The selfish side of ME..!!

I remember in my blurred memory, the face of the most beautiful women in this world..smiling.. mimicking.. singing.. squeezing.. and cherishing.. the women who sacrificed everything for me.. who forgot herself in the joy of getting me.. who find my laughs as the escapes from her sobs.. the women who believes to have me as the greatest blessings of her life.. who spent hours and hours to make up me.. who brought me everything i wished not even said.. who understands the inner self of me with out a single word..the one lady who made me feel secure.. happy and carefree..the one who made me strong and defensive.. thats my mom.. ma this one is for you..

[very sentimental guys..i cant stop my running eyes..!! :'( ]

the first click of her face saved in my memory was like this.. something white in a row was glaring..sparkling and that made some sort of clinking noise too..that was her smile..yes her sweet smile..i would say this..that was the first and last time i felt 'love at first time' in my life..her face appeared so funny and cute that i felt like laughing too but unfortunately i couldn't express..something that my eyes caught next was a big circle of maroon (which suits her well)exactly at the upper center of her face.. so attractive..it really had an hypnotizing power that made me uneazy and i started wailing.. in the very instance i experienced the so consoling pats of her on my back immediately i was back to my normal-self..and then i was being carried out to place after place..rooms after rooms.. i was pampered.. fed.. cared.. cuddled.. and loved starting from then till this time.. all i used to do is to suck my thumb snuggle to her warm body and sleep.. she knows what to be done.. i slept until i hear my moms amusing voice.. she adored me as much as i did.. she was my world while i was hers.. something stronger than the 'birth cord'connected us.. (still no answer for what that something is..)

months passed i made her happy more than she could bear..i got surprised for she got excited on seeing the smallest new things happening to me.. my first milk tooth.. my first walk.. my growth.. my giggles..and finally when i begin to talk.. the first word.. that made her proud.. "mmmaa" ..she was bouncing with happiness..i had a few drops of her tears on my face..

she wore me the most beautiful fairy dresses, always designed by her.. frilly..flowery ones.. matching hats and shoes..sometimes hair bands and bangles..and so on.. i kept the pride of a queen among the kids of my age.. everything "out standing" available in the market was mine.. she made me a lil star on every occasions that happens.. both of us enjoyed it..

my home was my play school..and having a dozen of kids in the house it could have been a good idea to start a play school..but none had time.. :)

instead of waving at my brothers and sisters in the morning.. one day i was also dressed up with them in a maroon pinafore and white shirt with a tie and shoes n socks.. a bag on my back with some rhyme books and tiffin box.. i don't know if i had cried that much ever in my life than this time when my mom boarded me in the van.. and everyone started waving to their mothers and the van moved.. i had that strange pain below my heart.. that made me feel like i am being taken away from her.. that was the first time i even saw her away from my sight.. i screamed so loud that they had to reverse the van and dumb me down at my boarding point.. :) he he

I as well as the years started to grow slowly.. i started experiencing new things.. started to recognize different people, places, incidents.. my mom thought me things i don't know.. and things i should be careful about.. she directed me how to do certain things.. and how to behave according to the situation.. how to respect elders..and how to speak well.. she shaped me with good mannerisms.. i was a good obedient daughter of my mother.. but some where in the time line i got busy acquiring knowledge..gaining more scores and at once fell in love.. and all i can say is that my moms magic wand didn't worked this time..

she was my guide..she was my strength and she was my love.. she poured all her love to me with which i can live a billion lives.. but at some point i felt thats insufficient.. she warned me about it a long before but i simply became selfish.. i.. my curiosity wanted to try different things and i fell in love with a guy.. being a true mirror it wasn't difficult for her to identify the changes that happened to me..she caught me and warned me again..she was afraid that i gets hurt eventually.. but it was a pain through out..until it got rid of me..and by then i was a "nothing"..a slip of my mind took too much from my life..but mom..she appeared again and brought me back to life ..she is the strongest person in this world in front of my eyes and she transmitted some into me..

One by one i defend every obstacles on my path.. buried certain things in the past.. when ever i was about to confront something.. my mother appears in front of me as a guardian angel.. and on the spot leaves me with ideas to resolve it.. it wasn't difficult ever to do anything.. to accept any risks.. and life was eazy..!!

and then i was mature enough to invite the man of my life..it was again an easy task for me to differentiated good from a bag of bad.. i am so strong that none on the world can fake me..and this time i acted brilliantly..i had all those i wanted on my wedding day..my mom n dad arranged it with their full efforts and it was a real marriage in heaven..they really did struggled to put things together to make it an ever cherish-able occasion..i must thank them..and again my mom..i used to irritate her with my wishes for this and that..and all were fulfilled..being crushed presenting me the best day of my life..they had themselves a great deal of sweat on the forehead..(i thank you so much ma..)when i was all done with the new start..the life i dreamed of a couple of years back..i, with out any difficulty forgot my past..the pain my parents had-to brought me up to an individual..the sacrifices they made for me..the love they give me..the care they enclosed me in..all was erased from my mind..that was a sin..i shouldn't have do that this way..while i was handed in the hand of my husband..i failed to notice the trembling hands of my father..the warm tears of happiness from my moms eyes..i thought that was the happiest moment of my life..but no..that was 'really' the happiest moment of ma mom and dads life.. when it was time for me to set off with my new family..i was enjoying it..while my mom was incredibly trying to hold her tears for her precious daughter was finally getting apart..i feel guilty for how much selfish i am..i didn't even turn back and wave..i couldn't give a single drop of tear in return..for my entire life till that day..i used to feel proud of myself that i could be with my parents when ever they are in trouble..i kept wiping their tears before it could fall down and what i did when they felt the real pain..?? i didn't care to turn back and let them see my face once again..i am sorry..

my sorry ma..but i still got all the love for you safe inside my heart..was excited so much..i know you wouldn't even know if i have written something like this..but at least i could confess it here..or it will burn me until i die..

[ A mother’s love for her child is like nothing else in the world. It knows no law, no pity, it dares all things and crushes down remorselessly all that stands in its path. – Agatha Christie ]

Hello..Yes..Mrs. Dilroop here..!! :)

hi girls..i never thought that my next post would be like this.. my last one is still incomplete which i left it half way while i was working at Cochin..this is the 10th month after that..so many things happened..had to go through a lot of agonizing days..but finally the coin landed in my favor.. I am a new person with the same thought looks and likes but with a new tail behind my name..my "husband's" name..its good to be called Mrs. Dilroop i never imagined or dreamed of sucha thing..a surname wasn't of any importance before marriage..but it brought me a hugh deal of privilege..i am loving it..

life is strange..i am so happy i got everything in hand all together.. i got my love along with having my sweethearts near somewhere me..i was always sure that IK4 met for a reason..what so ever it may be i am happy..for at least i have you girls to miss every day..

before i even start saying anything i wanted to remind my kootharas that, its true i got married but the place in my heart where i kept you all is still safe and strong..and its my word that no one else in world would be able to take hold of it.."cause" i wont let that happen..

Since we all get in to married life one after one, it was pretty hard for us to bring things back as it used to be.. it did took some time for everyone.."no blames"..its natural that it takes a break to swallow chilled water after warm..we just needed to settle down with the "new's" families, relatives, customs, beliefs and so on..lets make us relax and get things straight..IK4 will be there forever in our hearts even we are miles apart or just next door.. :)

thanks to this great city.. which welcomed each of us but with different purpose..what ever that may be..what we have to do is to create memories..memories that would live even after years..life is short..its a fact..i gets surprised to know that i am 24years old..deep down my heart i am still 18 and my mind refuses to accept the reality..anyways...!!! :) Girls now we are living our plans..lets kick start it..lets enjoy life..lets be carefree..lets get lost..and..lets live..

Yet Another December

Dear All...

Its been long time i have written something..to be precise after marriage i have visited the blog only twice..feeling so sad ..Everything around me has changed a lot. I feel so sorry ...i couldnt even read the wonderful blogs written by Achu.

miss you all ..

December is always special for ik4 i believe..its a month of memories, feel like a loser...The whole year is different for me...entered in to new life for which my family has been awaiting for years...even my dear ik4 were awaiting the same.

The year was full of mixed emotions.the days are moving so fast that wen it come to december i feel very sad...we have completed one more year in our life...

Wish we all gather together at Bangalore..and the dream that Achu saw come true...

Hope GOD will help us ...

and 29th the day which is always special for us and now our dearest Achu is getting married on 29th..Jan 29th...so happy for her..as we believe everything happens for a reason..wen we thought of 29th, we never thought one among us is going to have the most important thing in her life on the same date.strange!!!

miss those days wen we were together..wen we will have that good time together..hope for the best alle...As the destiny meant to bring us together earlier, hope that will happen again...


Love u all....miss you all....

:):)

a reality show in reality.. :)

Reality shows are ruling the tv channels now a days..

it may be singing dancing comedy shows or etc etc.. offering the glittering prizes which attracts the whole world and they filter from a million of applicants to choose the final contestants, each one with the only hope in their mind,heart and soul to get on the first place and grab the prize.. segment by segment the number of contestants gets eliminated taking home their worth less efforts and lost time. While another group who are smart, steal the minds of the viewers and judges with their attitude or looks earn the lowest ability scores and highest votes reaches the finals and one among them wins!!

now thats it about the television thing.. in reality we, Indian women are suppose to confront sucha reality show a double-dezon times sometimes.. the luckiest ones win their prices in the first few shows while some others have to face one after another until they gets theirs and some even hits century having participating every weekends soon after they are 18 years old.. :-)

the comedy in here is that i have been practicing for the great reality show of my life since 2009 even before the subjected program was planned by the channel(the boys family) and discussed with the add companies (the relatives).. Now in 2011 finally they had published the dates and my goodness there is no audition to get in the show.. cause the only participant is "me".. If they are not convinced with this show they will plan another one very easily (everyone craves for self-benefits in every area where they spent fuel and time).. So here i goes well behaving to the relatives with the glossy praises and a clown face so as to make them "vote" for me.. the prize (the boy)just have to polish his appearance with good outfits, shoes, hair, face and every bit of him to appeal "handsome" to every one on my side which must make them feel "yes the effort for the show really worth it".. none of the parents in the world would encourage their children to participate in a competition to win "mud-cakes"..

NOTE: this is just the introduction of the show. requesting everyone to be with me encouraging with all the prayers and good lucks to help me win.. to pass this quest i need your "votes" so please vote for me to 5353 and the format is *MM < space > A-K-S-H-A-Y-A. Thank you!!


*MM- My Marriage ;) he he he

At this moment

At this moment.. i am so sad and i fought back my tears but a few drops defeated me and washed down my kohl which stained an ash color circle on the shoulder of my dupatta..

the only one who can understand oneself is themselves.. thats it.. what ever you do to make someone understand or to convince will remain as some useless scarps..

At this moment.. i want to run away from "this moment"
i want to be mad.. i want to die.. cause at this moment.. i am all alone.. there is no one who is willing to listen to me.. there is no place on this big earth where i can settle down my burdens off my shoulder..

its a pathetic condition.. really..

i want some of my dear ones to call me.. but the same me dont want to talk to anyone..

faces of my father and mother.. it really bothers me.. it always does.. when ever i am atop a building to jump off or with a blade to cut my wrist or with some tablets to swallow in.. anything to welcome death.. those two faces troubles me.. those two faces who brought me to life.. still brings me back to survive.. no one would love me as unconditionally as they do..

i love you mom and dad..

hope WE will meet AGAIN!!

hope we will meet again.. take care!!

i never go that much inside the above clause as i did today..
Life is a vast ocean.. and we are the particles of a wretched ships.. we will be nailed together until its crushed by a giant wave..a turnover in life..

i was totally relived after shifting myself to the new hostel..i set my camp-cot with the bed and pillow provided by the hostel authority..i unfold the bedspread and put the pillow cover..stuffed my luggage's under the cot and took bath.. relax!! its been exactly a month i slept peacefully.. the previous one was located next to a cemetery and we could also see the railway lines through the window.. either of it spoiled my sleep everyday.. the new place was neat.. an old house. the front portion of the house was renovated but the rooms had all the charm of olden times.. the windows and the roof were wooden.. in the initial days there was just me n another lady called mini.. as she had a strange looks i always kept a distance from here even then its was we together who went all the 3 times of the day to take food.. after a gap of 3 days another girl came in.. the room was so spacious so we least bothered about the space we have to share with the new one.. when i cam back from office i found the new girl.. a short one with curly hairs.. unusually i started talking to her.. asking about her whereabouts her studies and purpose.. i was a stranger to myself for being that kind whom i used to admire.. the ones who would ask me with no hesitation.. the kind of girls i met in the previous hostels.. neethu answered me with necessary politeness.. with the way she talked keeping a wall of cautiousness i understood that she was another angle will a burden of problems.. she looked bold which i thought wasn't suitable for her looks as well as age.. life is this some unlucky ones have to be bold like her.. in a few days she earned the love of everyone around her.. she may be a bad console-r but was a good listener and a good distract-er.. she kept us entertained with her experiences.. and we learned that she was a small soldier who was fighting hard with her own faith.. i saw a long lost me in her.. she was 18 and was searching for a job to support her family as i did.. we sooner became so much closer.. the plus point of her is that she never try to dig in to my personal issues so i.. we will just pull over the time doing this or that.. listen to Fm.. make fun of the aunt.. a bit gossiping about mini.. laughing at jokes we throw to each other turn by turn..

on those days when i come back form office with dropped shoulders she would do some tricks to make me jump out of my bed and run aback her.. and when ever she was down i always takes her on my back which in my native calls "taking salt sacks".. and i would walk all the way through the guestroom, the hall way, the kitchen and back to her bed on my back.. she never weighed more than a 25kg for me.. she share her days things with me as i did the same.. i was lite as a wafer when she was around.. on some days when shes desperate having fighting with her boyfriend/ siblings/parents she would sent an sms to me asking if it will be possible for me to get down from the office early.. since i don't want her to feel bad i would try ma best and winds up my work early and we wud take a walk upto the marine drive.. some times we walks silently.. some other times we opened up about the things which disturbed us at that moment.. i learned that- the greatest pain ever discovered is to keep a secret.. if we could ever spit it out to at least one human we ill be happy like an emperor!!

i remember how she rolled inside he blanket when i made faces and scared here.. i remember how she holded my hand when ever we were frightened.. i remember how we steal those friend fishes and chicken livers aunt hid behind the tins of serials/pulses rack in the kitchen..

i remember the day we acted as CBI officers to find out the things about our warden.. there wasn't anything i guess ...but one day we heard the creeping sound of the backdoor which comes only once when someone tried to open it.. we doubted if the aunt had an affair with someone and shes opening it for him.. :-) on some days she used to shout at us ordering us to switch off the lights.. and after 10 we weren't allowed to go to the kitchen.. this made us suspect her more.. anyways we just dumped the matter later..

after some days 2 more girls came in addition.. but they never could tear the bubble and get inside our world.. for us they were some outsiders.. on some days when we feel badly hungry we would stay awake and wait fro the girls to sleep and by midnight we would open up the eatables kit without making any noise and eat under the blankets.. some times the munching sound will some out of my mouth and she would beat me as if shes my mother and i am her child..

i forgot to add.. as she is a small thing i started to call her "peekiri" which has the same meaning.. a small kind.. it really suited her- the mischievous one.. after some months we all had a fight with the hostel people for their greediness and our paths parted.. she went back to her home place and i shifted to some other hostel.. she was a drug for me.. and her being away made me screwed.. she was someone like u koothars who could take my heart so easily .. i kept trying to bring her back.. and again after some months we met.. made some plans and we started staying together..
After coming back.. she wasn't the old childish "peekiri" a bit more matured may be she had confronted some sore things staying home for a few days.. but gradually the frozen aura that covered her, since she went home started to melt... and then she was again the old peekiri.. she being working as a visa agent became finely involved in her job and brought her own issues everyday when she leaves her office as i used to do in the beginning days.. from our new hostel we have been nick named by our roommates a collection of nurses who are working on their first year training after their graduation in nursing.. they called us "Tom" and "Jerry".. the bigger one The Tom- me and the lil one The Jerry- her.. Tom and Jerry.. they says they watch us with the same wide eyes as they watch those animations on the cartoon network.. we really liked them called us that way!!

when she told me regarding her mother coming back from abroad after 3 years i was so much happy for her.. i spoke to aunt Alice..i shared their happiness.. one day prior to the day of Alice aunty's arrival she left hostel saying shes-going to pick up her mom with her siblings.. i sent her with higher excitement.. i enjoyed the laughter in her eyes.. i have seen the pain of missing the women who gave birth to her in that very same eyes.. and i have known her crying secretly at night.. i never interrupted her while she did it for her mother.. coz Mrs. Alice really deserved it.. the tears of missing from her children.. she said she will be going on 10days leave for which she took permission from her Boss.. 10 days passed, in between i called her many times she calmed me saying she would come this day and that day.. but she never came..

i lost hope in her words.. but i knew she would have some reasons which is keeping her sticked on at her house.. last Friday(08 April 2011) she called me and said she would come on Sunday and vacate the hostel on Monday(12 April 2011).. before she go she needed to talk to me she said.. i agreed a kind of emptiness filled my head for an instance.. i feared whether she would reside in the lot several people who livid in my life and left like the cold storms and never came back or even look back.. i don't want her to be that way.. i pledged to myself that i will keep in touch with her through calls or messages.. coz a 'kind' like that so true from heart and innocent is hard to find.. she really didn't required a hint to read my mind.. she was a real mirror..

i waked up early morning and sweat myself running a bit to get the first train(alleppey) but couldn't catch.. i caught the next one our usual passenger train which sprinkled some spices in to my boiling sadness.. the nostalgia is a weird thing.. i couldn't sleep on the berth so i jumped down and landed me on a window seat and started reading a book.. before i reached Cochin she was there with her all packed baggage.. i felt a twitch just below my chest and i intake 3-4 full breaths.. she seemed too small in her black leggings, yellow kurthi and a black and white check shoes.. i found a glare of sadness in her face too.. i am sure she will miss me too.. she in a rush unburden her mind telling me each and everything happened in her house.. knowing all that i will never be able to cling on her and cry to stay back.. i helped her keep her bag over the berth and had a small chat again.. the last word she said was "when will we see again".. i replied "hope we will meet again soon" i waved and she returned one..

i hate railway stations for this.. it always makes us miss someone..

i turned and walked my way to office.. i took my mobile and typed "really" for the first time to her "i will miss you :(" and she gave me a quick reply in the same second "me toooooo :("


we all are sure about some people for example our parents, spouse relatives and "some" close friends that they will be always there in our life what so ever happens.. IK4 is not a part of me but its myself..we are 4 but i never saw it as 4 pieces but ONE so i never felt losing you all.. i miss our days together.. at times i feels a strong urge to see u all.. but never felt i ever will ve to say the above words to u.. that's were it makes a difference.. after i reached hostel on the 12th evening.. what i found was some chocolates a hair shampoo , a Himalaya moisturizer, a fancy comb and a hair clip .. how sweet shes...she was...

the Silhouette Faces!!

Exactly half a decade now since i landed Cochin.. on a monsoon day..

it was heavily raining while i woke up by the telephone ringing in my bedroom.. literally our room.. i must say like that.. the room which has been shared by myself my younger brother and mom and dad.. :) we being grown up now really regret for being a china wall in between our parents!!

The room was dark as it was blackly clouded outside and i was really having a nice afternoon nap flowing in the lullaby of raindrops crashing on the dry leafs.. the house was amidst the woods.. it was so cold..i was in a crescent shape lying lazily on my bed.. i scolded the caller who ever it was for being disturbing my lovely dreamless nap.. i walked with my eyes closed expecting to fall back after the call..

Till that moment i didn't realize that this call would change my life so much..and would take me to here where i am now.. it was from a person called Benoy who was a job consultant and is a great friend of one of ma uncles in Cochin..

Regardless of other girls in my age.. i was'nt the one who was enjoying the holiday.. but was one who was taking a nap after so many days of tensions about how to get placed in some job..to reap the fruit of my 6 months long hard work to get passed out of the travel and tourism diploma i did..unfortunately.. i wasnt destined to be one who would hung the glory of a big brain.. who would exhibit on the visitors room wall the framed certificate for the great IATA diploma holder!! my result was totally against me.. i blamed myself.. but then made up my mind that.. i have done what i could.. i worked hard but my luck ditched me somewhere..

At that point.. that very moment even failure couldn't defeat me!!
nothing could embarrass my focus.. my decision.. that could really change the life of a 5 member family..the rain was pouring out heavily that i felt some drops penetrated my skin and cooled my hot flesh.. it gave a relief.. i couldn't turn back and look at my mom when i left my old house.. ma father held me tight to him that i could hear our heart beats dhum-dhum louder.. he was soo miserable..!! and we walked away the mud path leaving every thing behind.. the small stream where we used to play catching small fishes to pet them until it dies... :) the mosque which always made us aware of the time.. the small grocery shop to where we used to run a million times a day to buy those local chocolates.. and finally the ruined bus stop!

Dad placed my bag on top of the berth and sat next to me...totally mute..he was so tender that i could read him as easily as an open book.. too fragile.. he got two-three lines under his swollen eyes.. from which i understood that he hardly slept last night and had left his pillow soak in tears.. i was a piece of him.. and he couldn't bear the separation!! the train jerked and roared to move.. he left me in the lady's compartment and hung on the grills of the window..walking in the same slowness as the train.. it was then his voice started to come out.. told me to take care of myself.. and he would come and meet me when ever possible.. and they will call me everyday.. and so on..i touched his soft cheeks and said bye.. the rain washed his face along with his tears.. he waved until my wagon took the deep curve..i love him...

I was numb as a corpse. 6 hours rush so fast that i felt i reached my destination in a blink..

Face 1
I had my uncle Mr. Biju waiting for me at the station.. the person with whom i am not too much in touch.. but the one who helped me with out even a request.. he was a quite man who talks freely only to his mother and wife.. a young reserved guy.. i owe him..

He welcomed me with a wide mouth.. which i felt the depth of it in his eyes.. a real speaking eye.. he took me home in his two wheeler.. in the mean time.. i recorded in my head everything around me on the way.. the traffic was so fussy.. the city was crowded.. people running.. walking.. everyone busy!! so many sky high buildings on work.. and i felt the temperature is quite higher than my place.. the ride was almost empty.. we didn't spoke anything..

We reached a pale green color painted two storied house with lot of flowers hanging and potted everywhere.. i had a love at first sight feeling towards that house trust me.. it was a colony for customs officers and all around were those kind of hi fi people.. and i remembered i never had lived in sucha neighborhood so far..

Face 2
Aunty Indhu: The person who ran with a hug on the spot i put my foot there.. to be honest she looked younger than me.. :) she was the person who had been with me with all support and was a good friend of mine in the days i lived there.. the one who understood that i was bleeding because of the unwanted strictness everyone had towards me.. the one who finally helped me to escape to freedom from at least somewhere.. the one who still calls me and never said a word bad about me.. one who really missed me..

the very next day after reaching Cochin i was taken to Mr. Binoy's consultancy..he scanned me up and down and gave an approving smile to my uncle.. i was really sure about how i looked.. i was confident.. regardless of the little fluffiness.. i was all good for a travel professional.. i visited IDT on a good morning with ma uncle.. at about exactly at 10 i was there in place.. two guys were there and a seat was vacant next to them.. i already counted it as my seat.. i passed the interview with great ease.. they just wanted to check how fast my tongue moved with English..

Face 3
Madhu (Madz)The first guy with whom i felt a trace of crush after reaching Cochin.. the one who was cute, caring, kind and besides owns a beautiful voice.. who sings a lot.. the one who teached me the basics of this industry , who helped me through every hard times while workin in IDT.. who used to bring cakes and things when ever he lands back from dubai.. who still is in touch with me..

i must say it somewhere before i die.. those beginning days of my career was wonderful.. even though i didnt had any friend in here i was happy.. i was enjoying the solitude.. i enjoyed my lonely times at "Kaloor coffeehouse" a simple.. less crowded place..

when i was in my 11th i opened my first email account in rediff.. the year is 2004.. it was a shame in between my mates to not have an email id.. to be a person who dont have a chat friend and one who dont know about the basics of the cyber things was considered as IDIOTS!! so.. i was forced to create one.. the id was "sweetdil@rediffmail.com" (forgot the password and myt ve got expired..)..and i named me a fake one but stylish.. "Niharika Varma".. and also put a nick name for myself as niha.. :) i randomly added friends whom i saw in the kerala chat group..(mostly girls :P)..

Face 4
Alpha (sosha), i would bow to the technology for the treasure i got from rediffbol chat.. the one who many a times comfort me when i was in bad times.. the one with whom i shared my daily things and happening.. who made me felt lite.. who supported me at many times even tough the mistake was from my side.. :) :P..

i had her in ma chat list even before i came to Cochin.. but some irritated first days at work made me log in my chat and share the stupidities of mine which redden the faces of my colleagues sometimes with anger some other times terribly laughing at my blunders!!and god connected us with a single click on the curser.. the mild friendship molded in to a ticker one..

i always thot it was great to share our personal problems with the very strangers.. chat really helped me go happy.. some kind of a tread started to grow in between us and knotted us to an unbreakable relationship.. the reasons y i choose this way is she doesn't know me.. she hadn't seen me.. so she wont understand who i am even if we crossed our paths unknowingly many times..my face was always a cloud for her and she would never be able to criticize or laugh at the mistakes i did and the problems i have..after one year reaching Cochin.. we talked on fon first and later met for her birthday..

after somedays of chating with sosha i got another freind thats chako..

Face 5
Hanish Antony Arthur(chako) initially was alpha's chat friend and later became mine too.. the one who is soo much home sick.. one who had count less ways to resolve problems .. hardworking.. who came up to help me getting new job.. but i never accepted a single one.. who kept on updating me about the openings and things related to the great Travel industry.. whom i haven't still met.. yet consider me and alpha as his best friends..

it was me who put names for three of us.. soshaamma for alpha, chakochen for hanish and maryaamma for me.. :)

the next thing which i cant forget in ma life time is the hostel life i had for almost 1 and 1/2 years.. i got several friends from there.. being my parents away for sucha miles.. traveling every week was impossible.. and just like today.. my life was worst then the beggars after the first week of every month.. :) because of this reasons the hostel became my home, my roommates became my family..and the other room inmates became my neighbors..

it was after almost a 5 months from the joining of work.. another girl got selected as our accountant..

Face 6
Chandana (chandu), who was just a colleague for the first days.. then became my best friend.. the with each day that passed.. became my sister and later on became too possessive that she hated everyone who i cared.. who was there with me in doing the naughtiest of pranks which made my that time life full of laughter..

we joined the hostel together and we seemed like real sisters for the rest of the roomates..we got room form the oldest block of the missionary buildings just next to the st. Francis Xavier church.. 9 of us shared a single long room with wooden flooring and french windows... which is now a dream for me.. the place made me feel like i am not living-being but something in the fairy.. 9 different people from different places with different attitudes doing different things lived peacefully inside that "historic" block.. none of the nuns cared us.. as they thot we are cheap coz that was the cheapest block in there.. :) but i must say.. we were the greatest pranksters in the history of that hostel.. the world was really upside down with the 9 cracky chicks..

on the day we went to check on the rooms before joining.. the entire hostel was deserted since it was a working day and we went bunking the office hours.. the room was empty except a lean girl with silky hair.. who was woken up by the hostel-in-charge.. and was weirdly smiling at the strangers who entered her room without any notice..

thats she..

Face 7
Anitta(ani), no words to write about this girl.. we both are well known for our birthdays mine is on July 28th and hers on July 29th.. it comes in a different way with ani.. just brilliant shes.. highly helpful.. soaks herself in everyone's tears, who can never with stand people she loves to be in trouble.. gracious like an angel!! i must say..

she was very talkative and behaved as if she is the all in all..yes she was.. she was the hostel-leader.. and in a week we both knew everything about each other..

apart from her i got some special characters like cheemu and loose..

Face 8
Cheemu (srilatha), my another room mate tiny as a doll.. and cute as a duckling.. so tender and loving.. who was just opposite to me in size but was like my sayami.. always sticked beside me :) :)

Face 9
Liz Baby (loose), the third one.. the reason why i always remembers is that.. she was our story teller., who was so crazy abt harry potter that each and every lines of every books were by heart to her and she would stay awake the whole night even if you ask her to repeat the stories.. shes just soo good.. and it was so nice of her that she used to allow me to hold her hands while sleeping when ever i felt scared.. :)

i will never forget adv. soumya, elsy teacher, savitha, (ammu, renu, munni, achu)- the NUALS students..who will be advocates by next year.. the bracketed ones are still in contact.. and they never forgets to wish me on my birthday..

after 2years of my job in IDT.. everyone who worked with me in the beginning days left the company.. madhu, sinoj,sethu lakshnmi, chandana, ajimol, brijesh, saritha, archana, jinitha.. then was the turn of new people..

Face 10
George (Gorgeous) i dont know if we both consider each other as friends.. i have never said to anyone that hes ma friend.. just ma colleague.. but i must say it now- here.. YES HE WAS/IS MY FRIEND.. who still keeps helping even after i give dozens of troubles to him.. who was so innocent that many of the people takes advantage of him.. who used to bring what ever things we asked him to buy even though his pocket had a few grains.. and i never had given a thanks to him... here is a big THANKS for you gorgeous!!

Face 11
Sharmil (chammu) another one from IDT.. who knows every secrets of mine.. he he.. the one who kept a certain time of her day just to have a talk with me.. with whom i bunked the office hours and enjoyed crazy useless shopping's and ate a lot of dirty stuffs.. :) who always shared the half portion of her lunch with me which she brought from home .. with whom a few times i had fought.. but that never lasted more than 2 days..

the next segment of my life is my journey... the unforgettable train journeys.. where half a dozen of paths crossed and i got my lovely girls who are around me now!!

being back to staying home was like heaven for me.. i missed my parents and my brothers like anything in the world.. even though taking a shift from the hostel cracked a bit inside me..

travel was something which i least did and really loved.. and here i am with the "season ticket" for an eternity!! the word really fits here "eternity" those days would never die..

Face 12
Reshmi(resh) the extrovert girl..whom i felt like talking in the first days of my train journey..she looked bold..and some what same as me..character wise..out spoken..even without any introduction i made out that shes a "Journalist".. hats off to her will power.. a true friend.. talks uncontrollably without a full stop.. who sometimes behaves like a stupid.. :) but i love you..resh,, u are great!!

Face 13
Seemol (see), another of the just above kind.. the second person i felt to make friends during the travel..whos outfits, though minimal gave me an on the spot idea that she wud be a fashion designer.. who had a life similar to mine.. who is very responsible.. who have the great power to bite any pain so easily as a muffin.. soo caring.. who just have very few number of friends and who treasures me as a jewel and we kootharas, as her very part of life..

Face 14/15/16
Soumya (munnu)/ Anju (pangu)/ Shreepriya (paachu)

i dont have anything to write.. words really cant convey what i feels for u three.. just want u all always.. if there is another life ahead.. in what ever forms.. koothars should be together like this.. FOREVER..!!

4 and a half year old with cochin.. i felt saturated with the same work.. a 1650 days in the same place.. same room ..around same things.. in the same chair.. looking at the same computer.. ran me sick like hell.. i became so much like a nerd.. became lost in thoughts.. so much lazy.. and i developed myself a half obese..

som people area real crazy,, a handsome guy..as i said above.. following an obese girl first with a friendship request then with a proposal and that too on the roads.. how funny..??

Face 17
Fawaz Fardeen, who had irritated me, i dont know how many times on the roads.. following me all the way to my office and later proposed me.. the thing for which i would thank him is for the help he did when i was down during the accident i met with on 23rd Dec 2010.. thanks for recognizing me amidst the stunned crowd who kept their faces in question mark, whether to help or not.. fearing the problems they could face if someone go forward with a case.. thank you..thats for calling out my name.. and for directing the vehicle people to take me to the hospital for firs aid.. tanks a lot..

the fourth and final stage of my life in cochin.. the packing back from home to another hostel life.. was really a pain.. but my purse did hunger for the colored notes.. living a good life is always difficult without money.. this took me back to my old shoes.. and i joined DT (deleted an "I" from the IDT) another tour firm.. well reputed.. a fortune for me..!!

finding a comfortable place to live became a tough task in Cochin and hence i kept on changing the hostels until i got a value for money/ hygienic place.. it was from there i met the another "avatar" huh!!

Face 18
Neethu (peekiri).. the lil pie.. more than a friend..shes ma lil sis.. :) whom i met a year ago from another hostel.. whos tongue is bigger than her itself.. :P the one person who keeps me away from my tensions.. literally speaking.. she was ma radio player.. who makes me wonder with her facial expressions and unwanted spontaneous giggles for nothing.. :) shes just a mad creature.. but i will miss her always..

These are the people who wud always hung on the dash board of my mind.. the people with whom i feels to live again in the way i had.. the people who really had touched my heart with their wand.. who will always remain there cemented until god takes the breath away from me..

i love you all... may be in different ways.. but my big thanks to all of you to play those roles god assigned you all in a very tender way that.. even now while writing this...my stomach crouch with the feeling of...kinda pain of missing u all so hard like anything..

keep in touch...

Take time

Most people are rushing their way through life. They fail to take the time necessary to nurture their relationships, feed their mind, relax their body or get in touch with their soul's desire for freedom and peace.

Life moves relentlessly forward one day at a time, and there is nothing any of us can do to stop it or slow it down.

We are all getting older every day, but we don't have to grow older every day.Taking time to daydream, visit a friend, watch your children grow, or just play in your garden is time well-spent. There is a rush to tomorrow by all of us. We are being prodded into the future by faster computers, shorter delivery times, and a general need to have it, do it, and see it all: NOW!

Take time today for yourself. Take time to breathe in life, all of it: its color, splendor, smells, tastes, and sounds. From the smallest most insignificant event to the things you have taken for granted.

Tomorrow will be here before you know it. Today will be a distant memory before you realize it. We create our futures and memories in the present.

Go through life today, conscious of your surroundings.

Why not take a long weekend walking through nature? There are a lot of lessons that nature can teach us, if we will only carefully observe and listen.

Today is a gift of life. Live it with gratitude and don't let the sun set today without seeing it, embracing it, and enjoying it. Why are you in such a rush anyway? Is it because you:

1. Feel you have to do or have everything now?

2. Believe there isn't enough time for all that is important in life?

3. Are under some psychological pressure (self imposed) to achieve?

4. Are under pressure from some outside source spouse, parent, friend etc.?

You can't have it all, do it all, learn it all, see it all, become it all,teach it all, in one lifetime so why frustrate yourself and those who are in your immediate life circle with this relentless drive for whatever.

Not suggesting "vegetable status" here. Only asking you to evaluate your life philosophy and this need for something - that is missing in your life - and trying to make up for it by an over zealous push for something, anything.

One way to determine where you fit on this do nothing to trying to do everything continuum is to honestly get in touch with your ability to do NOTHING. Just sit or walk and reflect. No agenda, no deadline, just a laid back approach to life once and a while.


Love u all

Everything happens for a reason..

After a long break..lot of things happened in between..every time wen i open the blog, i wish i could write something..but the truth i cannot scrible anything...

As everyone knows, my marriage is fixed yet another turning point..i have heard people saying that the gap b/w engagement n marriage is like a dreamy world..the time wen we enjoy the most..but for me its not like that..For me, iam tensed ..nervous..don't know how to explain the present scenario..Iam afraid to get married...

I wish i could see my parents n bros happy seeing my future life..Anyways as we always believe everything happens for a reason..Let this be justified..

Love u all...

a new EYE!!

to inform every kootharas!!!!

today i started using contact lenses instead of the old black spectacles...

feeling great to have erased the square frame which i kept taking where ever i go.. i never have seen anything with my naked eyes like this before.. i think so..

the frame through which i have seen all the sorrows and bad times of my past.. through which i have seen the worst of humans.. the thing which many a times blurred my vision with the kohl mixed tears of my own eyes.. :(

a change is necessary for everything,, yes that's the fact!!

lemme just dumb with the old spectacle all the bad scenes that flipped in front of me..in the dust bin and close it forever..

m feeling like a new born..really... like m seeing each and everything with the most innocent curiosity.. i can read myself.. its just excellent!!

i wish i really have one.. good eye like all of you...at the same time.. i thank god.. that he didnt leave me with a black world all around me.. even though i am half blind..and can see only things which are very closer..

There still are many in this world who lives always through night who would never be able to differentiate the beauty of sun light and the shining stars..

I am blessed!!

love you god...