Silent Screams..

Incredible India..!! literally India was incredible but not anymore..i was always been so proud to be an Indian  who by birth itself gets a tag for having a rich culture and heritage.. well to talk about these too points we Indians have thousand tongues.. and there isnt any need to exaggerate but we forgets ourselves explaining and explaining.. But today I feel ashame..i feel insecure..and pathetic for trying to understand the fact that a few of my fellow countrymen are dead and a lot of them are badly injured and critically hospitalized..

The series of bomb blasts that continued to happen in our country. This is what that took all my feelings towards my own country.. To the country who gives place for its own traitors to live in.. India is an Independent country but still in the arms of terrorism and corruption.. we are all used to the latter one and as it dont demand a human life to be sacrificed we were ready to keep our eyes closed before it.. but terrorism is unacceptable.. This is our country, this where our ancestry belongs to and this is our motherland..we thought this is the only place we are safe in the whole world.. We pay tax, we vote for the rulers and what we get in return is thorns and hurling stones upon us that wound is in depth and bleeds for a life time.. we lose our love, mother, father, brother, sister, friends when ever some insane group of humans make terror blasting their explosive weapons.. I dont blame them..when given support who wont take advantage..?? In sucha big nation, which has the "Third largest standing army in the world" and ranks "Seventh in the military expenditure". USA being currently the only Superpower, India is one among the 6 BIG countries who are rapidly growing with their markets, military strength and economic potential on the line to attain the Superpower status.

[India possesses nuclear weapons and maintains short- and intermediate-range ballistic missiles, nuclear-capable aircraft, surface ships, and submarines ]

We have everything in hand and the support of 1,210,193,422 people, whats more is required. look at the size of human power which place us on the 2nd highest in the world.. It shouldn't be taken in that sense that yeah we have more than enough populated here..let a few get burned and killed..when one kills that means an atom in the Indian substance is lost..its a loss and in the past few years this loss continues and no proper actions to keep it in its original shape has been taken.. we lack monitoring..we lack a good system.. i know its difficult to collapse the existing old-worn-system in a snap..there are millions of hungry tummys but are we doing something honestly to help them from their starvings..?? No!! then where is it going?? to the pockets of the treasurers..?? where ever it is.. its time to change the old stands.. lets stop thinking about "me" and "my family" lets just fucking start thinking about "my country".. i dont have a shit in my bank account..but when i have something i try my best to share it with another whom i have never seen before but sure knew that he and me had grown from the same mud..from the chest of the same country.. this is a minute or a fraction of the minute of goodness that i am trying to do for my fellow countrymen.. i am proud about myself and those people i know of who do this smallest kindest act.. i bow them with all the integrity secured in my heart.. i dont deny this that there are rich people who do it richly. if i am feeding one stomach with one meal they might be doing it regularly or some are doing it for a big amount of people monthly..there are people sponsoring poor kids but i am definite about this fact too that not everyone are doing this.. whats is wrong in it..?? lets start imagining ourselves being a beggar or a highly diseased, leprotic..how painful that feeling would be..that pain we struggled to keep inside us when we find someone eating a delicious food while we haven't eaten for a couple of weeks.. that craving..that flushed saliva in our mouth wanting to have at least a piece of bread or to drink a drop of water.. imagine..imagine the pain we go through when we get a wound on our finger..imagine big, when we fall from the steps to the floor..imagine it to the farthest extreme.. having us being stabbed by a knife..we feel suffocated even while watching it someone doing in the movies.. then imagine the pain of someone who dont have money to cure major diseases like cancer, aids and etc..

Its Pitiful..that even in the most read/reading e-magazine/encyclopedia called Wikipedia explains India with a line of heart aching drawbacks [ it continues to face the challenges of poverty, illiteracy,corruption, malnutrition, inadequate public healthcare, and terrorism.] can any expect me to be 100% proud for being a citizen of a country categorized this way..?? Historic India had an outstanding ruling system..we followed the rules and regulations strictly may be because everyone knew how torturous the punishment would be.. its in a single hard hand that controlled everything which was a good thing.. Fear is the best treatment. Where there is no fear you can do any nasty thing that you feels to. When you have impeccable strength and goodness in you, then you will be positioned in that place that every levels of the followers can see you heading..and they will follow you with their eyes closed.. and the most saddest thing is this that, there is no such good leaders for us to believe blindly..

This happens continuously , the enemies succeed their mission various times..then what worth the lives our soldiers sacrificed for years protecting us in the boundaries..during their unslept..uneaten.. thirsty days and nights holding the guns and standing still vigilant for days and weeks..sometimes months means.. they are fooled..their souls would regret..we should not allow that to happen any longer any more..This is our country..we are Indian Hindhus, Indian Muslims, Indian Christians, Indian Jews, Indian Jain, Indian Buddhist and Indian Sikhs.. we are ultimately "just  Indians".. lets not support our enemy clan.. lets protect ourselves.. lets save our country.. you might have given shelter to the enemies but not from now on.. change yourself.. be in the way of God and dont cheat your own country.. die hundred times to hang one enemy.. they deserves it.. those who do bad for the humankind must be punished and those who support them must be fired as well.. No more innocent blood shed.. No more crimes towards our motherland.. One life..live honestly, compassionately, fearlessly and die painlessly..

"Bharathmatha Ki Jai"

+Dilroop Kurikkalot,

Those true EteRnal feelings...

Love. there cant be any other topic to write today..being a lover myself..being a true believe of love..who had seen it felt it and understood it.. Love was always on the top, and there is not a single human who are born that never had felt this emotion at least once in life..

Its Valentine's day. don't know why i feel this is my first valentines day with him. our marriage was in the month of Jan and this special day is in Feb..i am wondering, in which world i was last year at this time.. Yes i was lost..lost in the world of the most purest unconditional love..and i really enjoyed every sweet drops of it..i was like a new born in love and this year i am a year old and my heart matured, i dont like it to be that way but it just happened but the love, that kept growing like a big fat boy.. :)

Today i want to rewind or go back or to turn the time back to those days when it just bloomed, when the souls just got that lite flame of loves fire.. yes fire that grows and grows deeply which cant be ceased, which will never stop blazing in the hearts of those who carry the real, true feelings..

Love can catch you from any where, in the street, in the bus, in a super market, in a coffee shop, in a library anywhere if you are destined to..all you have to do is to get your eyes locked accidentally that will make you immovable..building an unseen link which shares each and everything hidden under the mask of your face and  in a moment you feel your heart pound loud.. because its not just yours but your loves too..in that moment you forgets the world around you..just read the stories in his/her eyes taking the halves of happiness and sadness and all that is inside..you will feel the goosebumps over your skin which gets severe..dry leafs flying in the air and the wind blowing all around..Loves beauty is immaculate..

As i told, love can happen anywhere .now a days in internet too, which i consider is the truest form of it..two people fell in love without seeing, without knowing with a complete unknown.. those who succeeded internet/ciber love is the most powerful ones..it is a proof for the fact that love happens in between two souls not two bodies..i am a captive of this form of it..only difference was that he loved me even before i knew of it..before years and kept it..secure it and gave it when god allowed the right time for him..i am blessed.. love is a blessing.. there are tons of humans who kill themselves for this.. so you know how important it is.. and how badly it thrall the human minds.. no matter who he or she is..how big, beautiful, stressful, virtuous we are.. it simply happens and your puzzled life will be changed..

2001, i was in my 8th standard and i happen to attend my cousins cousins pre-marriage-night-party..in the blue and gold frock that my mom tailored it for me..she had that habit of  dressing me up with her own ideas and she continued it even i reach as tall as her.. :) no wonder, for a mother, her children don't grow.. just their sizes change.. i attended the function with my dad and my little brother.. i was so nervous as i know there are a lot of boys who would stalk me, tease me and make me cry.. it happened before a couple of times.. my lil bro got engaged playing with his aged buddies in there and my dad too got occupied chatting with the people he know, in fact the elder people in that house are his cousins too.. i drew me back from the crowd and placed me in the empty hall..i was full in tension thinking about the guy who follows me after school.. the one who had an innocent face and beautiful smile with those sharp upper fangs on both sides.. his letter that had pink ink writings.. a few words that seemed passed straight from his heart to the point of the pen with a mixture of couple of lines from the band, back street boys latest song (Although loneliness has always been a friend of mine, I'm leavin' my life in your hands, People say I'm crazy and that I am blind, Risking it all in a glance, And how you got me blind is still a mystery, I can't get you out of my head..)i was confused, whether to neglect or receive his love..whether it was true or fake.. but the words he says simply vaporized me.. it was a first experience for me and i just didn't know what to answer him.. Sometimes intuitions play a vital role in life..i was longs lost in the thoughts and suddenly someones sight made it uneazy to continue with it..it might have been a very strong one.. i checked around and found a mess of humans laughing talking and doing a lot of things they wish all over there.. someone was staring and i couldn't catch up..it became irritated and i get on with my that style of sitting.. with ma heads bend down..

A few days after that marriage, on a weekend when i go stay at my cousins place, she teased me saying, "gorgeous you made two guys fall by that days visit to the party, one was the brother of the bride.." now who knows he is, but she absentmindedly mentioned his name and i know him i have seen him too in schools.. that serious looking, quite, lean guy.. a couple of times i had just said my friend that he is my cousin.. just to attain a position cause he is a full time member in school politics..

Years passed technologies grow, people got crazy in social networking and for an escape from the head aching tasks i also decided to open an account in it, i got engaged in increasing the number of friends and i clashed up on adding this guy, Dilroop. he was the first guy who had ever declined my request, a really charming profile with the cropped image of my kholed eyes..as i am used to use spectacles always, it looks bad when i remove it coz that part of my face dont match with other parts, kind of a damn mismatch like someone had cut a portion of someones eyes and fixed on my face..but when i cropped it alone..it looked beautiful..when he decline my request i felt it like a small slap on my face..i resent the request but for so many days he didnt respond..my eagerness grew, i had that long back hint in my mind that this guy once loved me..and now why hes behaving like this..i scanned his profile, his relationship status was single and interested in men only..i don't know why but felt a kind of relief..i asked myself why i was behaving that way..i kept monitoring his profile..scraps, updates and photos and then i found a photo of him holding a white girl in a blue dress dancing..a tint of jealous ran through from somewhere in my mind, but then i thought why am i bothered about it and simply commented on it.."is that your girlfriend..??"..the very next day..i got an update that this guy accepted me and a scrap in my scrapbook saying " i don't have any girl friend" and surprisingly i checked his album once again and the image was deleted.. :) an unknown happiness glared across my face and that's how we started chatting..in the beginning sharing a few scraps..every morning i simply get enthusiastic to open orkut and check the scrapbook and i would find at least one from him..through this conversation i came to know that in his office all these kind of things are banned during working hours so he messages me after reaching home..suddenly i became interested in going to office..i prepared words to share with him while i brush, bath, eat and walk..But i was not ready to accept the truth that it was love..

The eagerness, the uneasiness and the irritation boiled up..the tension the worry the unslept thought full nights,  the care..all this made a mix and gave me a ache at the center of the chest ..a sweet pain that made my each breath heavy.. i was suffocated with Love.. the man i had hardly seen a couple of times in the past. Who knows how he looks like now..i wondered if he still have that rudeness in his face.. the silence that caged his every feelings.. at the same time when i was undergoing this stress i refused to convert this friendship to the next step..we shared everything that happens in our life everyday through chat and suddenly we were completely updated about each other to each other.. even when it was banned in his office to use personal chats he took risk and started doing it for he wanted ma presence somehow and i realized it.. after a few days he disclosed me about a girl he loves. at first when i heard it i was hit with utter disappointment but then a belief strengthen in me that it cant be none other than me.. i wanted him to spit the truth out but he wanted me to ask him..all that he said matched me.. i was 99% sure but 1% still troubled me and i continued to get it out from him.. on a fine day while chatting, mistaking the word 'no' as 'no.' he gave me his number.. :) i still doubt that it was his trick.. but it looked like fun and in the next instance he asked me for mine.. i dint give..but i saved his name as 1. DK (its still the same in my mobile :) )

Some kind of mystery started to heat  in me and the blush, that slight pink stain that love fix on the cheek and that one bright light in the eyes that feelings creates made my friends doubt me..they never wanted me to fall in love cause we including me believed that love spoils people but then when i have him all my philosophies crushed apart in to a thousand bits.. i hid it from them for so long.. i being quite, lost in dreams not making any fuss made them irritated..the very Sunday after getting his number a kind of urge pushed me from my back to dial his number and give a ring.. holidays become the worst days of my life.. i withdraw me from the usual hangouts with my friends and that made them more angry.. i dreamed and slept, wake up and dialed then disconnect before it could have a single ring.. i waited for him to ask me again for my number but he didnt..i wished he would get my number from our cousins and would call me but he didnt..this made me desperate..but after some days he asked me again..he told he just want to sent messages and wont talk..my heart beat as if it will break out with happiness and i passed him my number..but he bluffed..the same day he called me and i couldn't stop me from picking the call..my hands shivered..for some seconds i could hear only his breaths and i noticed that i am responding the same way..i was worried how hard my voice would be heard through the phone and feared whether he would like it or not and so on..i corrected my throat a couple of times and then from the other side "hellon" :P that slightly rough, manly but cute voice traveled through my ears to all over me i literally felt it with my eyes open wide indulging in the waves of that voice which carried that one single word.. with a husky fearful tumbling vote i gave a "hellow" back.. "uuuuuuuuuffffffff renikutty..." this was the next from him and the love, care, affection and all those feeling that he protected in a shell inside him melted and dripped in extensively to me.. i could swim like a swan in it and just escape from this world with him to somewhere where there is only me and him.. his every words strucked in me like an arrow.. he explained me everything that came out like thousand colorful beautiful caged butterflies break the lid and come out of the jar..for these years he kept pushing it tight in, so that it would never come out and then when i am in his life again the frozen emotions cracked and flooded..i simply listened and blamed me for not being able to find the true love of my life from the time it took birth..its been 7 long years..but then we should accept that it has a particular time for things to happen..we kept texting, chatting but we spoke only for a few minutes before sleep..he wakes me in the morning with a ring and all these came under our routine..

We text each other every time and thanks to the service providers, they brought new offers up that supported us texting is a very nice way to open our heart..words danced on my finger tips and i could write words incomparable to any written poems.. :) love sweeped  the dust off from the unknown abilities of mine that existed somewhere inside me..i worked in between kept an ear for an sms beep..i made up reasons to write to him and everything changed in my life.. we started to have lunch together but from two different places.. Love never hold you in a single place, when you get one it demands the next, when the next is in hand it demands the other and the demands just roll out like a big lengthy list..i wanted to see him..to have a look in to his eyes and steal all that is in there.. i wanted to see his smile..i wanted to know his smell..i wanted to feel his warmth.. being a girl and taking an initiative did'nt sound practical for me..but as if god had listened to me something happened that could help us to meet up..though, it was an unpleasant circumstance.. He had to come to my place as one of his uncles was hospitalized.. and the day when he was boarding the bus to Cochin he called and informed me this.." i am coming there to see an uncle of mine. hes hospitalized, i am not sure if i can spare some time for us but i will surely try.." i just was so excited..the first thing that i did was run straight to the mirror..i checked my face one organ after one so keenly like a chemist or scientist or astronomer.. :D..oww my eye brows were grown and i was suppose to go do it this weekend but for tomorrow i should look pretty and what i did was simply shave with a razor blade..rest all was fine..then i opened my wardrobe and check on all of my cloths.. he wanted me to be simple..he hated make up.. he likes lite shades and so i choose a lite lavender and off-white kameez.. i couldn't sleep that night..as he was travelling he couldn't sleep as well.. we texted until i fell asleep but by them it was close to dawn..i wake up and groomed me..as simple as possible..i left my dark shads of lipsticks and applied a lite watery lip glow and a thin layer of kohl, my hair was left like that as it was trimmed..a very gorgeous short layers.. i checked my toe and applied a lite shade of polish..a wooden bangle on one hand and a big sporty watch on the other.. i looked nice..but still i wasnt confident..i was thinking that this guy is from a big city and he might have seen the most loveliest girls in there and ow would i  please him..??then i calmed me, i knew all this,,but i also know that he loves me regardless of the fact that he could get better girls as he had everything that a girl would expect of.. i took leave after lunch..but as boss was not there i waited for his call so that i can leave from there..after some time he called and asked me about any place that i know of where we could meet..we both were confused..he had his friends with him, among them had one of our other cousin..after a few unsuccessful calls in which we  discussed and decided but not being able to confirm our cousin had to suggest a place and they fixed it for Grand Hotel..one of the oldest but finest hotels in that city..

i waved everyone in my office, checked my face in the glass for the last time and left, caught a rikshaw and give directions to the driver..i was feeling nauseous and was sweating..my heart was thumping and i could hear it..my breaths become even heavy and i struggle to gulp in some air to keep me alive..i gasped and then to make my breathing steady i took a few oral inhale-exhalation.. i collected all my hairs and hold it in one side with a hand in tight to avoid a mess and then loosen it when i reach just before the entrance of the hotel..i paid for the ride and turned to find him..in an off- white human faced t-shirt and blue jean..:) look at the coincidence we both were in the same color..this is love..it connects through your heart no matter at which end of the world you are..and passes thoughts through intuitions.. we ran our eyes here and there for some time with sort of diffidence or impatience or something and then in between the hello-hi's it collide..that made us still for a few minutes..for the first time in life i too felt that enigmatic, mysterious, passionate, strange and unusual grip that hold me to the earth at the same time leaving a feeling that there is nothing under my foot..i was in the air..weightless..breathless and it was beautiful.. his big long lashed eyes took my soul from me..it simply made me unmovable..i found the idol of love in him and i vow to worship it for the rest of my life..the texts, those beautiful words those feelings those needs all splashed in my head and i felt i was spinning and would go unconscious in the relish of heat that his presence had brought. we approached together towards a circled table with four of them seated and staring us in anguish..no one would recognize us as we have met just now..we looked as close as those in a pretty old relationship.. it just occurred that way naturally..at this point i wanted to pause my life and live it for eternity.. i dont want it to end ever.. i wanted to die that way that day so that the last breath that i take would give me his odor and the last memory of me n him..and my life after death would remain  perfect..The sand in the hour glass kept draining and each grain in it took away those lovely moments that i never wanted to stop..food ordered for me rested on the table untouched..i was full with that hot sweet corn chicken soup that helped me burn the air that stuck in my trachea tube and made it easy.. i finished it in no time and the guys were surprised..an urge to touch his hand made me uneasy again..i calculated things in my head about my actions and moves..just to know how warm he would be..i tried to erase this though from my mind but my mind was wicked a 10 times more than me..it cling on to it and bullshit, when he was handing over the ice cream bowl..intentionally i placed a few fingers upon his..i dont know if he or anyother there noticed it..but the tips of his fingers were ice cold..to have that ice cream was really interesting my mischievous mind danced and jumped and rolled with merry inside me..i was sure about one thing..that my cheeks might have blushed..it happens whenever i keep some personal secrets..

a world of our own..!!

He promised me to drop me back to my office. by then it was time for me to catch the train..i waved to his friends and then we caught a rikshaw..he allowed me to get in first and i obeyed him..we sit in the extreme ends even i wished to have his hands around my shoulder, i always believed it to be the most caring posture in the world..after a few minutes of silence he turned to me and lit a conversation..casual things and then i find his face turned to watch the outside views but i knew something was running in his head..his eyes fixed in a position but was not watching anything..i realized his mind was acting in the same way as mine did inside the restaurant.. he turned to me his eyes crooked, brows wrinkled down and bit lips as if to control a smile.. he held his right hand across his down-half of face keeping his index finger above his upper lips and rest of the finger down the chin..that made me make out that he surely was planing something..and the bloody me was waiting for his actions..in a fast quite husky throaty voice he asked me if i would allow him to hold my hand..:) i was kinda shocked with my jaws open down..without getting a reply from me, he grasped my hands and encased mine in both his palms..only the tip of his fingers were cold..but the center it was warm and soft like a sweater.. my heart thumped again..like a rushing train..he bend his head and adored my hand for some time and to make me paralyze he planted a kiss on the back of my palms..his warm breath fondled my skin a few times..the smack of the kiss made me deaf and my hands shivered.. my eyes widen in astonishment with disbelief..it was so unexpected and unexplainable..my hands become as soft and moist as butter..and i quickly took it back..it might be a reflex action..soon after this i felt my senses ditched me..i wanted it to be cuddled in his palms as long as it can stay that way..since i took it back he thought i felt what he did was implausible..but it was not true..i wanted to tell it to him because i don't want him to carry that guilt any longer..the rest of the travel he kept his face outside blowing in some fresh air..i felt sad..i want to go with him..live with him..but i know this is not the time..and it is impossible..i opened my eyes to reality and it was time for the departure..we paid for the rikshaw and get inside the station..trains are coming and going..we stood at the coach position of mine in the first platform..he walked ahead me for a few steps..i fasten my steps to reach him and hold his hand..he turned his face to meet mine..he smiled and i smiled back..

We have shared and enjoyed the most purest and deepest love together for a few years..and the strength of our love made us strong to battle for success..we had gone through difficulties but faced it together..and even we are no longer in the safer road now..our paths are filled with thorns and the storm of struggle is stroking us..we never mind it, because we have always had each others hand that uplifted us when we were down..that supported us when we were tired..that guided us when we were confused..that kept us healthier to fell again and again in love with each other through every single day that passed..the great things about us is that we are in Love.. truly, madly, deeply...



Happy Valentine's Day my Love..  +Dilroop Kurikkalot 

The unexpected bride..

 Unexpected. This can happen any time in anyone's life in different forms, sometimes good, surprising and welcoming other times sad and disappointing.. But whatsoever should happen will definitely happen at any cost..you cant stop it..

ever since our marriage, we were all waiting for the next big occasion to celebrate, sucha big family with infinite number of members made it an era of never ending joy..birthdays, anniversaries, engagements, weddings and so on..lifes been upgraded to a new look..its fun.. apart from all other occasions the one more important and awaited will always be a Marriage..as i was the bride last time, the heroin of the show i hardly could enjoy the way the others did.. organizing and stuffs.. dressing the bride.. shopping.. a long list.. :) i was watching it all while the others did it and i badly wanted me in among them very soon..glitz and glitters..wow!!

i was married and taken to the ancestral home of the family and that made the difference.. we always have people coming and going and you wont get a time to check your clock clicks.. lifes lightning fast in there and i  gradually merged in the system and love it.. its fun.. and i was granted a position in there.. which is really super cool.. about 15 people living together and a few kids around playing in the big front yard, running, falling, getting up and the same process for a dozen of times..mixed with loud laughs and giggles.. no time you can save when u watch the kids do this.. its a priceless sight.. a few of the other members of the family are staying in their own houses near-by, a few abroad and a few in other states and districts..

for the elder people feels the next kids on the line is not grown enough to get married and didnt bother their thoughts that much..things were smooth for some while until a phone call smack and disrupt the calmness..The youngest uncles son, who was working in Dubai was arriving, which could be a happy news but with a girl was totally devastating breaking the hopes of everyone.. he being a thoughtful one doing this kind of an act made everyone confused.. they registered their marriage for a guarantee so that nothing would happen to their relationship if everyone oppose.. i thought he could inform his father who would sacrifice anything for his children.. it was a hit on the head for everyone in that house and the message about this incident spread like wild-fire.. no one neglected, questioned and argued but accepted them.. his bend face flamed in guilt not for what he did but for the consequence of it, for hurting the elders, his father in particular

The girl who was a little taller than him looked brave, for love makes the weak the strong..initially every one had a negative impression on her that she had done an unwise thing to herself and cheated her family who had brought her up. even though the family is modern than any other such aristocratic families in the place they still hold the unbroken thread of orthodoxy.. the wind of worries agonies and cries blew across the family..and then the intelligent ones came up with  sensible thoughts and  the ravishing waves quieten..its his life and he have to decide..

Indians got a special emotion towards daughters and sisters, not others's but to their own ones to be literal. At some age they will be sent married to some other family whom the elder people choose or like. The daughters/sisters had no right to talk, opinion or decide, all this will be the sole authority of the man or women elder than the eldest man. but the world is changing this part of it is gradually conquesting the west. being form an upper caste in the state she had to go through a lot of tough times in her whole life time, to add spices to the complication her father was an Ex military. Truly arrogant and aggressive. she respected him from the core of her heart. and she was completely afraid of him, as an oasis in the desert she was loved, pampered and spoiled by her elder brother whom she considered as her best friend and given a place above everything that existed in the universe until she found Jeeth.. love is sometimes  the traitor, the trickster and the villain.. love shows the faces of cowardice at some stage in everyone's life.. but then we will be blind to see it, completely mesmerized by the tricky spell of this selfish emotion..we will be enslaved and none can rescue..

for sharing all that happened, happening and going to happen with her brother she hid this single truth that mattered more than anything..the first slip of hers.. her mind shifted, at once she will approach him to confess about her love and then she will withdraw the thought fearing the reaction that can be as  terrible as an explosion..the agony grown as the matter left in her mind unopened.. and then it froze like an unmovable rock.. the glare of secrecy flashed on her face when ever she had to face him..her face tilted down every time as her mind refused to have her eyes locked in his cause that can suck in even the last minute things hidden behind it..soon on a bad day her secret affair was caught by her mother which was informed to her Ex-military father hot bake.. his anger flushed out like volcano and she was threatened not to say this truth to her brother cause at the end of the day he will do what ever her sister wish even though he will refuse in the beginning. a life threat to themselves made her totally confused, losing her parents was also not compromising for her and she decided to be defeated. she not thinking about the what will happen next gave word to her parents and they went on looking for some good alliances for their daughter.. her days become barren, she forbid her from jeeths calls and all the dreams and wishes about the both of them.. sacrificing her life for those who give her life seemed practical for her and she was satisfied..

Life wont stop no matter what happen..disasters come and go, it keeps happening in one end of the earth and the human on the other end nods with piety and go on with his business until he comes to know one of his known is involved in it to act for it..Lifes purely not in our arms..it is running in a recorded wheel that none can change..and the mere obstinacies about the caste, religion, culture, color, position, status and power is all meaningless..let it go..leave it out to them..there is no wrong in loving someone, infact it just happens..u literally fell in it and thats not ones mistake..life is short you wont know when it starts, when we reach 25 and then 50 and then become a grand parent..life runs fast..even the plant on which we live in runs at a speed of 107,000 km/hr, unimaginable isnt it.. dont hate and wait in life..keep going do things that you feel is right and correct others only when u feel they are doing wrong which can destroy that person, else let him do the wrong and learn from it so that he will think twice the next time he confront something bigger than this.. a parent has the right on their children but then when they grow enough to take their own decision they should only show the paths not to threaten then to do this and that, cause now its their life they are living which also is short..make them aware about the good and bad and right n wrong from childhood until they grow, and they will follow doing what they are thought and practiced from the beginning..this is the responsibility of a parent. If we show true responsibility they will return it when we require it..

Love conquers all.. Sir. Virgil was true.. she waved her mom for college. while on the way her mobile beeped- it was his message, he was arriving. it was what she was wanting for a couple of weeks, she wanted to return the ring the sovereign that held all her dreams about him.. giving it away would take her breath she knows but she had to do this for her parents.. with all courage she replied, "we will meet today".. she bunked her classes after lunch and waited for him at the "cafe coffee day"..  the plush dark interior , the cozy sofa and the soothing music, perfect for a date, she remembered the last meeting of theirs, when he presented this ring, a year ago. wishing the time to be still forever, wishing not to be apart anymore from now.. so many things in the mind that reach till the tip of the tongue but agitation made the words swallowed.. it was only breaths..deep sharp hard breaths that shared the words.. and then the sun cheating dwindle down the horizon..they got their awareness back, the slow breeze still cuddling them..she adored his swept back hair and  his straining eyes..he took her hands and wore it on the ring finger, hands icy cold shivering even though the the weather was humid.. they parted in two ways controlling those burping unsaid words..she turned back and he too repeatedly that made her feel like run back and hug him..while she was still lost in thoughts ,eyes stuck on the flower vase he came in, reached her, observed her and took his seat just opposite to hers..a blurred lean image interrupted her and she was surprised, he eye brows up and lips widen in happiness but in an instance something drew it back..she believed that its the last time she is seeing him in this life..he was quite as always and then bursted out everything that was under control, a flood of emotions, complaints, grief, anxiety and love flown down and everything around him stayed still.. for a moment she could see, feel and think only him for he was and would always be her world, neglecting it would be insane someone inside her said.. the ring that was curled inside her sweated arms unworn fell down with a clink that stopped him.. for a moment she recapped the past, none of the faces could hold her back, stop her from uniting with him.. stunned and shocked she could utter only this "yes, i will come with you.." his face lit up and eyes filled up.. nothing mattered the after effect in his family or hers, the question if the family will accept her..that was the moment of solace and he was enjoying it holding her hands and bending on her arms..her mind was blanked by the his love and there was no confusion, she left the cafe with him as naturally as a rain after the wind..

taking choices in life is difficult and those who dare to do it are the most courageous ones..and they are the ones who truly love themselves and their lives..

mistake. what is it? its nothing natural. its all human made. if someone make a rule and you dont follow it, that is a mistake but how can we call it so? some one makes and some other breaks..its simple.. every human are unique, my good is your bad and your sane is my insane..my right is your wrong and some others is something  else.. its all about views.. i see the moon and someone else only see the stars.. everything that is associated to human life is purely humane.. lets just leave the logic's and insanities and whatever in the air and  be liberal from every hooks and knots..

live life as you wish..but be ready to face it till the bottom line.. :) :) 

withering me

Determination and the nerve to reach up in the heights, i have it but some ingredients are missing in me. i have always been a indolent women and i get in the way of things eazily mostly with things thats more on the emotional side.. fiction reading, fantasy movie and romantic tv series.. the addiction towards all these grow faster in me..and later i will be a slave to it..i would fail stopping me from watching/thinking or reading about those stuffs. my attachment to the characters gallop effortlessly while i know i should keep leaping for my goals not just mine Our goals.. at the moment i am leading a cozy lazy life.. cooking in the morning..and then when he leaves i will help me with a good black lemon tea..switch on the computer..drop the url of the website that has all the episodes of a finished tv series..watch it again for the second time all over from the start.. and when it cross the limit with the dragging i will close it have my breakfast watch some programs mostly in travel/discover/history channels..cookery..destinations and holidays.. i am an entrepreneur and i have to hardwork to reach the level we dreamed of..i know it and my conscience is reminding me about it every time every day but i seem to care it very less.. at times i will sit in front of the computer to write stuffs in here for which i waste time to surf for exact details and then find pictures etc etc i dont know if it can bring me any good other than the long heavy payment bill..and when i get bored of this i will curl myself on the carpet, dream and sleep..wake up and have food..a couple of mugs of coffee or tea..make some easy oven items and eat it..feel like eating ice-creams or sweets..i will put on my pull over lock the doors have a walk and buy whatever i want and have it with all enthusiasm..i am behaving as if i am free..i am free out of my duties and responsibilities.. i need to be cured from the addiction first of all..sometimes twilight some other times "iss pyaar ko kya naam dhoon" do i lack romance in my marriage..?? no i dont ..then why the hell am i doing it?? i dont know.. let me see how can i help myself..i am stucked in somewhere or may be i am empty with the fuel..i need a tap or pat or push..i am feeling guilty..i am not doing to help his dream grow BIG..i dont know how to get out of this sticky situation ..!!

above all that i wrote this is the one time in my lifetime i really am enjoying a cool life.. i am just doing all the dirty insane stupid things and no one is bothered about it..!!

The one Nomadic journey @ end of the year..

it was 8:30 PM on the 29th Dec 12. the vehicle waited for more than 3 hours for us.it was impossible to sack up these guys, you grab one..you lose one. and then all set to have the last blast of the year,,we depart jolting the whole place with the good-bye roar..!! the travel was planned in some other way, after a long discussion the guys decided we all travel in a single vehicle..i was a little worried thinking that there are 4 full days to spent with them as i know they got a weird habit of irritating women.. :) but by god's grace they were all quite..may be because of the spirituality grown in them :)..this prediction can be a mistake..anyways

the fun started with a toast and then it was a bottom-sip game encouraging each other with claps and howls.. that destroyed my sheepishness completely and then i was naked from the consciousnesses of this and that..good and bad..and dark and bright..i will be totally me than ever when the spirits of wines overflow in  making a half drowsy state..it helps me not to keep unspoken arguments and questions..it gives my throat a freedom from hush..and it pulls out the love i store deep inside to share a warm kiss..We stopped somewhere for the chauffeur's supper and order something to help us as well.. the guys amused us with their natural pranks and we joined them too.. being childish is good at all times.. cause it spreads innocence.. and an act of innocence cant hurt one..

the music played uproariously and the souls sprang in joy..the drowsiness become infectious and soon spreader all over inside the van..everyone of us bounced in freedom until our knees sore and the subconsciousness leveled to unconsciousness..the van drove in silence for good miles..a puking irritation interrupted the ghosting sail and made me rise up to stop it on the deserted highway.. snores of relief vibrated inward. i steeped out and sat right on the ground with splited legs. i took and few stomach full of breaths to get rid of the nauseousness..the head was churning and my vision dragged things to be a mess..he followed me and rested on the steps of the van..even if he was lethargic and badly sleepy..it was comforting to see him behind me..

dehydration waked me up, i gulped in a jug of water to fight my thrust..we stopped at Karwar Ship museum. (the warship I.N.S Chapel  has been transferred in to museum which was brought from Russia served the Indian army during the India-Pakistan war in 1971.) There wasn't enough time to explore the museum. we had to keep the history safe in the air unknown..as we were all troubled with natures call in the morning and were busy searching for some public toilets. unfortunately we had to control the sensations until we reach our hotel. As there wasn't any other ways we fuse in to a small chit-chat while perceiving the road to goa. The weather was transforming from dry/cold to humid/hot and our skin formed small bubbles of sweat here and there..We had to halt at the state border for the driver to take entry permit..we used this time to jiggle in a street-food vendor and ordered omelets and breads and a cheese potato sandwich for the veggies..i took bites from both and enjoyed a little mischief's taking advantage of the youngest position given..

We started spoting half naked white-man, tanned-white girls in sarongs and bikini's, goan-aunts in frocks and  a lot of cultural difference..the van approaching our destination took us through small but neat roads drawn between colorful cloth shops, marvelous antique and handicrafts shops, wines and bars and luscious street food centers, cashew shops where you will get the best fenny in the world (people says you will get it only in Goa), bikini-shops, tattoo saloons and spas, beach sports shop and so on..there is more in this list about goa.. Goa was ruled by Portuguese for 4 centuries and that shows in the architecture and life style which is rare..

Finally we reached our hotel after 15 hours. It was a serviced apartment and we were asked to wait in the restaurant opposite to the hotel (where me and my husband 'Dilroop Kurikkalot' stayed last time) an androgynous boy came for assistance he served a nice sweet coffee and then we ordered a good pizza, noodle, fried rice and fruit salads..we ladies freshen up by the time the guys lingered on the balcony prattling nonsense, stalking the women passers by and in between some spiritual topics - this is inevitable since there is an all time spiritual being in the gang.. :). it was evening by the time very one freshen up.our only intention for this trip was to be part of the FTV Play New Year Eves Party and hence without spending any more time on sightseeing or beach bathes we set out in search of Candolim beach where it was going to happen. Being nice to the chauffeur we let him sleep as he drove the whole night and we went on walk with the guidelines of GPS..that literally misguided us and made us walk some extra kilometers..the walk..the wander through the small tight street that open a bar/restaurant in front of every houses..took us in close contact with a lot of drunk n doped..this place is like an open ground where rules and regulations sway out..wanderlust..it brings freedom..it takes you close to the spirit and nothing seems important..but it was love that has always hold me back from diluting into nowhere..it was pleasure to at least feel it at once.. The walk grabbed me to the pages of the book i read years back;"The Zahir" - by Sir. Paulo Coelho..the mention about "nomads"..

[According to the tradition of the steppes—which is known as the 

Tengri—in order to live fully, it is necessary to be in constant movement; only then can 

each day be different from the last. When they passed through cities, the nomads would 

think: The poor people who live here, for them everything is always the same. The people 

in the cities probably looked at the nomads and thought: Poor things, they have nowhere 

to live. The nomads had no past, only the present, and that is why they were always 

happy. 

“What’s a nomad?” someone asks.

“People who are free and manage to live with only what they can carry. they are not poor” 

“What do you know about poverty?”-someone asks to the nomad

The Nomad answers: “Do you really think that poverty has to do with having no money? Do you think we’re miserable wretches just because we go around begging money from rich writers and guilt-ridden couples, from tourists who think how terribly squalid Paris has become or from idealistic young people who think they can save the world? You’re the one who’s poor—you have no control over your time, you can’t do 

what you want, you’re forced to follow rules you didn’t invent and which you don’t understand…” ]

doesn't that make sense..?? this night-one of he last nights of this year has given me an idea about how happy the said nomads would be..we roam around through the wrong roads..finding throbbing pubs, dark restaurants open exclusively for candle-lit dinners and the beach sand that sink our each step deep in, making the stroll difficult. Somehow we were there, paid and collected the entry passes and left with a grin..aspiration fulfilled.. after the long walk we thought of relaxing somewhere..just next to the resort there was a pleasant place available set in a garden where drinks were served..run by an old husband and wife. We ordered two bottles of cashew fenny which is the country liquor of goa and some snacks..8 glasses with the mixture of  lemon flavor soft drink water and fenny toast for the day, the tickets and New year..we passed a toast to the white couples next table and they return one back..glasses emptied..filled..emptied and filled..silence break and noises rise..it was cheer all around.. endless talks.. nonstop teasing..and a lot of care and love..whats great than this..?? The gang bang attracted two white hand drummers and they entertained us for a while..it usually happens the other way round, the Indians entertain them but with us everything was different..smirk smirk..!!  :P


The spirit  diffused all over us and then it was time for singing..i shouted the lyrics out and at times in good tunes even though i am not a good singer..but sanya..she was excellent in this..this was her first try of fenny and she unveiled all that was aching in her mind..it was emotional, he disappeared with her while i still shout some lines out loud vigorously..i remember it till this..and then it was all vague, hazy and unclear.. we sang along all the way..hugged a Spanish women who refuse to take a photo with me who told i looks like her daughter..i guess she was also drunk like hell or how would her white daughter look like me..?? i wonder!! my legs quivered but we walked the whole long way back sometimes disturbing the peace and at times amusing the bored..howling..jumping..shouting..tripping..snapping..and stumbling we flew in in the illusion of absoluteness..the humans we pass stared in discomfort and disbelief.. of course thats natural..when someone do something that they cant..then that someone is insane..but then insanity is not a wrong..its a difficult stage for a normal to attain..one got to taste it and they will be hooked up to it forever..i envy the lives of birds..they could wing out every bad things hurled to them..and then they are at ease..the existence of human, being earnest is meaningless..the life lived in the fear of ailments..pain..poverty and death gives nothing but takes everything..someone climbed a never-ending ladder and everyone followed not knowing where it leads..and people who are at the top fell in to the depth of misery..in to unrelieved suffering..life is short to hate, hurt  and tolerate..

The long walks kick out some of the dizziness from our heads. we become aware of hunger that whirled in our stomach.. a few wander for the restaurants open after midnight ended up in disappointment.. but someone managed for a couple of packets of Bread jam and butter..it was more than enough to lavish and we wrapped around it like starving stray dogs.. energy reloaded and each of us accommodate themselves on the chairs and the beds laid on the floor.. small talks to serious conversations to arguments.. it was me and the spiritual being.. calling him a spiritual being doesn't make me a physical being..i myself believe in spirits and the idea of being a soul in a body not the other way round.. the question he raised to me was "what love is"..for he says he is in love with the universe.. as for me the universe is GOD..i believe everything that exist and nonexistent, living and nonliving, moving and unmovable, sin and morality, good and bad, night and day, sound and silence every simplest and complex has god in it..may be that was the context of his point too..I couldn't reply properly fearing the scarcity of resources that was unrecoverable in my frozen dizzy brains..i remained half speechless..

It is all about what you choose. Spirituality is not about forsaking ones life. Learning the inner-self is good but  its not necessary to walk out of   humanistic qualities.in my opinion it should not be chosen to run away from life..for spirituality takes you to internal life, a life to learn about ones self or soul..go beyond the five senses..and this transforms a human   being to a spiritual being and it has got a time for it..you are born to do all the good and nasty things, have all the feelings, pain , to love, to care, to hate, to cheat, to do everything you want..for this faith is enough.. Spirituality is eternal..seeking answers for your own essence..its vast that it can vanish the reality from around you.. Be spiritual and live like a human being this is the good part..break the rules..try to make life simple and enjoyable not missing out any of the 1000 elements..the dimension of a sages purpose and a normal humans purpose is different..be any one of it but don't make yourself a coward being in two boats at a time and results nothing.. don't mock your soul..

as per my religious belief life itself has its stages..to enjoy ones existence to the fullest one must follow it the way it is starting from..Brahmacharya time to learn for the first one fourth of your life..Grihasta for the next one fourth that makes the half life time to get married, lose your virginity, have sex, bear children and protect the family..Vanaprasta- retirement from the social life to pilgrimage and then Sanyasa- this is it..a total devoted life to God, to oneself to the soul abandoning desire, responsibilities, hope and fear..To fulfill your life..one must go through all the stages apart from sticking on to just one..life is about knowing life..learning every leap..falling down and correct it the next time..

and the answer for the question "what is love".. i still cant explain as i told him right away,,its a thousand small things..its the care, the concern, the attachment, the commitment, the intimacy, the passion, the pure feelings to each other, being true, being safe and carefree to be yourself and a lot more..How i felt it?? through the pain of being apart, the longing to be in each others arms, the missing to hear each others voice and every tiny minute memories of togetherness..once you are in love you will know what it really is..its kind, trust, enlightenment and above all seductive..this is all i could manage..its an endless, boundless Joy..

Everyone interrupted the conversation may be they all knew this is gonna fume the atmosphere. he again encouraged us to sing and we made it out loud that the neighbor had to knock on the door a couple of times..we then decided to wind up..it was close to dawn couple of us already oozed in to deep sleep..me and sanya slept together she changed in to her gown and i in the same dirty cloths..somewhere in the sleep i heard me snore hard and i controlled it..

my alarm screeched at 7:30 singing "wake up..wake up..wake up..its a brand new day.." before it could continue with the second line i jumped up and dismissed it. the room was dark sanya was curled in like a french bread in her blanket..my eyes felt swollen and for a moment i was trying to hold the swinging me tight on the floor..i checked the guys room..they looked like puzzle pieces all done attached to each other intricately..i dint want to bother them so i came back to our room and slept again..the sound laughs waked both of us. when we opened the door the guys were in the same position on the balcony as yesterday..the younger  guys were searching hard for some female air..and the elder ones chit-chating..i don't have the merest idea what they were discussing about..may be of their last bachelor trip to goa..the way they might have enjoyed it in the pure-manly ways..tricking and tracking..May be the last time they were the predators but this time the protectors..:) who knows..its a boy thing.. :P

We ladies freshen up and this is the 3rd day i m gonna go out not brushing my teeth..i dressed up in a linen three fourth pant that i wore last time in goa and groomed myself with a tint of pricking annoyance..i was teased and made fun of for my dull complexioned one fourth barefoot..i silly blushed out of self-consciousness and then i let it go else that would spoil my day..women are on pin points when it comes to their figure, appearance and style any slightest bad remark can turn them down..DK realized it and came to me with comforting hands and i was more than ok with his one question "anything wrong??" i gave him a big-wide-bright smile and we both were fine..he kissed me on my forehead and we left the room..sanya was assisting her husband with each and everything he wanted..from tooth brush to towels from watches to slippers..she was so caring and he enjoyed being pampered..we directly drove to the beach..it was hot like a burning vessel on the stove..the crowd appeared unpleasing to us..we were expecting a whole row of foreigners but it was a mix..i blamed the locals spoiling the mood and making the whole place dirty..throwing all unwanted stuffs here and there as if it is a public garbage pit..we took a long table with beach chairs for 8 of us in a beach shack, ordered beers and breezers and squid, then the two couples(including us)and my brother went in to the water ..we enjoyed a few clicks of photographs.. it was the waves turn to pull our legs now..it was crowded..but the guys saved some good space for us to enjoy the waves splashed as if it wanted to defeat us..a couple of times it pulled one of us inside but our hand lock kept us on place..and at times it draw ma pants down too :) but no one noticed..the sea was draining the mud beneath our foot and we could feel it each time..we had a full bath in the cold sea water in sucha hot day..and then gave the guys to play together while we guarded our personal belongings..we both ordered a second breezer and chicken spring role and enjoyed it in the wheezing sea breeze..it was evening by now..we drove back to our hotel to get ready for the New Year Eves party..

Till now scum looked pack converted in to a really gorgeous group..4 of the guys in whites and 2 of them in black the girls in some chiky outfits..we had the red band tied on the wrist for the VIP's of the party..we placed ourselves on a cabana that was close to the beach..the music was pouring out..first drizzled and then severe..the dance floor was free and then people gradually moved up and made it live..a few ftv models took a few rounds showing off their a** cracks and skeletal structure which amazed a few present. the singles in our gang hyperventilated finding some beautys of their taste..i let him have the enjoyment for some time and he let me too..a gang of school-going-kid looked guy models pass us with those new-in-fashion cropped pants and nude makeup..they made sure everyone noticed and they walked away.. we helped ourselves with a drink and a plate of french fries..it was just the couples for so long the others vanished in to the crowd.. when the beats started to ascend my foot moved to step with the rhythm..my body loosen to hop and then i compelled him  to finish his drink.. we were then one in the crowd dancing with all force..the dj spoke but only some responded rest all was indulged in the wave of the songs played..bliss..to forget the world outside, just me and him on the center of the world..we sweat out a river but  never stopped..we shivered of tiredness but hasted in hurry until it was count down for the new year..this was the wonderful moment that i was waiting to share with him all these years..this was one in my dream..to hold him tight and hug him and kiss him while we step in to a new year together..when it was at last  "1" the lights went off and crackers in different colors rained making the whole sky turning in to an unseen nebula- a cosmic fume blurred my eyes and we look up in unison kissing each other and cuddling with all the love and pleasure we held with us secretly for some months..the howls and new year wishes thundered in the air..i inhaled love wrapping my hands around his neck tight standing on my toes..my dream come true..and i couldn't control my feelings.. his child-like face made me kiss him again n again..the music banged and we all return to the old stands of stepping up according to the music..when we felt it was enough we all walked to the beach side and sit there enjoying the noise of the waves..from afar crackers still bloomed and rained down to nothing..many people enjoyed their new year in the open beach..there were a lot of groups here and there singing and dancing and drinking and celebrating..the beam lights from the dance floor flashed long way in the sea making the splashing waves seem like blown up crystals..i was exhausted and i wanted to lie on his lap..i asked and he allowed..my eyes sink in to unclear memories..i was slowly getting away from the noise around..all i could feel was the warmth of his body..the sea breeze swayed..he ran his fingers through my hair lovingly for so long..after sometimes i was back to conscious but i still kept my eyes closed i didn't want this to get over..these acts of love always defeated me..and i would be ready to surrender to him always..its the small things that makes big changes..they  guys and sanya made me wake up and we had a final circlic sand dance and a roar to leave that place..we left the air of joy caressed us all the time from the start till now over there and boarded the van without a turning back to say good bye..over is over.. a brand new year is waiting with millions of happenings and we are along to enjoy it.. face it..and live it..

driving back appeared longer than driving forth..we slept till we are bored of it..stopped in between for food and smoke at times..the days of celebration was long lost and we swore to plan for some such trips..who knows whats gonna happen..every heads nodded in confusion..the loudest become the quietest..it was all silence..besides some long sighs..

A Year-Ending-Ritual

A year-ending ritual, thats what i would name this. We have been doing this since the first year Ik4 born and unknowingly someone of us kept updating a good-bye this year post and now we are gonna name it this- "Year-Ending-Ritual". Just to rewind the important, unforgettable incidents anyone of us remember in the gone days of the current year. All good and bad things. i m not thinking about omitting the "bad" coz somewhere it played a significant role in giving us some happiness. i don't think that everyone takes it like this but i believe it. so lets scribble down the good/bad things that 2012 presented us. i will write whats in my mind and you guys can add in it urs.. a mix of experiences..its not urs and mine its ours always..

Good:
1. 2012 was not the end of world :) i am happy that i have more years to be one in iK4
2. My Marriage, one of our greatest dream come true..and IK4 is complete with the 4 men.. :), juniors on the way
3. our union in Bangalore as i dreamed it years back (though there is some difference, but still i feel great)
4. Our company 'Cursosmith' founded
5. arrival notice of two new kootharas
6. the long list of journeys and trips..i am really blessed or lucky whichever word that match well
7. The one unexpected night stay @ paaachus place (but missed munnu/anand & anju/anil)
8. Our get together at munnus place with ammamma, was really memorable and lovely

Bad:
1. Even being in the same city we are not able to meet as we thought we would
2. the departure of one of the new kootharas(but i strongly believe his/her destiny was different so what happened was good )  
3. Anands travel to Dubai, we know munnus u would be very much missing him but the new year will bring u something better.

to be continued...

The Weeping willow

i was in a dark. all around me was just nothing. i felt me buried somewhere so tightly that i was unable to move a little. i felt like shaking off whatever upon me and run away knowing the fact that it is not possible. At times i felt cold, at times wet at times some wired long thing scrolling over me..i learned patience..i wished for this stage to get pass..days after days i found changes in me and around..one fine day i felt a kind of heat striking somewhere of me and i was startled me.. i could open my eyes and what i found was my mother as tall as the sky with lovely greens of silky hair..she looks beautiful..it was different over here..birds and clouds and sepia of the rising sun..a cuckoo couple on my mothers branch singing lovely..my mom shrugged and a rain of morning dew started falling..it tasted exotic..at last for the first time i felt "tranquil at mind"..  

My legs part from a couple to thousand..it spreader around to all corns searching for water like a thirsty vampire..my legs collide with others and theirs with mine..we created a web of  strong layer underneath..i enjoyed the mild heat, the bright light and the swaying wind. i grew up to moms  and some humans said..look at that new "willow"..now i know thats what we are called a willow. My pendulous branches appeared fairly beautiful with the spring pale green leaves at the bottom..we were so happy, sang and danced all the day..some noticed most of them neglected.. i become the adobe of a small herd of bird too like my mother..they nestled up in the curves of my arms and i protected them being astiff fearing a swing will disturb them..at night i enjoyed the cloudless sky with shimmering stars like diamonds across..   

children pay under my shade..some cats and dog took me as their shelter from the burning heat..the birds perched on..the chipmunks nibbled giving me little quakes.. what ever i do i was glad because i do only good. Its raining now and it formed a creek beside we stood that carried dirt and dust in the beginning and now fresh and flowing with fallen flowers..the burble made me sink in somewhere unknown..it didn't stop but tumbled and rolled rippling all the time.. the rain strengthen us we grow higher limitless somewhere in the wast of the holy mother-earth to whom i am rooted and disperse my veins through.. on one unstopping rainy day my mother said tales about our ancestors..a time when there was just our kind on the earth..and then the human and other animals came..things gradually changed..kept changing and still changing..the breeze and the light and the night and just we..i though how good it would be to live at that time..least if we had more of us around here..

i was taller than before and i could see the high houses where humans live..lately i found a girl looking through her window to me for so long..her emotion was plain..i wonder why shes doing so.. everyday with a cup off coffee she will stood over there or on her balcony and watch my hairs swinging in the wind..she might not be knowing that i am noticing her through my thick locks..my curiousness about her thoughts grew..but i am happy there's one in a million who loves a little green..

One day we saw two humans discussing looking at my mother..at first we didnt know anything and then one among them came with an axe clutched at his hip and climbed on her and started to cut out her branches..she bleed white but the self-centered human didnt cared. he cut her until shes bald..the reason they say is her height disturb the electric lines to their house. is that a reason for making her handy capped ?  is this world just for the sake of humans? will they survive without us? when will they understand all this sane truths? my mother wept out as the pain hurt her from all sides..her beautiful thick of  greens were brushed out from the ground and put on fire..all i could do was to weep for her..i was interrupted by a loud clangor..it was not other than the extreme sin of the moving brain-less flesh that they were cutting my mom from root..my veins shrieked..the earth under my leg cracked..but all ended useless..i shouted out loud .but none listened..i yearn for her life but none cared..a cheer broke somewhere inside me..yes they may destroy me too..i stood frozen waiting for the sharp iron to fall on me but it didn't happen..i could smell my mothers blood..all they left was the memories i had with her..turning to find a blank next to me..they are manifesting  the monopoly of dominating this planet as if this was their own place, under their own control all other creatures has to fear them, sacrifice them for the good of the humans..this is wrong..this is sin..some day they will have to answer for this..suffer for the cruelty they have shown to the other beings..

the night was darker than ever..it seemed scary all around..the wind blew me swiftly..memories till last night rolled in my mind..i wept and wept until there was no tear left..each drop of tears shed bloom as a new leaf and shielded me as grown whiskers..and a day came when i could conceal in the grieving tears for my mother..and people said "look at that weeping willow, looks so gorgeous" they laughed and disappeared..but me and the ones like me kept our self living in fearing the ruthless arms of those who laughed and passed.. Life is getting impossible in this world..all we could do is to be blind dumb and deaf...

Once again December....a recollection..!!

it was a surprise to wake up on a fair morning finding him curled under one part of the blanket with shiver.I felt my uncovered feet numb and cold. My sore nose, dried out skin and the shivers passing through my backbone that reach my neck shacking me brought me to make it out that its again December. I rushed up from my bed pulling of the blankets and opened my curtains wide..my eyes lit up and unknowingly my lips widen with difficulty stretching my skin with a little pain.. Fog! the streets were wet, but not because of rain..paving the black roads with yellow flowers fallen like a beautiful carpet.. men in bicycle selling fresh leafs found feverish dressed up in sweaters, gloves, mufflers and socks effeortfully pedaling the cycle having the chains frozen due to the gone down temperature..their howls emitted white smokes of chilled air.. he passed by crushing a few wet flowers on his way.. the trees looked spookified with thick clouds of brume here and there.. the air was icy and refreshing.. my body shivered creating goosebumps persistently, i quickly unfold the sleeves that i had coiled up last night.. the whole neighborhood seemed lazy under the blankets..making the street deserted..normally if there is no humans around on the roads i would find some dogs straying around but today even them have escaped to somewhere for the heat..it was calm! all around that i could count my own heavy breaths.

The awning of my window was dripping a few drops of dew.. i turned around when i hear him moaning in sleep, it was then i come to know that i was being so cruel to him to throw those blanks off the bed. 

he looked liked a heated shrimp. i felt so sorry and i spread the blanket atop him and wrap him like a little one. i kissed him on the forehead and lean back on my foot. from a distracted sleep he fell into a sound one having protected from his nerves chilling in the cold.. a satisfaction of quite snore disturbed the silence for a while and after sometime it was again back to complete silence. an infrequent passes of rikshaws interrupted it, otherwise it was just like at "eden" - the heaven. i closed the window and once again intending to help him and came out of the room. It was a lovely Saturday! holiday for both of us and it turn out to be perfect with the start of a new season, my favorite one, indeed the nostalgic one...the floor was frozen too and i had to help me with a pair of socks. i took a long stretch to get rid of the last few bit of my sleepiness and tried opening the main door of my house. It made me do a little exercise on it pulling it and pulling it a couple of times. the wooden door was also jammed. How strange that everything, the living and non living has an effect of environmental changes. the news paper was thrown just on the side of my door spreading the front page open. may be the boy also wanted to rush in to his house as fast as possible from this whether. :) but i love it. i wanted to have a nice, slow walk enjoying the misty wind.. but then i thought of my daily kitchen chores. i am a responsible wife. ;) i cant escape from feeding my sweet heart. winter and the hunger wont go hand in hand. i once more take a look of everything around. all windows and doors seen shut. the vegetable-on-wheel sellers face looked fainted with the wrong anticipation. the dry whether seemed like dried his business of fresh items just from the yards. one of my neighbors cloths hung on top of the terrrace to dry the previous day looked like dried up the whole life from it..for a moment i imagined me being one of those cloths, what a faith it could be,  pitiful! 

i ran my eyes through the headlines and put it on my diwan aiming to come back and i walked to my kitchen to make a cup of steaming coffee. i glanced around my house. it looked pretty like an adolescent. 

.we really succeeded in putting it up this way though its a very small house as compared to others we know. the shelf with books, bottles, gifts and toys.. a braid big brim english hat hung on a side, bottles of four seasons rich wine, the lace table drape and curtains, woolen carpet; it was all cute as a new born. the noise of the water bubbling draw me back to reality. i pour it in my mug from the pair we bought for both of us, in invert colors, mine is brown outside and cream inside and his is cream outside and brown inside :P..lovely! i added a few milk cubes, sugar and then the most gorgeous thing in the wold, grounded coffee. gave a stir and then i was struggling to control the ecstasy and the blinding aroma.... a sip of it made it warm through all the way it traveled in, i prepared a cup for him too, covered it, came to the living room and sat on my diwan and flipped through the pages of the news paper. the steam from it soften my face..the coffee and the mist together got something to twirl a magic on human minds. each sip takes us to somewhere, sometimes to the past..sometimes to the fantasies of future.. its good at times to just get lost being at where you are.. after a vague scan through the daily i folded it neatly and kept it on its place on the table. I opened the door to our balcony to feel the wind blow me from all the sides.

Winter was the most invited season of my life. My memory goes with a lot of friends in the neighborhood. 

This is during we live at our grandma's house. Every year when it is November we started to count days for Christmas holidays. The only hurdle for our happiness was the exams coming in between.but we knew, from this none can escape. we prepared for the exams as well as for the holidays. life was as lite as the collection of feathers we had. the first weeks of the month was the most restricted as the parents care more about the marks scored. we had to say a short good-bye to the play time allowed after school everyday. our houses were close that i could listen one of my friend reciting the lessons loud clearly. the days went on and our eagerness grown. we spent times at the greeting card stalls opened nearby. some sold small gifts too. To tell a name about on of my childhood friend was of her the little, runny-nosed girl- "jincy". her fondness to me had no limits. she steals cakes and candy's for me that her mother made for the nearest confectionery. she gifts me her favorite dolls and play stuffs. she wakes me up on Sundays as soon as  she wakes up through my window and at times she gets scold from my grandma. but she never mind it :). as we were in the same class, during the "malayalam" exams my mom used to allow me to go and have a combine study with her. and it was during then she showed all her possessions. a box full of glass-bangle pieces of different colors that appeared like gems, satin gift ribbons that she saved from gifts given to her brothers, a bundle of name-slip stickers, a few handicapped dolls :), pebbles, marbles, spinning top toy, and a mud-money bank. she gave it to me to weigh it. to my surprise it was very heavy. she started to fill it  since last December. for every December she n her brother will break it and buy stuffs for them like dress for Christmas, shoes, for her nice hair bands like that. i peeped through the coin-hole and it had a very few space to get fully-loaded. i had one for me made out of talc powder tin. and as it is easy to open the lid, it never reach even till the half but i still have a little money in it sufficient for some cards or gifts for Christmas.

on Sunday before going for Mass at her church, she waked me up  

through the window. she promised me of coming fast so that we can go to the Christmas stall near-by. i got ready brushing, having and started waiting for her. the church bell rang and i stood up in excitement for the mass dispersed and my little friend will be rushing to me. I took permission from ma grandma to play for some while and pursed in a good number of coins from my powder-tin bank. i heard her calling shhh.. shhh.. hiding behind the big neem tree near our gate. We ran  along until we get sight of the stalls and then stopped, breathless. When we both were steady we  made our forks in position the frills and flowers and the laces. We slowly reached the first stall hold each others hands with excitement finding the new stuffs in store which is absolutely distinct from last years. our eyes were rolling from side to side from up to down not able to choose which one for who. We selected a few number of greeting cards and a gift for our Christmas-friend or "Secret Santa". It is a game played by a group of friends randomly assign a person to whom we can anonymously sent letters and gifts. it begin with writing the name of all in the group and churn or shuffle it in a mug. each one have to pick one from it and the name in the paper you choose will be your Christmas friend. as per the rule none are allowed to disclose it until the Christmas night. the game starts 5-6 days before. The game offers a way to give and receive gifts. It may be some from our collectibles, sometimes handmade paper things, sometimes love letters.it was a season of bundled fun. All the gifts are supposed to deposit in a box that we made out of my grandpas shoebox, colored and decorated by all of us. everyday in between studies, we secretly wrote letters, made gifts, paintings all in the name of that secret friend. Me and jincy wanted each of us to get each other unfortunate it didnt happen as we wished. i was sad and i found her too the same way.

On the last days of the School i gave out cards to three of my  

friends. and they returned one to me too.while saying happy holiday, i didn't forget to buy the apple shaped- sugar candy for jincy. I came home, thrown my bag in to the cupboard and ran out to her house to see her mother beating her. i felt sad and for a few minutes i hid myself behind the half  opened door. i heard her mom scolding her for spending extra money from what she was allowed for the gifts from her-own money bank.  for a moment i recalled that she hadn't bought anything in front of me. when i asked her she told nothing but wiped off her tears with a little stuff from her nose and smiled saying "lets go and call everyone to check the gifts. i didnt know what to say. her hand was designed with a couple of red lines from beating with the cane-stick. in a moment, seeing me, she forgot everything and that made my eyes blurred.

By now we all had 4 gifts with us including letters, i got a pebble, 

a car-shaped rubber, a drawing of an elephant and a letter saying the friend didn't get money from his/her parent and that's the reason why its only a "naragamittayi" (a sugar candy in the shape of an orange carpel). it was melted and sticked on to the paper. I had it in no time.

Its 24th December, every houses were decorated with string lights, Christmas tree and stars. everyone created a Christmas stable  in their house with different designs. while the children made the stables, mothers baked cakes, cooked the Christmas delicacies, most delicious of their preparations. Fathers took out the hidden jars of fermented wines. Number of Christmas carols  pass through with the Santa and chocolates and tiny gifts just for the children. we waited more like them to have the number of our gifts rise.

And then it was 12 o clock, we placed baby Jesus in the bed with

Mother Mary , father Joseph, the Shepherds, the sheep's around and the angle hanging in front of the stable. Its now time to unveil our secret Christmas friend.  The one who always encouraged this game was my white-haired, white-beard grandpa. We gave the box to him and then he started to call out the names on the gifts. He then asked the one who sent this gift to come forward. The same happened for the whole group. All of us was so delighted to know each of our secret friend. we hugged and kissed and went back to our houses to keep the gifts and come back for the next section; grandpa reciting the story of Jesus's Life.

While i went to keep my present i found something wrapped 

in a glitter paper on my study table, when i took it, there it was with, a small card saying" Merry Christmas dear Friend" "with love jincy". I  was astonished and didnt know what to do with it. i unwrapped and found the beautiful blonde-legless doll in a cream-color gown. that day when we went to the stall, i saw it and stared it for so long, thinking if i had enough money i could buy this for my Christmas friend. she misunderstood and gifted it to me. I love her! when i was marveling it she came sat next me. i dint say anything. she slowly nudged me, all i could do was to hug her tight... it was then i realized that the reason for her mom beating her was me. it was for me she spend extra and that too a very good amount. I felt so pained for her and happy that i got sucha nice friend like her.. While listening to granpa's stories, my mind wandered. i felt shy for not being as good as her to me to her..

its only when we are children and have friends of our age we exchange the most innocent form of love and care. i thought! and its true..

by now my coffee mug was empty. the street gained a few, walking 

through. i looked around to find my budded Lilly's bloom a purple bunch of flowers. i ran my hands through them and started spraying some water on all of the plants to wake them as well..i felt a cold hand on my shoulder, it was him with his cup of coffee. he caressed me through my neck, turning me to see the shadow of the risen sun aback the thick clouds. he offered a sip from his mug and i had it without any complaint. it was just warm not steaming, he drinks hot stuffs this way, strange! he asked me, what i was doing. 

"just gone through one of my childhood's Christmas" - I mumbled!