World inside the Womb

How complicated it is when we think deeper about the complexities and intricacies of the works god had done in this Human body, may be that's why some people calls it, gods master pieces. How efficiently he created men for women or vise-versa which kept this world alive for this long. Reproduction, the process i have written in my bio notes that took only a few lines to explain it but to experience it, even though not completely(thats true), but still the first steps that i had gone through was incredible.

Destiny Faith and Fortune do exist. One should be completely capable to have it from the start to the end. i dont know if it was about that tiny soul or it was my misfortune. But that little one who took its place in my womb had only a life that last for 8 weeks, i wish it could stay there alive and go a 6 more months further. I realize how happy he/she made both of us and every people around me. and the news of i losing him made me upset mostly because i know how much a good number of people are concerned about us. Its ok. I am absolutely fine now, rather we both are. But that morning soreness that i enjoyed is something that i would never ever forget.  

Being a mom-to-be was like a pass-out from lower grade to upper grade. I understood a dozen things that was in front of me but was blind to see. When i was small, i could never be apart my mother, even for a second. but time to time i changed. Maturity spoiled my innocence. I behaved as if i was a huge rock of intelligence and knowledge. i thought my mother was not enough bright to talk with, about the modernity trends and technology. I hurt her a thousand times for a thousand matters without any reason. I was a fool. I was a fool who kept pride in the mere knowledge about nothing that occupied a portion of my brain. Real thing was something else and it was the truest of all, the compassion and love that she always emitted from her kind heart to me whenever i wounded her.All that happened unknowingly in my life appeared as clear as a crystal and now i feel bad. When i conceived i understood what it was all about a Mother. I had to learn about it. I was an illiterate when it comes to concern and care, but through this one i obtained about a half part of the knowledge about it.

To have a child is one among the greatest boons. i had one for a short period of 8 weeks.some reasons made its life to fall in a blink. i don't want to trail in to it any more. But a thing i gained though this experience is to know all about what a complete mother is and be ready for the next time.

There were great debates on whats important the 'Brain' or The 'heart'..and there are many people who believes Brains the main thing, be practical, think logical and act rational. but a few goes the hearts way, they are the human in human the former is just robots made of blood and flesh. But at times when we listen to both we gets confused, we may think yes brain is the king some other times we thinks yes the heart is wise. Now that i have experienced this i have a clear answer that cleaned my confusion. ITS THE HEART. Brain stops but none dies, but when the heart stops thats it, its the end. Life lies at the center of your chest..i experienced both, the starting and ending of the so called life.. precisely on the first day of the 6th week.. when the ultrasound transducer penetrated me with a hitch i shivered with irritation..the lubricant was ice cold and i struggled to breath in discomfort..but then the screen was turned to me..i saw a black bean shaped portion and the doctor told thats the pregnancy sack, the temporary home of my child within me..she zoomed it to maximum and i saw a tiny line thumping faster than normal..my eyes filled with greatness and love..

I have never heard anyone saying they recognize fetal movement during the early pregnancy, but i did..i felt it bubbling a couple of times and i confirmed it with the doc. the pregnancy sack expands and after a few days they gets heart beat it moves from one end to other end..only a few who try to feel deeper would get to know about it..i was one in it  but i dint had the luck to watch that this time..

Cursed is this era of junk food and artificiality. I dont know what to be complained of, whats the traitor. but this is becoming common. unknown unexpected miscarriages are  no great news today. why? i dont know. Is this world full to accommodate another one? or is this universe out of stock with 'souls'? somethings happening to the entire system. Its a belief that death is "moksha" release from every ties or ultimate liberation. So whats life? Lucifer was cursed and expelled from heaven to earth. Why earth? because the one thing called hell is in earth itself..there are good and bad experiences but mostly it is bad. there is no handicapped or mental or diseased ones in heaven as of my knowledge they all exist in earth. coz heaven is when you have no body just the air of your soul and free to fly where ever you want. If i take it this way its only good that had happen to my child. To face the life is the greatest risk or complication.

I am positive, we both are positive, as we understood that we are the machines to produce lives..and we are strong and healthy so there's no place for worries..as a mother i had a few irritations that i wanted to wave it out in the air..and blow to burst..

My mind has a lot of things stained as a lining on it..i am just taking it out on my finger tips. i believe this will free me. i dont grieve, i dont weep, i dont mourn..i just wanna free me from the questions i ask myself. As we always believe, everything happens for a reason.. but this time my heart dont take it like that, it still matter..this whole thing is a proof to show it..i may find it difficult to explain it over and over so here is it written, next time before you dare to question the hell out of me, read it for yourselves and get lost..!!! :D :D :D hehehe...  

Another good-bye

Um..i am controlling that burning pain on my chest and trying hard not to spill a drop of tear..i am not sure how far i can keep me tied this way..its not the hormones making me emotional, thats for sure..i dont know what to say, what to write, a thousand million words shooting against me at a second and i am struggling to choose the aptest ones..

Friendship. People considers it in many different ways. but for me its like a part of my soul, my body. its an organ or its like the blood that flows in me. our thoughts matches, our beliefs are same, so i am sure all of you have the same about it as me. I dont know munnu, whether i am happy about you being alone all these days here being apart from your love or you going back saying good-bye to this place, where our dreams lingers..though we couldn't succeed in making it real at least a half of it..but somewhere inside me, i felt secure, coz i knew even though we are located several kilometers apart in the same city, you are all 'just' a 'call' away being the 'friend indeed'..

We build dreams, we followed it but we failed to catch it..its gone in the wind so high that no more jumps would work to get it back..but thats ok..we are alive in this round glob where there is no end and we can walk through to reach the other one with ease..i pray god, not to make it complicated than this..i feels fainted as if the nurse took that syringe full blood from my vain..a loser feeling..i cant say "dont go"..you have your destiny to be fulfilled..but this is certain that it would ache me as long as i am here..where we wanted to be in, together.. :(

Lifes short, it makes me scared..relationships breaks..loved ones vanish..friends torn apart..this is a fact and none can stop it..we all are suppose to accept this..but at the same time there comes this..the heart defeats the brain..and the emotions breaks out like a water bomb of tears...

We pray that you both get everything that you always wanted in your life from now on..past is gone, let it burn and get fire like the dried leaves.. Hope to see you again for that one wide smile on your face and that warn hug..i would long for it until the next time i have it.. :(

We were and are busy, we may get even busier, but never forget that, in here lies the proof of our friendship from the day it started..this is the umbilical cord of IK4 that would keep us connected ever, forever. i want to take it along until my eyes cant read the keys and my fingers cant move to type..this is IK4..this is WE..and lets dont forget US

Love you all..!!

Being MOM

Hi gurls.. i dont know what to say. yes its again our lucky charm day 29th to write this here. Through this one year and four months of marriage i have experienced several things, visited many places, friends with variety of people and so on but this is completely different. I was excited to know one among us got pregnant and later become a  mother for how she will be happy being in that posture. I was happy cause she was happy and we were sharing her happiness but its now i am knowing what the real feeling is about being a Mom-going-to-be. the pleasure cant just be written in a few words. its more than anything but ya not as much as the love i received from him all these days ;-).

Intuition worked. somewhere some one in me made me aware that i am pregnant. It can be that soul which is about to enter me in another 1 month or a few weeks. but i was aware even in my sleep that i am chosen, no, that we are chosen by someone waiting for so long. I felt my stomach having cramps very uncomfortably and i found some other changes to myself. The wind in the morning lazed me than never before and i crawled and struggled to make me up stand. i checked me in the mirror more often and i observed my tummy bulges. i am sure its not gonna bulge out so soon but still i found me doing it. I dont crave or i am not nauseous either but some instincts played the role. even without knowing i was taking care while i was bending down, climbing steps and keeping him away from having sex. I felt me being rude but now we both are clear, he knew that the mother unknown growing in me was doing it.

So yes patch and munnucy, pangus done with her part and an happy mother. i thank god first of all blessing us with this. and i ll keep my prayers always for you two, anand and munnu. We are phasing out to the next step of our lives, motherhood. lets welcome it with all our heart and take care of ourselves and each other. May god protect everyone including the little soulless part of ourselves and make them reach each trimesters successfully..

Love you all..  

The Perishing Goddess..

My mind was relaxed, it was the hardest thing to escape myself from the cries and sobs and worries and dilemmas and questions and agonies. It kept me working all time and i sorted it one by one..Prayers, the voices of thousands at a time, like a rain, the muddled noise of every single drop crashing together on the earth, but then I had powers, I am a goddess, so they worship me.

I was fascinated with the odor of burnt camphor and the incense stick and ghee..they bathed me using turmeric paste and cows milk..they wore me a garland made of  basil leaves and fresh flowers.. i could feel heaven just under my foot..

I was distracted from the intense prayer that suddenly overpowered the thousand voices running in my head..i opened my eyes to find four sibling in which  one was a women. they were traveling all the way on foot from a little north and they wanted to take a part of me to be installed in their ancestral home. They believed it would be a pride, its a sign of dignity. i saw them through the smoke. Soon the priest came in and started chanting mantras which made me powerful everyday..yes these praises made me stronger..and they are really trained to do it perfectly following every steps intact. with every stanzas he utter my power increased and when the idol couldn't take it any more it emitted out from me filling the 'garbh griha' and then pushing out to all who lined out with their eyes closed spreading their prayers. the way the priests taking care of me really pleased  me and the devotees were granted their wish fast. All done and the priest closed my doors leaving a slit in between the two flaps..I heard the siblings requesting to the priest for my possession for them.

From the 'panchaloha' idol a part of me was transferred to a clay idol and i traveled with them in peace..the throbbing cries and shouts just extincted from my ears and all i could hear now was "help us be safe home fast" from these four again and again in different times and separate turns..they prayed it in silence and i kept blessing them..when they become tired i helped them giving small shades for them to relax. when they are thirst, i blessed them with little streams and ponds..and finally their place amidst the dark of big trees..It was a hut thatched with coconut leaves and the floor was smeared with fresh cow dung. there was children and old people in the house. The hut had lot of sections for the members and a special place with a low wooden stool and brass lamps for me..they chanted manthras and placed me in there clothing ma in a new red silk..i was garlanded and worshiped with lighted wicks and flowers and camphor and songs with claps praising my names. Every one was involved children, parents, grand parents and great grand parents.

The life here is tranquil, they offered me everything and followed the rituals properly. They had very less prayers, most of them had the same. " Mother, help us and our children from flood, earth quakes, diseases and dangers. Bless us with food, water and medicines when required. Bless us with health and long life". I granted them all these. At night i watch over them from the wild animals and harsh wind. They ritualized me every day and my power grown from a flame to fire. Years passed, generations passed. The house spited and families traveled to all directions to settle down. each of them carried a part of my possession from 'mukhya sthaana' wishing to place me in their 'mandhir'. Boys in every generations were thought the ways to perform the ordinance so that they can carry out the ritualistic performances and hence will be blessed with prosperity and goodness in their lives.

the passing away of every old generations take away with them a lot of things. It is no longer the same as before. The patterns of houses changed more forest were threshed to plain lands to build mansions. Inventions  took place and men become greedier and crooked. They become selfish. Soon it started to get prayers for others destruction. humans ate plants less and animals more. demons started to take birth as humans and the tranquility started to get destroyed. They travel in machines rather than on foot or bullock. the sound of the birds and moths and butterflies and squirrels dumb by the trashing roar of buses cars and motor vehicles.

Sooner people lost faith in me and the rituals to me become sometimes to never. They forgot that their glory was a result of their great grand peoples loyal and unreserved performance of worship to me. They prayed only when in need and once i blessed which helped them build a bungalow next to this old hut and this was now the adobe of just me. A few days later i got companies of lizards, spiders and snakes. They no longer take care of me but they have all that i blessed them with. Children played mud cakes in front of me and no devotees lined up. They don't see my misery, a few saw didn't cared to save me. I am their god, i gave them all but they returned me neglect. Yet i forgive them remembering the way their ancestors treat me. But with every day that passed my powers drained. Soon i lost powers to protect them all. A few fell ill, a few youth died, business failed, wealth lost, psychopaths increased, studies failed, brothers fight and the glory diminished. But i couldn't help. I had no enough power to empower them. The then old people alive sensed this. they were the last close to me. They  reminded their sons about it and they started to clean up the room and light the wicks for me every evening at least. They cleaned me from dust and spider webs. but the snakes refuge half of my place building their nests, it peaked like a miniature Himalayas on one side of me. Though the youth of the family don't chant mantras and praises for me they started devoting me with incense stick and lit ghee wicks. They placed their little prayers and I grab my powers and gave them what i was capable of.

To my surprise one among the elder people of the family foresee the danger  that is approaching the family in the near future as in a dream and the worried man consulted a astrologer who advised him to do "Thamboola Prashnam" which is the method of knowing the unknown. This traditional method also helps to predict the future of the family and the members in it one by one. The 'Thamboola Prashnam'  was followed by an even intense method called "Swarna Prashnam" using gold. And each member of the family was asked to reach the ancestral home where me and my fellow reptiles and spiders and cats and crows lives. Every one was warned about the havoc they are inviting by leaving the family goddess in ruins, the priests explained the situation of me and the impact of leaving me this way here further. i heard sudden rise of prayers seeking forgiveness for the fail to take care of me. They were misunderstood that the bad things happened to them was my curse, i wanted to correct them. It was not my curse but it was my powerlessness that made all the bad things happen to them. Skin disease and sight problems that swallowed the latest generation. For years as their ancestors kept worshiping me i had power and used it to be a shield for them protecting from all the negatives that was arrowed to them. Now i don't have that  power and its not me cursing you. I mean no trouble to any of you. This is as a family for me as to you. I belong here and you don't take me as yours.

Fear was stricken in every ones mind. They were all aware of their mistakes and the punishment as they think that reached them. A few of them wanted to help me, a few had no problem and they thought not to waste money unnecessarily. Every member was given a task with regard to uplifting me/my situation. They relieved me from the slither of the snakes. They gave a place of worship to the snakes alone in the farthest corner of the land where the beal tree, banyan tree and the palmyra palm tree(where the legends believe the ghostly women "yakshis" lived) tangled together like a dark wall. I was place-shifted to a temporary hut "balalayam" as they calls it and the old hut where i was brought first was collapsed in the promise of re building it. My ability to read the minds was also gone as i am now just a flame of dim light taken from the "mukhya sthaana". I need you to give my long lost power and the nobility back. chant the manthars, shout the praises i wish you all hear my sob now..

With the unavoiding evening prayers they present before me, the light from the ghee lamp and head bend bestowal of themselves helped me to gain some grace. I blessed them for their small wishes to come true but they never realized it happened because of me. Little by little they were protected from the troubles. but its the modern men, they don't value their own promises. They live for now, they do for now, they always run behind what that's not theirs and let that go  what they have in their hands. They traveled to other big temples, they give offerings to priests and practices. But they spent nothing for me. The work for the new temple paused at the foundations work.

The temporary "balalayam" once shook in a silent earth quake, the wall and the roof cracked. It rain hoarsely in the monsoon throwing the thunder light strike on the earth. It leaked and made me wet. None noticed. My adorn of red silk torn, none observed. I am draining out of my strength more than ever before. and there is no god to help a god. Men creates us and they destroys us. My good times are over and may be this is my time to perish or else they would help me doing their part, i soothed myself. Now that i am empty with the last blaze of my powers i suffer all the misfortunes by myself, yes even gods have to go through bad faith, a bad time..there are many histories about it. I could only watch the ill-fate they receive in the form of bankruptcy, family break ups, diseases, loss, impotence, filth, war, obstacles, death and total destruction . They left me helpless by their deeds..all i can do is to shed a few tears for them but the matter about it is this that..unknowingly my tears becomes a curse for them though i don't wish this to happen to them..

All i  wish is once they know the depth of love and care i have always given to them..

Namastasye..Namastasye..Namastasye..Namo Namah..!!


+Akshaya Dilroop, +pooja jith +adhith suresh , +Ashish Jeena, +shamitha nishanthi , +sujoy pr, +Jithu dancer Jazzrockers, +Rajul Ramesh, +Drishya Divakaran, +darshan divakar, +Anirudh Pradeep  

Our 5th Birthday..!!

Happy Birthday kootharas..!!

How lovely it was to call each other one of the vulgarous word in the dictionary of malayalam. but thats it..this has become the most pretty cool and lovely name in my dictionary. Cant imagine how fast we got past a 5 year..a wooden anniversary or a touch wood thats perfect "touch wood"..

I always wanted us 4 to cut a cake on this day, but god has not granted a day like that. But i guess if we try hard we can make it once, at-least once in this life..

Its my habit to go back and read the first birthday post on every birthdays of ours which in real aches my heart like a fire blow.. the first days of our friendship..our meetings and roamings..marine drive, Oven, North/South/Aluva Railway stations..the waiting and so on.. i..i dont know how to control the images that slaps me in to intolerable pain.. i failed repeatedly in my approaches to forget it and move on..

life has taken us so far, and see none of us gets time, its the dirty life that takes away everything from us. I know i shouldn't  call it dirty coz it has blessed us with a lot many good things but when it comes to the matter about US.. it really ditched us, it granted us every prayers of us but not a move after that point.. But kootharas, i wish life give you some time from the hustle and bustle to write something in here.. this is the thing.. this was always been that link that connected each of us to US.. this is it that i would call the Umbilical cord of IK4.. that would keep us attached always until we all die.. i love you all. but dont know how to express it or show it or what ever.. i have loved you all just like this from the start i remember..

On our 5th birthday i want us all to write a comment on this post.. just to know that you guys are watching the notice board of our friendship..our life..

Wish us again a very happy birthday..!! 

Will It come back..??

Life is strange..it gives a million pleasant and unpleasant things to each of us..some hurts like hell some sweets as marshmallows..we live every moment unknown only thinking of whats happening at the moment..but at times when we get upset missing certain things that has already gone from our hands..Starting from childhood till today we have met many people, loved many, but not all are in touch with us today.. destiny takes everyone to different ways but the foot marks they printed in our heart aches..its not just people but places, houses, schools, colleges and so many.. we left all these places when it was time to leave..but it was just the raiment out,the soul is still clinging in there as memories..Those days we spent cursing us were the most blessed ones..my first school,my grandpa's house, my old bedroom,my bed, the cute ceiling hangings, my books, my college,my friends and a lot many things..the dark monsoon that rumbled like a hungry beast, the power failure and thick blanket, the candle lite..the long talks and paper boats..the letters that i wrote in the blue papers of "inland letter" to my friends during summer..the ones that i got from a few of them..my god will i get a single day from that time again..i wish..

Memories are the most paining gift of god..the lost days are never gonna come back..life is really short..and i miss everything thats gone..people says i should stop doing it and move on..cause there are more days to come and i should create memories to cherish then in someday in then near of farther future..How strange..how strange everything is..nothings permanent..not a single thing including this..the moments i lost typing these words..

Tathastu..!! 

Awareness

"Having knowledge of" this is what google answered me when i asked the meaning of "awareness". It can be alertness, enlightenment or whatever. Right now i am having an Ice cream, its a pretty hot day and its just taking every pinch of my energy from me..i sleep most of the time like i dont have anything to do..none can complain me but doin it on the climatic change.. Yes so right now i am having an ice cream that costs a 200 buck.. and this sticky frozen stuff is not doing any favor to me but gonna effect my health but still for the sake of pleasure i spent that 200 buck even when i am aware that there are millions on some part of the earth who will take it as a blessing if they get this 200 bucks that i simply wasted melting in my mouth..there are many who starve on the street..i sleep under a cute and cozy roof switching on my fan on high..same time some poor fellows acidic and thirsty trying to find a shade of a tree to help themselves protecting from the monstrous sun that can blow you on fire.. I am aware of these facts and the truth is but whats stopping me from doing things like this..??

while i simply type these words, i am aware that a few of the city police is tracking some criminals, our great soldiers are guarding our country from terrorist attacks or attacks from our enemies on the borders sleepless, some scientist watching on changes within the earth whether some earth quake is gonna happen or volcano's are gonna erupt and great astronomers are keeping their eyes 24/7 on alien attacks or meteor strikes..i am aware about these all things too..but how can i extend an helping hand..?? Not possible, i wonder then why is my mind upset and guilty whenever i do things that pleasures me..??

i spent money on a lot of things, like cloths, books, shoes and accessories, food items drinks and crockery and so on..the list is endless..a few books i havent even touched after buying it so is about a few sandals and cloths..do i give it away..?? No then my mind would shout from behind " no no, you spent this much on this, who knows you will get an occasion to wear it" and i would go back to the women waiting eagerly to collect those old cloths in front of my doors and nod sadly saying Nothings left..!! I am aware how bad that women would have felt, and i am aware i could save those money that i wasted unnecessarily..but this just happens..i always tries to clutch my mind when i am in some stores or shopping malls but it requires a fraction of a second to slip away from the balance..

And whenever i see people cutting trees i am aware that this is inviting a mass destruction. I am aware that there are fraudulent activities going on behind the food and health markets/departments, there are manipulations happening with law n order, there are repackaging of expired drugs and foods happening behind my back and at times when required i only buy it..I am aware of a lot of positive and negative things but i am helpless..i am bound to act against it and many a times my conscience push me to do it but my body wont work..the over awareness had created a numbness within me and nothing could cure it..i surrendered myself before all these sins..even then..?? did i get a solution to get rid of the awareness of the truths and make me capable to battle for it../?? no rather i found out another way..

Be aware of yourselves..be aware of the inner self , listening to my heart beat, trying to listen to my own breaths, listening to the robotic works thats happening unstopingly within me.. I found out a way to be aware of my emotions and actions thus i control it before it become vulnerable.. awareness of my 'self' has created an harness that can take control of everything, everything means every single thing..It also allows freedom, it only controls me for itself..

Yes this is it..be aware of yourself and once every one do this..the whole cycle will motion rhythmically in a good way that produce laughter..not tears..simply escape within your 'SELF'

Fools day..!!

How foolish men are to invent a day for fools..?? its fun..rather it was fun while i was a kid..to fool around and to fool others throwing thousands of tricks..my memory blushes when i think of a few times..a few years..it was fun..we had fun a lott..yes..this day reminds me of that day i laughed my stomach out with jee and poo..humm..!! we earned ear-breaking scolds from their mom but the fun we had worth a heaven..it still makes me laugh..but the faces in my memory looks at me rudely now..they fooled me in reality..they behaved or mimicked as if they were true but they fooled me..it was just their act..act of kindness..act of politeness and love..for true love dont misunderstands..like WE..if a day i do wrong to you, my ik4..i am sure of one thing that , i will have a moment granted by you to prove my innocence.. to listen to the situation that led me to do that mistake..i am sad that the people i believed my own had kicked me out from their lives..it had to happen may be..but its sad!!

Life is short, this facts carving my neurons..we dont see the ones we used to see everyday from a particular day..we dont see those laughing faces constantly doing so..life changes..happiness fades..health decays..bones stiffens..lets dont revenge..lets dont curse..lets dont molest.. Lifes short.. realize it.. move ahead with joy, contently..

Stop fooling..or one day you will be fooled very badly..!!

From a long ago..

i saw me roping up water from the well with difficulty..i was lean and i could see my bag ribs moving when each of my hands pull the rope backwards with force..i wore a long mud color skirt, a blouse that made my body bare from under the breasts till the line of my waist..i am not fare complexioned..i was indeed wheatish..and the most peculiar things is this that..i wore a head cloth that covered my head till nose..i wore black metal bangles, neck and ear ornaments..and a dot of red at the center between my eyebrows..who was I..? why do i look so..??i was with all force filling the mud vessels with water that i pull out from the well..it was hot outside but the water was as cold as rain..with the next bucket of water i give a punch on my face with a splash of it..that literally wake me up from the drowsiness of the heat that gulped me..the taste of the water was unexplainable..it was sweet and taste herbs.. i put a pot on my left waste, one over my head and one on my right waist..i don't know how i expertise this..but i was doing it out of habit..i saw children running hear n there..and i was walking through the narrow of a street that had open stalls on both sides.. fresh vegetables and fruits..cloth weavers and shoe makers..

The color that i could see all over was yellow or muddy..the bricks were not cemented and emulsified..it looked like earth grown in to shapes..women were all in the same attire as mine..and the men shouted in loud voice..speaking some unknown unrecognized language.."khe mo na hicho he monthary" one lady asked me.when i was stepping in to a house, i think, my house..the doors were constructed so low that i had to bend and get in and the rooms were dark..there was a small ventilator that passed a narrow line of sunlight in to the house..the floor was muddy but looked like smoothened and polished by using it for centuries.. the roof could be touched..shockingly i replied to that lady " him cho he monthary lona wu" my brain translated it to me..that it means..
a few more pots to be brought from the well..a mud brick fireplace that boiled something in a mud pot which smelled exquisite..and my mouth watered..i stood there staring at it and the lady who was aside stalked me and that made me to approach the well once again..when i stepped out..i found me eyeing towards a carpenter stall..where i found a man..an enough built, wheatish, sweaty, muscled man dressed in a white-turned-cream dhothy and a sleeveless top..a black rope around the neck with a black metal pendent, a turban and thick curled mustache..his face sharp and eyes fired..this man could be the hero of that place..his body moved while he worked and his muscles danced fiercely attracting every women of that street..i noticed a girl enjoying him from the roof of her house and what i did in rage was so culture less..i took a handful of cowdung  and throw it on her face..she spit right on my face from above and ran inside..when i turn my head towards his side..he was laughing that killing laugh showing the fangs that i always wanted to be bitten by..my heart beated like it would just pierce my left breast and fall down..my breaths thicken and then a shout from inside my house.. I carried the last three pots the same way i did before..

a few of  the girls looked like of my age came to call me..they had cloths in their arm and coconut husk fiber in one arm..they were waiting for me to go for a bath..but why,,??dont i have an attached bathroom..i searched inside my house..in the dark i saw a few partitions of cubes thats not attached to the roof..a three fourth covered walls in between and there were three segments, all small and earthen and dark..i was surprised.. in which period of the earth am i in..i re winded my memories and nothing appeared as such in the near times..the group called  me in unison and i took the cloths, towel and the husk fiber the lady in my house handed me over and set out with the girls..we crossed the carpenters..he was completely concentrated in his job but i longed for one single look of his..i stared him..i scanned his features..there could be no other man as perfect as him..i loved him..but do he..?? i wouldn't know.. the girls teased me.. but his attitude turned me down..but he didn't help my disappointment to last longer..he raised his face with a raised eye brow and a one cheek smile..he was the most adorable person in the world i murmured to me..

it was  an open wide pond..and there were two sections one for the men and the other for the women..there were a few other women bathing and some bathing their children..everyone with me undressed and changed to long knee length towel worn around from under the shoulder..their long sumptuous hair caressed their back..those sculpture like oily figures made water balls rolling all over when they dip them in the emerald water..i took my head dress and other and changed to the white towel..it was now i realized that i carried a better roll of back silky folds of coiffure under the veil of mine..i sticked out the clip that holded it and it fall down like a satin curtain smoothing down..it reached just above my knee and it looked magnificent..i joined with a few of them applying turmeric paste..and the fragrance of it made the surroundings lusting.. a dip bath in the cold water made me realize the truth that..this is not where i was till yesterday..i have traveled a long road backward and now i am in the time of untouched sophistication of innocence.. i am here where there is no crime to oneself or to others.. love live and executing the karma.. thats for what people in here live for..

while i enjoy my first day here..trying to experience the every bit of it..i forgot everything.. my ears dint listen my 'sahelis' calling me..my eyes didn't see the lights getting diminished.. i bathed to wash out all the sins i did till yesterday and prepared me to started  a new long ago life.. it was then i heard a splash of water on the other side, the male side..i swimmed a few steps and lean to see who is it at this time..my intuitions said its him..that macho..:) (hehe) i peeped in to see him undressing his top..he looked like the only master-piece of god..he bend down to take a handful of water and splash it on his face..i completely lost myself observing him and fantasizing him in my mind while he swam and appeared just in front of me..i was for an instance shocked and then shy which made my hands ran across my chest covering the ripe underneath the transparency. my eyes rolled down and my wet lips widen with a smile of worry..his long hair that touched his shoulder muscles dripped water that oozed down his navel..he touched me on my shoulder and held his hands on my chin..he raised my face to meet his eyes.. i see love and ecstasy there.. the darkness clouded and it was quite all around.. he enclosed me in his arms and we melted in to one.. in his husky voice he asked me " hown tho rme shinthane"..(what the hell does that mean..??) yes he asked me if i am afraid.. i shook my head saying no.. " sto mein shen hown ry katnaiche.??" he asked me again..why didnt i wait for him here since last friday..this clicked me..so we really were lovers..and we used to meet here..at the point where we are now..i started to work my brain again..trying to recollect things..a set of modern building and cars and planes shuffled away and then the sceneries of lush green field and the sight of the abandoned tree at the top of the hill appeared in my mind..i was in the swing and he was waving it for me..we both were laughing and singing while the wild birds made tunes for us..the manifestation of intense deep passionate love..he carries me like a feather so gently and carefully..we lay down on the grass watching the motions in each others eyes..is this true..?? am i that blessed to be in a real paradise..??

his warm breath on my face break my thoughts in to reality..he was asking me a hundred questions but i was lost somehwere.. he bend his face close to mine that there was just a slight slit for our breaths to pass..his lips pressed to mine..and i tasted the sweetness of his mouth..he took a handfull of my hairs and smelled it with ardor..i kissed his arms and neck and face and eyes..his long tight eyebrows and his stiff forehead.. he ran his face from my lips to neck, neck to the center of my chest and planted a kiss right in the pond of my navel..it sizzled me..i shrunk like a shrimp.. he cuddled me tight and i had no strength to escape from it..

from somewhere with in me,,..i felt i was committing a mistake..i enjoyed it but i wanted to get this over because a part of me shouted that i dont belong to this time..my mind is acting impractical..and all that i was experiencing was unreal..god..!! it was yet another dream..it was not real and now i am sitting on my bed with messed up hair and wide-sorrowed eyes..i turned to him and he was sleeping peacefully..i fall down on my pillow and tried hard to remember each points i saw just now..a few minutes later he woke up and as usual we simply lighted up a small-good-morning-chat..i kept this matter hidden and then it was him who surprised me saying this.." i just dreamed something but i  dont remember much..it was so strange and the place looked like ages back and the language they speak was even stranger you know, i was asking something to someone..like " sto mein shen hown ry katnaiche.??" something like this..and i dont know what it really was.." oh my god..!! i had a relief hearing this from him..and i am really surprised that it was him i was cuddled by in that long lost era,, and i didn't cheat him over loving someone else and making out with some other man..i am really relieved ;-) ..i never wanted to be touched by another man in my life..and it didnt happen even in my dream..it was him..it was we..a long back..a long long long back..

i had a conversation with my mother a few days back while she says she had my horoscope taken to an astrologer and he told her that our match was impeccable..our love is the strongest and the understanding is wordless..we were in love and where lovers and later husband and wife for the past few births..may be what i have seen was an episode from one of our births..i wish we could still live in that peaceful..lovely time..where there is no harm but only harmony..!!

Silent Screams..

Incredible India..!! literally India was incredible but not anymore..i was always been so proud to be an Indian  who by birth itself gets a tag for having a rich culture and heritage.. well to talk about these too points we Indians have thousand tongues.. and there isnt any need to exaggerate but we forgets ourselves explaining and explaining.. But today I feel ashame..i feel insecure..and pathetic for trying to understand the fact that a few of my fellow countrymen are dead and a lot of them are badly injured and critically hospitalized..

The series of bomb blasts that continued to happen in our country. This is what that took all my feelings towards my own country.. To the country who gives place for its own traitors to live in.. India is an Independent country but still in the arms of terrorism and corruption.. we are all used to the latter one and as it dont demand a human life to be sacrificed we were ready to keep our eyes closed before it.. but terrorism is unacceptable.. This is our country, this where our ancestry belongs to and this is our motherland..we thought this is the only place we are safe in the whole world.. We pay tax, we vote for the rulers and what we get in return is thorns and hurling stones upon us that wound is in depth and bleeds for a life time.. we lose our love, mother, father, brother, sister, friends when ever some insane group of humans make terror blasting their explosive weapons.. I dont blame them..when given support who wont take advantage..?? In sucha big nation, which has the "Third largest standing army in the world" and ranks "Seventh in the military expenditure". USA being currently the only Superpower, India is one among the 6 BIG countries who are rapidly growing with their markets, military strength and economic potential on the line to attain the Superpower status.

[India possesses nuclear weapons and maintains short- and intermediate-range ballistic missiles, nuclear-capable aircraft, surface ships, and submarines ]

We have everything in hand and the support of 1,210,193,422 people, whats more is required. look at the size of human power which place us on the 2nd highest in the world.. It shouldn't be taken in that sense that yeah we have more than enough populated here..let a few get burned and killed..when one kills that means an atom in the Indian substance is lost..its a loss and in the past few years this loss continues and no proper actions to keep it in its original shape has been taken.. we lack monitoring..we lack a good system.. i know its difficult to collapse the existing old-worn-system in a snap..there are millions of hungry tummys but are we doing something honestly to help them from their starvings..?? No!! then where is it going?? to the pockets of the treasurers..?? where ever it is.. its time to change the old stands.. lets stop thinking about "me" and "my family" lets just fucking start thinking about "my country".. i dont have a shit in my bank account..but when i have something i try my best to share it with another whom i have never seen before but sure knew that he and me had grown from the same mud..from the chest of the same country.. this is a minute or a fraction of the minute of goodness that i am trying to do for my fellow countrymen.. i am proud about myself and those people i know of who do this smallest kindest act.. i bow them with all the integrity secured in my heart.. i dont deny this that there are rich people who do it richly. if i am feeding one stomach with one meal they might be doing it regularly or some are doing it for a big amount of people monthly..there are people sponsoring poor kids but i am definite about this fact too that not everyone are doing this.. whats is wrong in it..?? lets start imagining ourselves being a beggar or a highly diseased, leprotic..how painful that feeling would be..that pain we struggled to keep inside us when we find someone eating a delicious food while we haven't eaten for a couple of weeks.. that craving..that flushed saliva in our mouth wanting to have at least a piece of bread or to drink a drop of water.. imagine..imagine the pain we go through when we get a wound on our finger..imagine big, when we fall from the steps to the floor..imagine it to the farthest extreme.. having us being stabbed by a knife..we feel suffocated even while watching it someone doing in the movies.. then imagine the pain of someone who dont have money to cure major diseases like cancer, aids and etc..

Its Pitiful..that even in the most read/reading e-magazine/encyclopedia called Wikipedia explains India with a line of heart aching drawbacks [ it continues to face the challenges of poverty, illiteracy,corruption, malnutrition, inadequate public healthcare, and terrorism.] can any expect me to be 100% proud for being a citizen of a country categorized this way..?? Historic India had an outstanding ruling system..we followed the rules and regulations strictly may be because everyone knew how torturous the punishment would be.. its in a single hard hand that controlled everything which was a good thing.. Fear is the best treatment. Where there is no fear you can do any nasty thing that you feels to. When you have impeccable strength and goodness in you, then you will be positioned in that place that every levels of the followers can see you heading..and they will follow you with their eyes closed.. and the most saddest thing is this that, there is no such good leaders for us to believe blindly..

This happens continuously , the enemies succeed their mission various times..then what worth the lives our soldiers sacrificed for years protecting us in the boundaries..during their unslept..uneaten.. thirsty days and nights holding the guns and standing still vigilant for days and weeks..sometimes months means.. they are fooled..their souls would regret..we should not allow that to happen any longer any more..This is our country..we are Indian Hindhus, Indian Muslims, Indian Christians, Indian Jews, Indian Jain, Indian Buddhist and Indian Sikhs.. we are ultimately "just  Indians".. lets not support our enemy clan.. lets protect ourselves.. lets save our country.. you might have given shelter to the enemies but not from now on.. change yourself.. be in the way of God and dont cheat your own country.. die hundred times to hang one enemy.. they deserves it.. those who do bad for the humankind must be punished and those who support them must be fired as well.. No more innocent blood shed.. No more crimes towards our motherland.. One life..live honestly, compassionately, fearlessly and die painlessly..

"Bharathmatha Ki Jai"

+Dilroop Kurikkalot,