriage was in the month of Jan and this special day is in Feb..i am wondering, in which world i was last year at this time.. Yes i was lost..lost in the world of the most purest unconditional love..and i really enjoyed every sweet drops of it..i was like a new born in love and this year i am a year old and my heart matured, i dont like it to be that way but it just happened but the love, that kept growing like a big fat boy.. :)

Today i want to rewind or go back or to turn the time back to those days when it just bloomed, when the souls just got that lite flame of loves fire.. yes fire that grows and grows deeply which cant be ceased, which will never stop blazing in the hearts of those who carry the real, true feelings..

Love can catch you from any where, in the street, in the bus, in a super market, in a coffee shop, in a library anywhere if you are destined to..all you have to do is to get your eyes locked accidentally that will make you immovable..building an unseen link which shares each and everything hidden under the mask of your face and  in a moment you feel your heart pound loud.. because its not just yours but your loves too..in that moment you forgets the world around you..just read the stories in his/her eyes taking the halves of happiness and sadness and all that is inside..you will feel the goosebumps over your skin which gets severe..dry leafs flying in the air and the wind blowing all around..Loves beauty is immaculate..

As i told, love can happen anywhere .now a days in internet too, which i consider is the truest form of it..two people fell in love without seeing, without knowing with a complete unknown.. those who succeeded internet/ciber love is the most powerful ones..it is a proof for the fact that love happens in between two souls not two bodies..i am a captive of this form of it..only difference was that he loved me even before i knew of it..before years and kept it..secure it and gave it when god allowed the right time for him..i am blessed.. love is a blessing.. there are tons of humans who kill themselves for this.. so you know how important it is.. and how badly it thrall the human minds.. no matter who he or she is..how big, beautiful, stressful, virtuous we are.. it simply happens and your puzzled life will be changed..

2001, i was in my 8th standard and i happen to attend my cousins cousins pre-marriage-night-party..in the blue and gold frock that my mom tailored it for me..she had that habit of  dressing me up with her own ideas and she continued it even i reach as tall as her.. :) no wonder, for a mother, her children don't grow.. just their sizes change.. i attended the function with my dad and my little brother.. i was so nervous as i know there are a lot of boys who would stalk me, tease me and make me cry.. it happened before a couple of times.. my lil bro got engaged playing with his aged buddies in there and my dad too got occupied chatting with the people he know, in fact the elder people in that house are his cousins too.. i drew me back from the crowd and placed me in the empty hall..i was full in tension thinking about the guy who follows me after school.. the one who had an innocent face and beautiful smile with those sharp upper fangs on both sides.. his letter that had pink ink writings.. a few words that seemed passed straight from his heart to the point of the pen with a mixture of couple of lines from the band, back street boys latest song (Although loneliness has always been a friend of mine, I'm leavin' my life in your hands, People say I'm crazy and that I am blind, Risking it all in a glance, And how you got me blind is still a mystery, I can't get you out of my head..)i was confused, whether to neglect or receive his love..whether it was true or fake.. but the words he says simply vaporized me.. it was a first experience for me and i just didn't know what to answer him.. Sometimes intuitions play a vital role in life..i was longs lost in the thoughts and suddenly someones sight made it uneazy to continue with it..it might have been a very strong one.. i checked around and found a mess of humans laughing talking and doing a lot of things they wish all over there.. someone was staring and i couldn't catch up..it became irritated and i get on with my that style of sitting.. with ma heads bend down..

A few days after that marriage, on a weekend when i go stay at my cousins place, she teased me saying, "gorgeous you made two guys fall by that days visit to the party, one was the brother of the bride.." now who knows he is, but she absentmindedly mentioned his name and i know him i have seen him too in schools.. that serious looking, quite, lean guy.. a couple of times i had just said my friend that he is my cousin.. just to attain a position cause he is a full time member in school politics..

Years passed technologies grow, people got crazy in social networking and for an escape from the head aching tasks i also decided to open an account in it, i got engaged in increasing the number of friends and i clashed up on adding this guy, Dilroop. he was the first guy who had ever declined my request, a really charming profile with the cropped image of my kholed eyes..as i am used to use spectacles always, it looks bad when i remove it coz that part of my face dont match with other parts, kind of a damn mismatch like someone had cut a portion of someones eyes and fixed on my face..but when i cropped it alone..it looked beautiful..when he decline my request i felt it like a small slap on my face..i resent the request but for so many days he didnt respond..my eagerness grew, i had that long back hint in my mind that this guy once loved me..and now why hes behaving like this..i scanned his profile, his relationship status was single and interested in men only..i don't know why but felt a kind of relief..i asked myself why i was behaving that way..i kept monitoring his profile..scraps, updates and photos and then i found a photo of him holding a white girl in a blue dress dancing..a tint of jealous ran through from somewhere in my mind, but then i thought why am i bothered about it and simply commented on it.."is that your girlfriend..??"..the very next day..i got an update that this guy accepted me and a scrap in my scrapbook saying " i don't have any girl friend" and surprisingly i checked his album once again and the image was deleted.. :) an unknown happiness glared across my face and that's how we started chatting..in the beginning sharing a few scraps..every morning i simply get enthusiastic to open orkut and check the scrapbook and i would find at least one from him..through this conversation i came to know that in his office all these kind of things are banned during working hours so he messages me after reaching home..suddenly i became interested in going to office..i prepared words to share with him while i brush, bath, eat and walk..But i was not ready to accept the truth that it was love..

The eagerness, the uneasiness and the irritation boiled up..the tension the worry the unslept thought full nights,  the care..all this made a mix and gave me a ache at the center of the chest ..a sweet pain that made my each breath heavy.. i was suffocated with Love.. the man i had hardly seen a couple of times in the past. Who knows how he looks like now..i wondered if he still have that rudeness in his face.. the silence that caged his every feelings.. at the same time when i was undergoing this stress i refused to convert this friendship to the next step..we shared everything that happens in our life everyday through chat and suddenly we were completely updated about each other to each other.. even when it was banned in his office to use personal chats he took risk and started doing it for he wanted ma presence somehow and i realized it.. after a few days he disclosed me about a girl he loves. at first when i heard it i was hit with utter disappointment but then a belief strengthen in me that it cant be none other than me.. i wanted him to spit the truth out but he wanted me to ask him..all that he said matched me.. i was 99% sure but 1% still troubled me and i continued to get it out from him.. on a fine day while chatting, mistaking the word 'no' as 'no.' he gave me his number.. :) i still doubt that it was his trick.. but it looked like fun and in the next instance he asked me for mine.. i dint give..but i saved his name as 1. DK (its still the same in my mobile :) )

Some kind of mystery started to heat  in me and the blush, that slight pink stain that love fix on the cheek and that one bright light in the eyes that feelings creates made my friends doubt me..they never wanted me to fall in love cause we including me believed that love spoils people but then when i have him all my philosophies crushed apart in to a thousand bits.. i hid it from them for so long.. i being quite, lost in dreams not making any fuss made them irritated..the very Sunday after getting his number a kind of urge pushed me from my back to dial his number and give a ring.. holidays become the worst days of my life.. i withdraw me from the usual hangouts with my friends and that made them more angry.. i dreamed and slept, wake up and dialed then disconnect before it could have a single ring.. i waited for him to ask me again for my number but he didnt..i wished he would get my number from our cousins and would call me but he didnt..this made me desperate..but after some days he asked me again..he told he just want to sent messages and wont talk..my heart beat as if it will break out with happiness and i passed him my number..but he bluffed..the same day he called me and i couldn't stop me from picking the call..my hands shivered..for some seconds i could hear only his breaths and i noticed that i am responding the same way..i was worried how hard my voice would be heard through the phone and feared whether he would like it or not and so on..i corrected my throat a couple of times and then from the other side "hellon" :P that slightly rough, manly but cute voice traveled through my ears to all over me i literally felt it with my eyes open wide indulging in the waves of that voice which carried that one single word.. with a husky fearful tumbling vote i gave a "hellow" back.. "uuuuuuuuuffffffff renikutty..." this was the next from him and the love, care, affection and all those feeling that he protected in a shell inside him melted and dripped in extensively to me.. i could swim like a swan in it and just escape from this world with him to somewhere where there is only me and him.. his every words strucked in me like an arrow.. he explained me everything that came out like thousand colorful beautiful caged butterflies break the lid and come out of the jar..for these years he kept pushing it tight in, so that it would never come out and then when i am in his life again the frozen emotions cracked and flooded..i simply listened and blamed me for not being able to find the true love of my life from the time it took birth..its been 7 long years..but then we should accept that it has a particular time for things to happen..we kept texting, chatting but we spoke only for a few minutes before sleep..he wakes me in the morning with a ring and all these came under our routine..

We text each other every time and thanks to the service providers, they brought new offers up that supported us texting is a very nice way to open our heart..words danced on my finger tips and i could write words incomparable to any written poems.. :) love sweeped  the dust off from the unknown abilities of mine that existed somewhere inside me..i worked in between kept an ear for an sms beep..i made up reasons to write to him and everything changed in my life.. we started to have lunch together but from two different places.. Love never hold you in a single place, when you get one it demands the next, when the next is in hand it demands the other and the demands just roll out like a big lengthy list..i wanted to see him..to have a look in to his eyes and steal all that is in there.. i wanted to see his smile..i wanted to know his smell..i wanted to feel his warmth.. being a girl and taking an initiative did'nt sound practical for me..but as if god had listened to me something happened that could help us to meet up..though, it was an unpleasant circumstance.. He had to come to my place as one of his uncles was hospitalized.. and the day when he was boarding the bus to Cochin he called and informed me this.." i am coming there to see an uncle of mine. hes hospitalized, i am not sure if i can spare some time for us but i will surely try.." i just was so excited..the first thing that i did was run straight to the mirror..i checked my face one organ after one so keenly like a chemist or scientist or astronomer.. :D..oww my eye brows were grown and i was suppose to go do it this weekend but for tomorrow i should look pretty and what i did was simply shave with a razor blade..rest all was fine..then i opened my wardrobe and check on all of my cloths.. he wanted me to be simple..he hated make up.. he likes lite shades and so i choose a lite lavender and off-white kameez.. i couldn't sleep that night..as he was travelling he couldn't sleep as well.. we texted until i fell asleep but by them it was close to dawn..i wake up and groomed me..as simple as possible..i left my dark shads of lipsticks and applied a lite watery lip glow and a thin layer of kohl, my hair was left like that as it was trimmed..a very gorgeous short layers.. i checked my toe and applied a lite shade of polish..a wooden bangle on one hand and a big sporty watch on the other.. i looked nice..but still i wasnt confident..i was thinking that this guy is from a big city and he might have seen the most loveliest girls in there and ow would i  please him..??then i calmed me, i knew all this,,but i also know that he loves me regardless of the fact that he could get better girls as he had everything that a girl would expect of.. i took leave after lunch..but as boss was not there i waited for his call so that i can leave from there..after some time he called and asked me about any place that i know of where we could meet..we both were confused..he had his friends with him, among them had one of our other cousin..after a few unsuccessful calls in which we  discussed and decided but not being able to confirm our cousin had to suggest a place and they fixed it for Grand Hotel..one of the oldest but finest hotels in that city..

i waved everyone in my office, checked my face in the glass for the last time and left, caught a rikshaw and give directions to the driver..i was feeling nauseous and was sweating..my heart was thumping and i could hear it..my breaths become even heavy and i struggle to gulp in some air to keep me alive..i gasped and then to make my breathing steady i took a few oral inhale-exhalation.. i collected all my hairs and hold it in one side with a hand in tight to avoid a mess and then loosen it when i reach just before the entrance of the hotel..i paid for the ride and turned to find him..in an off- white human faced t-shirt and blue jean..:) look at the coincidence we both were in the same color..this is love..it connects through your heart no matter at which end of the world you are..and passes thoughts through intuitions.. we ran our eyes here and there for some time with sort of diffidence or impatience or something and then in between the hello-hi's it collide..that made us still for a few minutes..for the first time in life i too felt that enigmatic, mysterious, passionate, strange and unusual grip that hold me to the earth at the same time leaving a feeling that there is nothing under my foot..i was in the air..weightless..breathless and it was beautiful.. his big long lashed eyes took my soul from me..it simply made me unmovable..i found the idol of love in him and i vow to worship it for the rest of my life..the texts, those beautiful words those feelings those needs all splashed in my head and i felt i was spinning and would go unconscious in the relish of heat that his presence had brought. we approached together towards a circled table with four of them seated and staring us in anguish..no one would recognize us as we have met just now..we looked as close as those in a pretty old relationship.. it just occurred that way naturally..at this point i wanted to pause my life and live it for eternity.. i dont want it to end ever.. i wanted to die that way that day so that the last breath that i take would give me his odor and the last memory of me n him..and my life after death would remain  perfect..The sand in the hour glass kept draining and each grain in it took away those lovely moments that i never wanted to stop..food ordered for me rested on the table untouched..i was full with that hot sweet corn chicken soup that helped me burn the air that stuck in my trachea tube and made it easy.. i finished it in no time and the guys were surprised..an urge to touch his hand made me uneasy again..i calculated things in my head about my actions and moves..just to know how warm he would be..i tried to erase this though from my mind but my mind was wicked a 10 times more than me..it cling on to it and bullshit, when he was handing over the ice cream bowl..intentionally i placed a few fingers upon his..i dont know if he or anyother there noticed it..but the tips of his fingers were ice cold..to have that ice cream was really interesting my mischievous mind danced and jumped and rolled with merry inside me..i was sure about one thing..that my cheeks might have blushed..it happens whenever i keep some personal secrets..

a world of our own..!!

He promised me to drop me back to my office. by then it was time for me to catch the train..i waved to his friends and then we caught a rikshaw..he allowed me to get in first and i obeyed him..we sit in the extreme ends even i wished to have his hands around my shoulder, i always believed it to be the most caring posture in the world..after a few minutes of silence he turned to me and lit a conversation..casual things and then i find his face turned to watch the outside views but i knew something was running in his head..his eyes fixed in a position but was not watching anything..i realized his mind was acting in the same way as mine did inside the restaurant.. he turned to me his eyes crooked, brows wrinkled down and bit lips as if to control a smile.. he held his right hand across his down-half of face keeping his index finger above his upper lips and rest of the finger down the chin..that made me make out that he surely was planing something..and the bloody me was waiting for his actions..in a fast quite husky throaty voice he asked me if i would allow him to hold my hand..:) i was kinda shocked with my jaws open down..without getting a reply from me, he grasped my hands and encased mine in both his palms..only the tip of his fingers were cold..but the center it was warm and soft like a sweater.. my heart thumped again..like a rushing train..he bend his head and adored my hand for some time and to make me paralyze he planted a kiss on the back of my palms..his warm breath fondled my skin a few times..the smack of the kiss made me deaf and my hands shivered.. my eyes widen in astonishment with disbelief..it was so unexpected and unexplainable..my hands become as soft and moist as butter..and i quickly took it back..it might be a reflex action..soon after this i felt my senses ditched me..i wanted it to be cuddled in his palms as long as it can stay that way..since i took it back he thought i felt what he did was implausible..but it was not true..i wanted to tell it to him because i don't want him to carry that guilt any longer..the rest of the travel he kept his face outside blowing in some fresh air..i felt sad..i want to go with him..live with him..but i know this is not the time..and it is impossible..i opened my eyes to reality and it was time for the departure..we paid for the rikshaw and get inside the station..trains are coming and going..we stood at the coach position of mine in the first platform..he walked ahead me for a few steps..i fasten my steps to reach him and hold his hand..he turned his face to meet mine..he smiled and i smiled back..

We have shared and enjoyed the most purest and deepest love together for a few years..and the strength of our love made us strong to battle for success..we had gone through difficulties but faced it together..and even we are no longer in the safer road now..our paths are filled with thorns and the storm of struggle is stroking us..we never mind it, because we have always had each others hand that uplifted us when we were down..that supported us when we were tired..that guided us when we were confused..that kept us healthier to fell again and again in love with each other through every single day that passed..the great things about us is that we are in Love.. truly, madly, deeply...



Happy Valentine's Day my Love..  +Dilroop Kurikkalot